Ben x Julie Felicity Fanfiction (CH 1-38)

Ben x Julie: A Felicity Fanfiction
Commissioned by: Laney916
Written by: Danni Lynn
2020 – 2023
75,500 words

Chapter 1

It is already almost the end of my Freshman year. Felicity, Noel, and Elena are crammed into the backseat of Ben’s car, their beach bags and pillows on their laps, luggage in the trunk. I ride shot gun, my guitar case on the floor, the neck balancing between my knees. Ben, as he drives, has one hand lax on the steering wheel, his right hand, holding mine while his thumb strokes across my knuckles and the warm spring air rolls in through the open windows.

This week is spring break. The semester resumes in a few days, but we decided to take off for a weekend away at my grandmother’s beach house in South Carolina. A long drive, but totally worth it. I’m not sure what the house itself looks like but I know there is a beach and all the sand that I want between my toes and in my hair.

“Julie, how did you manage to get this place this weekend?” Elena asks. “It seems you got it at too perfect of a time. Coincidence?”

“Maybe,” I say. “It is my birth mom’s childhood summer house. It belongs to my grandma. I told mom if she didn’t want anyone to know me, she at least owes me something. She told me about this address and gave me a spare key—grandma already went back to New York for the upcoming summer.”
“That worked out well,” Felicity says. She has her arm entwined with Noel’s. He leans out the window and smiles into the fresh air.

We were halfway there. The house is ten hours away from the University of New York and nearly seven-hundred miles from any concerns. It is going to be a great weekend and, with only a few weeks left to our spring semester, we deserve this time away.

We arrive at Grandma’s house in the evening after an entire day of driving. Ben and I shake the others awake and crawl out of the car to the sound of waves and the smell of sea salt in the air. I stretch before I grab my bags and guitar case. I lead everyone to the front door of the small bungalow and fish the keys out of my pocket to unlock the door. The house smells like dead flowers but looks clean for the most part. Elena, with sudden energy, rushes in to claim the biggest room available for us girls to sleep in. The boys take the living room with its two couches.

Grunts and sleepy groans make up our faltering conversations as we all stumble our way to bed. I fall asleep before my head hits the pillow.

“Get up, get up, get up! The bacon is out of the pan and I swear, I’ll burn your eggs if you don’t get up!” Elena shakes my blanket and tugs my pillow from under my head. She must have woken up early. “Breakfast is ready!” Elena yells. I groan. Felicity looks up from her pillow, her hair a massive cloud around her face. She wrinkles her nose.

“Tell Elena I’m not hungry,” Felicity says. She flops back down. I sit up and run my hand through my hair, pulling out some clips I forgot to take out the night before. I can hear Elena in the living room now, yelling at the boys to get up too. I tap Felicity on the shoulder and push her as she tries to go back to sleep.

“Come on, we can do this,” I say. “Let’s get up before Elena comes back.” I untangle myself from the floor where we slept in a pile of blankets we brought, some pillows and the comforter from the bed in the bedroom. I leave and go to the kitchen; my bare feet stick on the tile. The kitchen has dated yellow cabinets and counter tops. On the stove, eggs and bacon are sizzling. Off the kitchen is a little breakfast nook complete with two armchairs and a small table. Seashells and tiny containers full of sand and pebbles decorate the room, taking up every available nook and cranny.

Elena comes back in with a sleepy Noel in tow. He makes a b-line for the coffee pot.

“After we eat, we will have plenty of daylight to get some homework done. Exams are in four weeks,” Elena says. She picks up a spatula and stirs the eggs.

“Homework?” Felicity enters the kitchen.

“Yes, I have a list of what we can study for our…”
I watch Felicity walk past Noel. He leans on the center island counter, craning his neck to watch her go past, but she keeps a few inches between them both. She doesn’t look or reach out to him as she might have a few weeks ago. I guess their relationship is still iffy to say the least. Somehow, they didn’t break up after they both went to their different people when Hanna came back in town, nearly wrecking their relationship. Felicity and Noel decided to work things out because they both still love each other, but the uncertainty still hovers between them. It’ll be touch and go for a while I’m sure. I wonder if things between Ben and I are any better though.

Ben comes in and collapses into the first armchair he finds. Elena is still telling everyone what we will go over today.

“Hey guys?” I interrupt. “We came all the way out here on spring break. I think we owe ourselves a weekend away from it all. Can’t we study tomorrow? I think we should go to the beach today.” Yes. Elena can stop studying, Felicity and Noel might be able to forget what has happened these past couple weeks and I, well, I get to spend some time with Ben. Ben has been a little distant lately. He is still sweet—when he remembers to be—but, I feel hesitation when he is around me. This all started when I noticed Nicole, Lynn’s girlfriend hanging around him.

“A day on the beach,” Felicity says, more to herself than everyone. “Yes, I think that is a good idea. Tomorrow can be for homework. A day off can give us energy to focus. We don’t have to do anything today.”

“You’re crazy to think I’m wasting a free day when I can get a lot done,” Elena says.
“A free day on the beach with textbooks? Nooo thank you,” Noel says. He lifts his coffee mug and takes a sip. Felicity watches him.

We gather around the counter for breakfast. Felicity sets out plates. Our silverware clatters as everyone is served, and we plan out the appropriate activities for the day. As I had hoped on our drive, we agree to a day full of sunshine and the beautiful surf. After we clean up, we race each other to get out of the house, the crystal blue water pulls us towards it with a growing urgency.

We swam, laid out in the sun, and had a picnic during the day. The hours ticked away but no one noticed until nighttime came all too soon. After the long day, I am lounging back in a chair on the deck with my guitar on my lap. Stars twinkle above and the activity of the day weighs on my tired limbs. Elena is sitting across from me, reading in the light given off by the tiki torches. Noel and Felicity are sitting out by the water talking into the night, silhouettes in the vast darkness. I can see their arms moving, enunciating whatever discussion they are wading their way through.

My fingertips stroke the guitar strings as I pluck away a roaming tune. The notes float around wordlessly. I stop and take a sip of a beer, warm from being left out in the sun. My cheeks are warm too from being in the sun all day. I can feel the warmth on my shoulders and down my back. But my chest and belly burn with the warmth from the Bud light. It has sway over me as I stand up. I keep a hand on my chair while I put my guitar down and go inside to see where Ben has disappeared to.

I find Ben in one of the bedrooms, a spare room that none of us slept in the night before. There is a single bed with ocean blue sheets and an armoire in the small room.

“Ben? What are you doing alone in here?” I ask. He is standing by the window in the dark. He doesn’t jump when I speak, I wonder if he was waiting for me to come find him. Ben turns away from the window, his hands are in his pocket as he shrugs.

“I was just taking a look around,” he says.

“Oh.” I join him in the center of the room, dragging my feet on the soft carpet. I giggle, “Today was a good day, wasn’t it?”

Ben smiles. His lips stretch into his smooth smile, his eyes crinkle casting shadows across his face. “It was,” he agrees.

“Is everything okay?” I ask.

“I had fun today.”

Yes, but you’ve been a little distant from me, I think to myself. I want to say it, I do but, what if he hasn’t realized his distance yet? Would me saying that make it worse? Ben comes closer and as I look up at him, I can smell the beer on his breath too. I reach out and take his hands out of his pockets. I wrap my fingers around his.

“I had fun too,” I say. “I’m writing a new song, I think. But I can’t find the words for it.”

Ben takes his hands from mine and puts them on my shoulders. “I can’t believe the school year is already ending.”

“I know,” I agree.

“It feels like I just met you yesterday Julie.”

Ben’s tone is quiet. It’s as if he is tasting each word before he speaks it. He looks at me, his head tilted slightly as he stares off above my right shoulder, as if the wall behind me holds the words or answers he is searching for and trying to say.

“It feels like I’ve always known you Ben,” I whisper. I wonder if he is thinking of Nicole right now. His brow crumples in thought, what has brought on his reminiscing? “I want to always know you, Ben.”

Ben surfaces from his thoughts to look me in the eye. My cheeks, neck, and all burn like a fire whether it is the alcohol or just his look alone. Before he can look away, move away or leave, I reach up for a kiss.

“What’s wrong Julie?” Ben catches my chin in his hand, stopping me from kissing him. He asks me in a soft voice. I take a step back, my face burning.

“Oh—no, it’s silly. Nothing.”

“What do you mean it’s nothing? I know you, there’s something on your mind.”

“Ben. There’s something on your mind too,” I say. “I saw Nicole and the way she keeps approaching you.” Ben stiffens, his shoulders draw up, clear to see even in the dark of this room. I hear him take a deep breath.

“Why would you ask me about that Julie?”

“I can tell something is wrong with Lynn too. You’ve been distant. Is there something actually going on between you and her?”

“Julie—”

“I’ve seen her coming on to you. I feel like I’m losing you Ben and I don’t want to lose you.” Oh no. I feel my throat tightening up, the threat of a sob raising as I suddenly voice all my fears and lay myself bare to him.

The stiffness in Ben melts away and is replaced by his drooping lips and suddenly sad eyes.

“Oh Julie.” He reaches for me and pulls me close. I don’t fight him. “I told Nicole to leave me alone. I even told Lynn about her advances. There is no way she can get between you and me. You know that, right?”

“I guess.” I wrap my arms around his waist.

“I want to be with you and only you Julie, no one can take me away from you.”

“I know,” I say. “I should know, I don’t want to let you go either.”

“Just stay,” Ben whispers. He hugs me tight before loosening and stepping back to cup my face in his hands. “Stay with me Julie.”

He kisses me.

Chapter 2

Ben’s arms were around me when he pulled me to the bed. Latched onto each other, kissing in fervor, we fell atop each other to land on the ocean blue sheets.

This is how it should be. Ben and I always worked together. The first time I met him, I felt like I had always known him through Felicity’s words and stories about him. Beautiful, handsome Ben who she had followed all the way to New York. Maybe it was her words that stirred an attraction in me for him but, when he instantly warmed to me, I knew there was something real between us. I had a real feeling for him, my own feelings.

We pause for a breath. I open my eyes and can’t help the smile the spreads so wide across my face. I feel my cheeks stretch and my eyes wrinkle until I can hardly see him in the dark. He puts his face in my hair, his fingers easing my ponytails apart until my hair falls against him in our proximity. His hands drop to my waist and guide me gently out of my shirt, stroking my waist to shoulders and back, his hands pressing as if he is memorizing every curve and dip in the landscape of my body. I shrug off my bra and begin to unbutton his shirt as he pulls me into another kiss.

Everything with him is so natural. Safe.

This is how it is supposed to be, this is the kind of love people talk about. A night that will warm me in memories, body, and soul, for the rest of my days. Days I want to spend with him.

We move under the covers, they roll around us like waves as our wordless love pours around us, encircling us both as we surround each other and he is all that I can hear, see, smell, and feel. Only Ben. Ben and just me.

I always dreamed of a peaceful romance. To lie in your lover’s arms and spend all night and even the next morning together as one. I guess as anyone else does, but instead, I woke up in the morning on the floor next to Elena and Felicity. They are sound asleep. The sun already peeks through the drawn curtains. I am all tucked in, a sheet tucked under and around me and my head on a pile of pillows. I moan and cover my eyes with my hands. What happened?

My stomach twinges and I feel a little burn in my throat. I roll onto my side, realizing my mistake as last night’s events come back to me.

I slept with Ben. But I don’t remember what happened afterward. How did I get back to my bed? I had too much to drink for sure, I thought it was only a little bit but, oh my god, did I fall asleep at one point? Alcohol only goes so far until I crash, exhausted. I sit up, my head spins as little needles poke their way into my forehead and temples. I sway and push myself up off the floor. I can feel his hands, his lips, all over me. It’s a heady, happy thought. Do I smile or cry? Where is he? I grab my bag and head to the shower. I flick on the light switch and illuminate the shelves of shells and coral in the little mini bathroom. I close the door behind me and startle at my reflection in the mirror.

I blush, I’m wearing one of Ben’s T-shirts. It hangs down to my knees, hiding my nakedness underneath. Thank god Felicity was still sleeping. Oh, Felicity, I know she will be fine, but I will have to tell her about what happened. I’ll have to tell her very carefully. She shouldn’t see me parading around in just his clothes. That would be startling for her. And startling would not be a good start to our conversation to come.

I take off his shirt, step into the shower, and turn on the hot water. Hopefully, Elena and Felicity will be waking up when I am done. I need my girls right now. I’ll be able to talk to them before I see Ben.

Elena and Felicity were sitting up, chatting in their PJs when I got out of the shower and bathroom. I had my bag in hand with toiletries and Ben’s T-shirt safely stowed away.

“G’ morning,” I say. I sit down with them as they scoot over and make room for me. “So no crazy early breakfast this morning Elena?” I ask.

“Someone thought it was a good idea to hide my alarm clock last night,” Elena tells me.

“No early breakfasts here,” Felicity says. “We hope the boys will get up and make us something first. It’s their turn.”

Elena looks at me and crosses her arms. I can almost feel the list of questions she is aligning up in her head to hurl at me. Should I distract her by asking about homework before she digs into me?

“Girl—where did you disappear to last night? You and Ben went AWOL,” Elena asks. Felicity is looking at me with—thank god—curiosity, waiting for my answer too. 

“We just, came inside to talk for a bit,” I say. “How long did you guys stay outside?”

“Elena read until Noel and I came back in, maybe around one. It was getting a little chilly out by the water.”

“Noel asked me what I was reading. Can you believe—”

“And they got into a big debate about class which you don’t need to hear the details about,” Felicity says, cutting in on Elena. I smile. I imagine that must have taken a while.

“What did you and Noel talk about on the beach Felicity?” I ask her.

Felicity shares a look with Elena, she smiles and hugs her pillow to herself.

“A lot actually. We kind of went back to the usual conversation about Hanna and everything that happened these past couple of weeks. It was nice, you know? We were finally out of the dorm so no residents or ex-girlfriends or anyone was barging in on us. We could just talk, and we talked it all out.”

“Are you guys officially back together?” I ask.

“I think so. We never broke up officially, it just felt like we needed to say where we stand. I love him, I really do, and I don’t know how to fix everything, but I told him that and then I said, ‘what if we don’t have to be fixed? Why can’t we just go forward from here?’ I love him. I do and I’m glad I can tell him that,” Felicity says.

“What did Noel say?” I ask.

“He was glad. Really glad. He was relieved too to get it out in the open. We both want to work on this. I think staying together is for the best. It’s Noel. What would I do without him?” Felicity says.

“Aw, that’s so sweet,” Elena says. She puts her arms around Felicity and squeezes her into a hug.

I’m twisting my hands in my lap. A little weight—no, a lot—has lifted off my shoulders, practically evaporating into the air. Felicity and Noel are still together. Working on it, but, they will be happy.

“Felicity, Elena, there is something I want to tell you,” I say. Felicity and Elena break apart and look at me. I check behind me to see that the door to our room is closed. Good. I take a deep breath.

“I had sex with Ben last night.”

Silence.

“I went to see where he went off to last night because he wasn’t outside with us,” I say.

“Oh. I remember that. When you didn’t come back right away—”

“Elena, shush,” Felicity says. They giggle.

 I continue. “I went inside, and I found him in one of the bedrooms. The one with the bed that has the blue comforter. Well, we got to talking. We finally talked about Nicole hitting on him and some other things. We cleared the air that we want to be together, and I was glad to hear that because, I don’t know. I was getting a little desperate because I didn’t want to lose him. Then one thing led to another. That’s what happened and I want you guys to know. I think I’m happy about it all, but I wanted to tell you before you heard it from anyone else and honestly, I just needed to tell you guys because I really need you right now. I haven’t done anything like that in a long time, but you know?”

“Oh,” Felicity says. Her eyes are wide with that doe-like expression she sometimes gets in the face of news. Elena smiles.

“Girl talk. That’s what you need, some girls talk right now Julie,” Elena says.

I smile and Felicity smiles back. “Yeah, thank you.”

“Do you think he would tell Noel?”

“Kiss and tell?”

“I don’t know,” I answer.

“Of course, he’ll tell. They are boys. I’m sure he will be grinning all morning, men can hardly keep the news to themselves after that,” Elena says.

“Hah—look at us though,” Felicity adds.

“Believe you me. He’ll have the biggest smile,” Elena says. “or mix that with a little bashful. That’s more like Ben. That big, moody and quiet stud.”

“Elena.”

“Ok. I’ll start the questions. Soooo how was it?” Elena asks. Felicity bursts into laughter. “What? What else am I going to ask?”

“Good. At least, what I remember? I’m scared I drank too much—do you remember me coming back to bed?”

“No, but forget about that, give me the details!”

“Um,” I can feel my face burning but they egg me on. “He was so gentle. It’s exactly how it is supposed to be. No rush, no disagreement, just moving and being one,” I say. I feel as if I am talking about something sacred. It’s hard to put to words.

“Amazing.”

“And?”

“I said it. Awesome, fantastic.”

“Tell us more.”

“Let’s not torture poor Felicity,” I say. “Felicity, are you okay with this?” I ask. I think she is but I have to make sure before I embarrass myself by giving into Elena’s badgering questions. Felicity has pulled her legs up and looks over her knees at me. She’s hiding a big smile, lighting up with her mess of hair around her face.

“Yeah, I’m okay. I’m happy for you Julie. I think all of this is working out perfectly,” Felicity says. “I don’t have any ownership over Ben, you know that.”

“I know,” I say, “thanks, Felicity.”

“Can you tell us more?” Elena asks. She sounds exasperated in her excitement. I shake my head.

“Details aside—how did I get back to bed? I don’t remember anything after that last night!”

“What, you don’t remember having sex?”

“I do, but I don’t really remember how it ended last night. I just remember him and nothing else. Before I knew it, I woke up right here and I was wearing one of Ben’s shirts,” I tell them.

“Huh.” Elena and Felicity look stumped.

“You didn’t fall asleep during it, did you?”

“I don’t think so. I hope not. I don’t know!”

“How much did you drink last night?” Felicity asks.

“A few beers. But they were throughout the day.”

“Beer, a long day in the sun, it’s a combination of things maybe. You very well could have fallen asleep,” Elena says. She ticks off each possibility on her fingers.

“Oh, I hope not.”

“Maybe he thought it was cute?”

“I didn’t fall asleep!”

“Maybe you should ask Ben that,” Elena says.

“I guess. Of course, yeah, I’ll go talk to him. Oh, I hope I didn’t fall asleep,” I say. “I’ll go find Ben and ask.”

Chapter 3

In the hallway of the cottage, the pops of frying bacon and a spatula scraping on a pan echo from the kitchen. I’m so hungry I’m sure I would be drooling if my face and chest weren’t on fire with embarrassment. Felicity and Elena are getting ready in our room. I lean against the closed door behind me and bury my face in my hands. Talking to Elena and Felicity lifted many of my worries. Talking to them even unlocked added joys about what happened last night but my embarrassment masks all those feelings right now.

I stand up from the door. I shake myself and take a deep breath. The only way to get rid of this feeling is to talk to Ben. And it better be before dinner. I don’t think my nervous stomach could handle sitting through a meal without talking to him.

I enter the kitchen. Ben and Noel are both hovering over the stove with their backs to me. Noel wields a spatula and is trying to pick up one of the frying pan’s lids in his other hand as the steam from the potatoes rush out. Ben is whisking and a bowl of raw eggs. Ben’s back is to me. He is wearing a gray long-sleeved shirt that stretches across his toned back and wide shoulders. I swallow, nervous. I remember him on top of me last night. I remember how my hands splayed across his broad back as if it was somehow possible to pull him closer and closer to me.

Ben pours the eggs; they hiss as they hit the pan.

Noel spots me first.

“Ah, Julie! Look, Ben, it’s Julie,” Noel says. He grins and waves the spatula at me.

I wave back but let my hand drop. “Hi Noel, good morning?”

“How are you on this sunny morning? Ben, say hi to Julie,” Noel responds.

My face begins to burn a little as Ben hovers over the stove. But, slowly and surely, he turns around, his eyebrows arched but low as he tries to control his reactions it seems. A small smile, bashful, spreads carefully across.

“Um, hi Julie.”

“Um, Ben? C-can we talk?” I ask. I jab my thumb at the back door that leads out to the beach.

Noel looks between Ben and me. He taps the spatula on his chin. “Hey Ben, I think Julie wants to talk to you,” he whispers. Ben looks at Noel with a serious frown.

“Noel, can you uh handle the eggs while I’m gone?” Ben asks.

“Aye aye, sir. Consider the eggs handled,” Noel responds. He slaps Ben on the shoulder. “Go, go.” He shoos Ben away.

“Okay.” Ben sets the egg bowl down and heads to the door.

“Thanks,” I whisper.

Ben and I walk out to the water and sit where Felicity and Noel were on the beach last night. He’s quiet as we walk. I sit down near the surf. The sand is a little cold from the night before. I shiver and sink my toes into it. Ben sits down beside me and leans back on his hands.

“Ben, I think we need to talk about last night,” I say.

Ben is quiet for a moment. I’m staring at my hands as I wring them in my lap.

“Ha, yeah,” Ben answers. His breath echoes a laugh. My face flares and burns red.

“Oh god, you’re laughing,” I whimper.

“What? Julie, you’re making me a little nervous. Is everything alright?” Ben sits up and turns to face me, the sand rustling under his legs. He looks earnest. He leans close to look me in the eye, worry darkening his face. “Julie, I didn’t do anything that you didn’t want me to, did I?”

“Ben—”

“I’m sorry, I was drunk, I—”

“Ben,” I interrupt. He stops rambling. “No, I was drunk too but, it was wonderful, I had a great time last night. I was with you Ben, I was safe.”

Ben’s mouth is a little open. Some color comes back into his cheeks. “Oh, okay. Thank God Julie, you scared me.” He touches my hair, brushing it from my face as he smiles, laughing with relief.

“Ben, did I, you know—did I fall asleep last night?”

“Yeah. Of course, you did.”

“No, I mean, I don’t remember falling asleep last night. I don’t exactly remember finishing either.”

Ben’s hand pauses in my hair. He cracks into a smile and looks at the ground. “Oh, Julie.”

“I’m so sorry! I’m so embarrassed.”

“Julie, Julie. Don’t worry, hah. You didn’t, really fall asleep at the worst time. You may have dozed off—”

“Did you d—”

“What? No! What do you think I would have done?!” He recoils from me.

“I don’t know.”

“No. We had just finished; you were barely in my arms when you fell asleep.”

I sigh. “I didn’t even last most of the night. How many times did we?”

“Once. We both fell asleep soon after. I think it was the alcohol.”

“Oh, how embarrassing,” I say.

“No, I don’t think so. You know what I think?”

“What?”

“We just have more to do when we get back to New York. Right?”

Now I laugh. I gasp and hit Ben on the shoulder, “You rascal!” I exclaim.

“Well, only if you want to,” Ben says with a smile.

“Ben!”

“Okay, okay. I’ll wait for you to tell me.”

Another quiet moment passes. “Ben, I told Felicity and Elena this morning.”

He hums a quiet hmm? In response.

“I know Felicity is working things out with Noel, but she said she is rooting for us. It was nice to hear. I know she always will want the best for me, and for you I’m sure but it was really nice to hear after the fact. I didn’t want any trouble or worries between us.”

“That’s good. But are you telling me that you kiss and tell?” Ben asks. He stretches his face into a look of mock shock.

“Oh really? As if you didn’t tell Noel this morning! He was practically pushing us together when I had just walked into the room.”

“Well, he saw me come in, so he knew right away.”

“Sure. You couldn’t have said we were up talking like he and Felicity were?”

“With the smile I had on my face?” Ben asks. “Not a chance.”

I laugh. “I guess I’ll let it slide. One more question.”

“Yeah?”

“How did I get back to my room last night? I don’t remember that either.”

“I carried you.”

“You what?!” I blush again. I’m half embarrassed and half disappointed that I missed such a moment.

“Did anyone see you carry me?”

“Everyone else was asleep.”

We stare at the water. It rolls and dabbles across the sand near my toes. Ben stretches and puts his arm around my shoulder. He nuzzles my neck and rests his head on my shoulder.

 “Thank you,” he whispers.

“You too,” I whisper back.

My heart swells as the water rolls back and forth. Ben holds me as memories of last night press on my mind. The embarrassment is gone, I rehash the sweet details, drinking them in. And the person I shared them with so close to me. I smile.

“Hey lovebirds! It’s breakfast time!” Noel shouts from the house.

I startle and jump upright. Ben hops up and stands. He bends down to offer a hand to me.

“Come on, let’s go,” he says.

Felicity and Elena are setting the table when we join everyone inside. It smells as if something had burned a little.

“Noel, it smells like you burned my eggs man,” Ben says. He pulls out a chair for me to sit at. He sits next to me.

“It was the bacon,” Elena says. “He claimed its better the crispier it is. I don’t recall scorched bacon being in the crispy category.”

“He tried to make it interesting,” Felicity says. “You tried Noel.”

Noel comes over with the bacon in question. It looks like worms of charcoal on the white plate.

“Bon appetit,” Noel says. Everyone takes a seat and begins to pass around the eggs. Elena sets her silverware down and puts her elbows on the table.

“So, we are going to leave for New York in one hour,” she says.

“Oh boy. Here we go,” Noel says. He rolls his eyes.

“In one hour?” I ask.

“Yes. That way we can be on the road and back before it is too late. With everyone sleeping in, we should stop at least every three hours for a bathroom break. Less if we manage.”

“Only every three hours? I gotta go with each rest stop I see,” Noel exclaims.

“Let’s just drive and see how far we get,” Felicity says.

“We’ll never make it back that way. Class starts tomorrow,” Elena responds. “Who planned the trip to end the night before class? I sure didn’t.”

“You’re welcome for this wonderful vacation Elena,” Noel says. “Ben let us use his car, Julie got us this wonderful abode, and I planned it all.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“I did a fantastic job. Felicity, don’t you think so?”

“Thanks for coming for the ride Noel,” Felicity says.

“Oh my. She doesn’t appreciate me.” Noel clutches his chest. We laugh.

I take a bite of eggs and push the crumbling bacon to the side of my plate. I hadn’t realized how hungry I am.

“So, we leave in an hour?” I ask.

“In fifty minutes,” Elena corrects. I take another bite. I gotta pack!

Elena does manage to keep us on a tight schedule to begin. After breakfast, we cleaned up and returned everything to where we found it. I made sure all the shells and knick-knacks were on their little shelves. We may have been away for only a weekend, but I am very grateful for the time we all had here.

Noel is carrying Felicity’s bags out to the car. She had packed the night before. It looks like they really did patch things up. I just hope I don’t find them making out in the library again like they have done a few times. Talk about distracting.

I head to the room Elena and I shared. The blankets are all put away and everything is in place except for my belongings strewn around the floor. I gather everything up and throw it in my suitcase. My guitar and case sit beside it, ready to go.

I stop by the bathroom to grab a few things I forgot. I run into Ben in the doorway. He stops me, putting his hand on the doorframe. He leans down to look at me with one of his quiet smiles.

“It’s going to be a long ride to New York,” he says.

“It sure is. Can I be your co-pilot?”

“Of course.”

Ben leans back to check the hallway. It’s empty. He comes back and kisses me gently, tipping my chin with his hand. I smile.

“Brush your teeth before we go,” I say. He looks a little startled and breathes on his hand. I laugh and hurry away. It’d be hard to stop kissing him if I don’t walk away now. Elena will have my head if we are late.

After the long drive, I will be back in New York. What will it be like to lay with him in his loft? Where we have spent so many months hanging out innocently. What will it feel like when I am back there with things no longer how they used to be? What will this change be like? Will I chicken out once I return to reality in New York? But this is Ben. When it comes to Ben, I now know that I want to dive right in.

Chapter 4

It was nearly one in the morning when Ben and I stumbled up to the loft. During the supposed to be ten hours ride, we all stopped more than Elena wanted after we left the beach house. Bathroom breaks, snack breaks, pictures, and more. Finally home, Ben and I drop our bags on the floor with a bang.

“Ugh, I can’t believe we finally made it back,” I moan. Ben grunts. His eyes are nearly slits. His face looks a little swollen with how sleepy he is. I laugh a little through the fog of oncoming sleep. He reaches over and ruffles my hair. He stumbles and pushes me towards his room.

“I don’t even want to change,” I mumble through a yawn. Ben murmurs something about sleep and no talking. I think he is already asleep on his feet. I step away head over to the kitchen for a glass of water, parched from the long ride. At the dining table, the chairs are askew and there is a pile of mushy cookies on two plates.

“Huh,” I say. I grab a glass of water and go to Ben’s room. 

Ben is already fast asleep on top of his bed. He didn’t even pull down the blankets. I set my water down and join him, not caring that I am still dressed or that I still have my earrings on and some eye makeup. I snuggle up to the pillows and loop my arms into his. The weight of the day’s travels smothers me, and I am asleep in seconds.

Felicity:

I am gathering my things for class and trying to drag a brush through my hair when my dorm door opens and Megan stomps in. Her hair is feathered, and she already has a thick layer of eyeliner circling her eyes.

“Oh, you’re back—good,” Megan says. She huffs a sigh and throws her bag on her bed.

“Um, did you say ‘good’?” I ask.

“Uhhhh yeah.”

“And you’re saying that with no sarcasm?”

Megan whips around and puts her hands on her hips, “Don’t get too excited. I didn’t miss you while you were gone. It’s just about time you came back! Why did you have to go on vacation with everybody you know?”

I hold my hairbrush above my head, frozen by her outburst. I set it down. “Why does it matter that I left this weekend? Did something happen?” Megan has never shown any interest in my doings unless it has to do with me being in the dorm when her parents or hear or about her strange box.

“You should’ve taken Sean with you, that’s what you should’ve done. He’s been knocking on our door all weekend about some new idea he has. If you were here, if Elena was here, Ben, or even Noel—he wouldn’t have bothered me!”

“Wow, you remember everyone’s names.”

“Felicity.”

“Sorry. I’m just a little surprised is all. Did you get him to go away?”

“No. He said if I tried it once, he would leave me alone.”

“What was it?” I ask. Sean is famous around campus, or in our group at least, for his inventions and entrepreneurial excursions. These are never successful, but he puts his heart and energy into each one. I honestly thought the vending machine idea he came up with a while ago was an okay one.

Megan sits down on her bed. “It was a pre-dipped cookie.”

“A what?”

“Pre-dipped cookie. He wanted to make a portable cookie that has that freshly dipped in milk taste. He took cookies and tried to fill them with different kinds of cream and milk depending on the consistencies.”

“That sounds interesting. Was it all right?”

“Interesting?” Megan exclaims, “Interesting doesn’t cut it. The cookies were runny and soggy!”

“Ew, that’s not great,” I say.

“I had to use a spoon and even dropped one on my shirt.”

“Did anything else happen when I was gone?”

“What, do you think I can’t handle myself?” Megan snaps, back to her usual self. I sigh.

“No. I’ll go have a talk with Sean. He can be excitable sometimes, he just wanted to share it with someone.”

Megan doesn’t answer. She just spits out a sharp breath and rolls her eyes. Our conversation has come to an end.

I get up and grab my bag. I can forget about brushing my hair, it won’t happen. “Well, I’m back now. I’m going to class; will I see you later?”

“Probs not.”

I shoulder my bag and step out into the hallway. Megan is grumbling in our room when I close the door.

“Felicity!”

I’m not even two steps out of the door when Noel calls me and runs over, a strand of his hair flops against his brow. I smile. He stops in front of me and pauses for a moment before putting his hands in his pockets.

“Um, did you sleep well?” Noel asks.

“Yeah, I guess. Did you?”

“Yeah.”

I adjust my bag on my shoulder. Noel shuffles his feet.

“Are you going to class now?” he asks.

“Um, yes. I’m going to English; I wonder if Julie and Ben will be there? They’ve never been great at waking up early.”

“Right. Felicity, would you like to come over and study after class? I’d like to see you.”

“After class today?”

“Yes. I was thinking and I think it is a good idea that we try to have a normal schedule together. You know, reestablish studying together, just make it normal again. That’s what I was thinking.”

“Just studying?”

“Yes.”

“I do have some stuff to catch up on. I guess it’s a good idea. I can come over later.”

Noel seems to relax a little. He smiles and nods. “Okay, good. Have a good class.”

“Thank you,” I say.

“See you later.”

Noel stands still for a moment. I step around him, smiling a little before I head over to the elevator. He’s still by my room, looking a little confused when I wave back.

As I guessed it would, class drags by slowly. When I saw Julie, she bumps me and smiles, looking exhausted. After class, Elena follows and hands me some notes as we walk back to the dorm. Julie had gone straight back to the loft with Ben.

“Mr. McGrath said we have to finish these reports by next Tuesday. That means if we start them now, we might have some free time to work on the next one,” Elena says.

“Okay,” I say, not really listening. All day I have been replaying the scene in my head of Noel talking to me this morning. I feel like there was something more he wanted to say. But there is so much that we can’t talk about anymore until we figure out where we stand. It was so awkward but at the same time, it warms my heart a little because that means some emotion is there, right?

“I’m going to head to my dorm to exchange some books. Meet me back at the elevator in five minutes?” Elena asks.

“What?” I wasn’t listening.

“We are going to the library now. Papers, reports, lots to do.”

“Oh, I can’t go to the library. I promised Noel I would meet him after class.”

“It’s getting a little late. So, I won’t be seeing you tonight at the library either?”

“It’s not like that. He just wants to study for a few hours. Can I come to see you afterward?” I ask.

“If you say so. I guess I’ll save a chair for you,” Elena says. She gives me a wry smile. “But you better get some work done. I’m not picking up your slack.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

After saying goodbye to Elena, I go straight to Noel’s room. I used to just barge in at all hours of the day here. When I was new to college, I thought Ben and all my minor hiccups in classes were huge disasters to dump on the listening RA. I didn’t even flinch back then when it came to seeing Noel. Then things changed a few times and here I am a little frightened of this portal that can bring me right to him.

His door handle twists, and the door opens right up.

“I just think it is a good idea and that you should have a little bit of patience with me—” Richard is yelling, his back appears in the doorway to Noel’s room. “Pretend to turn a blind eye or just let me do what I want? I can still get you in trouble and you know it.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore Richard. Rules are rules, you can’t put the barbeque back in your room, I don’t care if the springtime is perfect for it. Have your barbeque outside on the green!”

“But I’ve already got it all set up in my room, ready to go. There’s no reason to change it all now,” Richard protests.

“I’m sure you can sell some food out on the street; the students will love it. Maybe even give it to the homeless, I know I will love you if you just move it outside.”

Noel has pushed Richard all the way out now and is about to close the door when he notices me. Richard turns around.

“Felicity! The girl of the hour. How nice it is to see you in front of our RA’s dorm once again,” Richard says. He claps his hands together and shoots a smile to Noel.

“Hi Richard,” I respond.

“There wouldn’t happen to be anything unbecoming going on with our dear freshman girl—your resident—now will there?”

Noel opens his mouth but shuts it. It looks like he and Richard have beaten around this argument several times already.

“Nope, there is nothing you need to concern yourself with Richard. It looks like you have already exhausted our RA enough.” Richard raises his eyebrows at me. I turn away from him and focus on Noel.

“Noel, do you think you still have time to help me with my English homework?”

Richard tries to squeeze in between us. Noel pushes him away. “Uh, yeah Felicity. I can still help you with that. Richard was just on his way out.”

“No, I—”

“Bye Richard,” Noel says.

“Bye,” I add. Richard stands there with his mouth open as Noel and I go inside, shutting the door behind us. We hold our breath until we finally hear his footsteps go and fade away towards his dorm. A door opens and shuts from down the hall.

“Finally,” Noel mutters. He pushes his hands through his hair. “He never stops trying to get what he wants. His blackmail is becoming boring after him threatening me with it so often.”

“I guess I should start looking out for barbeque smoke in the hallway from now on?”

“Maybe so.”

Richard wanted to get us in trouble for dating. I go and sit on Noel’s bed, sinking into the familiarity. His new iMac computer whirs from its place on his desk. Noel sits on the floor in front of me, pulling his backpack to himself. His papers rustle as he shuffles them around, pulling out what he needs for his homework.

I set my bag down. “Are we really going to do our homework?” I ask Noel. He stops pulling out books and looks at me, his mouth a little “O” in thought. “Y-yes, I asked you here to study?”

“Alright.”

“I thought you would like something normal; you know?”

“Yeah, you’re right. Normal. I can do normal,” I say.

“Is that okay?” Noel asks. I nod. I’m not sure about the heat I feel right now, I’m not even sure what I had hoped for when he asked me here. He always did say just studying right? Only if we were actively dating that would mean something different. We are just trying each other out for now. See how we heal and grow a little I suppose.

Chapter 5

School today was exhausting. I could barely keep my eyes open in class. I’m sure I missed some vital information, but I can’t even muster the energy to be bothered by that possibility. Ben slept through our English class and even Felicity couldn’t keep me focused with her barrage of notes and elbows thrown throughout the period.  It’s early evening and I’m up in the loft with Ben, trying to destress from the hectic day. We are lying in opposite directions on his bed. 

Staring at the ceiling, my mind turns and flips over the day, our long drive back, and what happened the other night. I squirm. His comforter shifts under me and wrinkles. I try to think about something else.

“Where is Sean tonight? I didn’t see him when I came up,” I ask.

“He went to the library,” Ben says. His voice is quiet as if he is drifting off to sleep. I think I am exhausted, but he was the one who drove most of the way home yesterday.

“Why did he go to the library?” I ask.

Ben moans. “I think to pander off some of those milk-cookies he made the other day.”

“The soggy cookies I found on the table last night?”

“Yep. Those are the ones.”

I twist my hands above my face. One finger over the other, I click my nails and pick at one that is peeling after all the guitar I played over the weekend. I focus back on the distraction the topic of Sean provides.

“Why does Sean always take his food-related inventions to the library?” I ask.

“His reasoning is that everyone at the cafeteria is already eating their choice of a meal or snack. At the library, people are more likely to be hungry or are looking for a distraction,” Ben explains.

“When I’m at the library, I’m usually trying to concentrate.”

“Right.”

I put my hands down and squirm a little, uncomfortable with the thoughts weighing on me. Today’s classes were filled with daydreams with Ben and his hands. The professor would ask about the reading and I’d picture Ben’s lips on me. I kept missing or fading out of focus when I was called on. It’s as if the professor knew exactly where my mind was and was punishing me with the worst and most boring literary questions. How could I pay attention?

Even walking next to Ben in the halls or on our way back to the loft, I felt like I was vibrating with such… not really need but so much confusion, distraction, and want that I don’t know how to voice or ignore. I don’t know what is coming from the delirium or not enough sleep or what of what I am feeling is real. Now that we are in his bed, I can’t stop replaying what happened the other night out of embarrassment and distraction. I sigh out loud and take a stab at trying to voice all of this.

“Are we going to talk about what we did the other night?” I ask. We did talk yesterday morning, but it all feels so different that we are back here in New York, at school, and in his loft. Just asking my question out loud, I feel like I’m talking to myself and I wonder if I even actually said it.  Silence. I nudge Ben with my elbow, “You’re not asleep, are you?”

“Hmm?” Ben hums. He moves and sighs, crossing his arms over his chest. “No, I’m awake. I heard you.”

“Can we talk?” I ask again. The images and feeling of him so close to me in the dark at the beach house flash through my mind. His gentleness stirs over me again and again in memory. But is he thinking about it like I am? Is he replaying every second? Is he questioning anything like I am, does he even remember that night since we were drinking? I’ll admit, it is a little bit hazy for me. And he told me he does but does he really? Do I really remember it as much as I think I do? Have I been spinning it with strands of my imagination? Am I filling in gaps I actually forgot?

“Talk about this weekend?” Ben says. He sounds like he is talking to himself too.

“Yes,” I say. I twist and roll over on my side to face him across from me. “Let’s talk.”

Ben gets up too. He looks careful as if he is reviewing the events, possibly seeing if there was something he should have noticed. I laugh at his apparent nervousness.

“You’re not in trouble,” I clarify. “Can I speak freely even if I sound like a fool?”

“If it’s you being the fool, then I guess that’s alright,” Ben says.  He smiles at me. The warmth of it blossoms in my chest and warms my cheeks.

“Alright,” I agree. I reach over and wrap one of my hand’s around his. He gives my hand a little squeeze. Ben is quiet so I decide to speak first. My biggest fear is looking too happy. I know Ben is special to me and I am special to him, but I always wonder if I am the one loving too much. I sigh. I’ll just say it, get it off my chest and out in the air.

“I want to say I really enjoyed my weekend with you. Especially that night,” I say.

Ben grins. “I know,” he says. “Me too Julie.”

His smile continues to melt my heart, I shake myself and continue to speak. “But is that how things are now? I mean, I really like it, but sometimes a weekend away can get out of hand. It’s a little—really—romantic but back to normal life here in New York, are things back to normal now?”

Ben looks like he is trying to knit my words together. His eyebrows lower over his eyes and his mouth opens a little as it does when he is thinking about something really hard. His eyes jump to mine.

“Do you mean back to before the vacation? How we were together before we went away for the weekend?” Ben asks.

“Yeah. Are things going to continue like that since we are back home now?”

He looks really worried. Ben sits up as I continue to try to explain.

“Or can we keep trying this new thing? Like, you and me, more than we used to be. You have always been so careful and gentle with me Ben, but, if I can speak honestly, I don’t want last weekend to be a one-time thing.”

Ben had been swelling up with a big breath in his chest as I talked. He breathes out, deflating, his shoulders drooping and a crooked smile lighting up his face. “Julie, you have me scared that you were going to ask for things to go back to normal!” Ben exclaims. He laughs and takes his hand from mine to ruffle his hair and shake his head in relief. He looks back at me. “You really worried me for a second, of course, I’m not saying I would force you into anything—whatever you want, whenever, whatever it is even if we decide to continue a relationship like this and you grow uncomfortable with it, I will step back or step up for you not matter what it is. Again, and again.”

His sudden speech hits me and sinks in with such warmth, admittedly paired with a little cold tinge of surprise. I was expecting him to just answer me, not to make me feel so reassured.

“Wow, Ben, I—really?”

“If your comfort and feeling of safety asks me to back off for a little bit, I will. I never want to make you do anything you don’t want to do or feel comfortable doing. That said, I must express how excited I am to be like this with you.”

His hands caress and cup my cheek. I sit up slowly and scoot to sit a little closer to him as he guides me gently to him.

“I’ll make sure you are always safe with me Julie. You’ll never have to question that.”

“Wow,” I sigh into his hands and lean into them. I wasn’t expecting that. I was expecting some sloppy confession, and awkward words from myself. But Ben just took all that away and wrapped me in such comfort as he says he would.

“That’s a lot, um, a lot of good things,” I say, stumbling as I feel my cheeks heat up. “Well, Ben, thank you and even if you tried, I don’t think you could ever make me feel unsafe. From the worst of it, you’ve been here for me. Thank you.”

“Aw, come here,” Ben says. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me into a hug. I fidget and unwind my arms to wrap around his waist. His hair, getting a little longer, tickles the back of my neck as I tuck myself against his chest. He makes me so happy and so calm at once, I can’t help but giggle a little.

The position we are in, the conversation we are having, and where we are all reoccurs to me.

“When is Sean coming back tonight?” I ask, stifling my laugh. Ben sits back a little. His forearms rest on top of my shoulders.

“Hmm,” he hums. “Probably not for a few hours. I can’t imagine he will leave before the library closes if it means he has a chance to sell one of his mushy cookies.”

“Only if Elena doesn’t catch him and chase him out,” I say.

“Oh, I think he’ll escape her clutches,” Ben says. “Maybe he will find Megan again and drive her nuts.”

“Probably.”

Ben twists his fingers that rest behind my neck, he looks around, twisting his lips from a frown of thought to a sneaky smile.

“What?” I egg him on, my fingers tickling him a little in temptation. He flinches and smiles even bigger,

“Are you asking where Sean is to see how much alone time we will have?” Ben asks. “Perhaps?”

“I guess so. Are you saying we do have a substantial amount of alone time?”

“Probably.”

“I guess that makes it more exciting.”

“Should we come up with a story if Sean happens to walk in? We will have a little bit of time since we are out of sight up here.”

I grin, “What, really?” I laugh at the silliness of it. “We can make something up on the spot.”

“Or get really quiet so he thinks we are asleep?”

“Sure thing. So, this means…”

“Are we wanting to do a replay of Saturday night, except we are totally awake and sober?”

“You told me I didn’t fall asleep!” I exclaim.

“You didn’t! I wasn’t lying. We are just much more… capable this time around,” Ben confirms. My sides start to ache from laughing. “Drinking makes everyone a little clumsy.”

“Ben!” My face is bright red, if I could melt and hide I would.

            Ben brushes the tears from my laughter aside. He’s suddenly very close, his forehead against mine, his nose tracing my cheekbone until his eyelashes flutter against my skin. I nearly leap out of my skin, suddenly so embarrassed. Ben is laughing now as I fail to calm down.

“Okay, okay. Yeah,” I chant. I wave my arms and shake myself as if I could expel my sudden energy distracting me from what I’ve been not-so-secretly looking forward to all day.  “But before we begin, this is the awkward part when I ask: where do you keep your condoms?”

“Julie.” Ben cracks and his face is all red now too.

“I’m serious. I think that’s a little important!”

“Man, well at least you remember things well even if you are a little distracted,” he says.

“Of course, that’s not something I would forget. Even if you are throwing yourself at me,” I tease.

“Alright, shush,” Ben whispers. Finally, he leans forward for a kiss.

Chapter 6

It is late March. Spring break was at the beginning of the month, but the weather in New York City is just beginning to warm up. Felicity and I are outside on the street, taking a walk before class. The honking taxis, yelling vendors, and the hustle of people have a quietness of their own. Loud in theory, the noise all blends into the background as we talk, it is the normal song of a city street, and we find peace in the rays of sun shining down between the buildings.

“Ugh, I cannot believe my heater broke in the dorm last night,” Felicity says. “I think it went down to fifty degrees last night; I was freezing!”

“Did you tell Noel about it?” I ask.

“Yeah, he told me it broke because I had my window open too much, so I overworked it.”

“The University should really turn the heat down; it isn’t the winter anymore. I felt like it was boiling when I stopped by my room yesterday.”

“Exactly! That’s why I had my window open all day and the night before. But it was only cracked. Plus, fresh air is important.”

“How come you didn’t just go to Noel’s room last night? Or I could have given you my keys to sleep in my room instead of shivering in the dark,” I say with a laugh. We hop over a sewer full of cigarette butts and cross the street to go back to school.

“Uh, I didn’t want to bother him,” Felicity says. Her voice is quiet. She pulls her scarf up over her mouth, her hair spiraling around her cheeks.

“‘Bother him,’?” I ask.

“I—uh, we are spending more time together. We usually study in the library. Elena is there too, but I am still nervous about it all. It’s like, I want to be with him and we are still working on our relationship—and we have talked this over, we both agree it’s going to take a while, and I know that we both sincerely want it to work out, but those old fears and residual feelings come back, and I’m afraid of putting too much into this. I mean, what if tomorrow everything is okay, but it would be way too fast because I still can’t wrap my mind around my feelings, it’s like there is a wall there and I can’t tell if it is in my way or if it is protecting me,” Felicity explains.

“How do you feel when you are with him? Do you enjoy being around him still, or is it awkward?”

“I wouldn’t say it’s unhappy. Maybe I’m too stuck in the struggle of now and what now is supposed to mean.”

“Now? What do you mean by that?”

“Now, as in right now, we aren’t 100% at the moment. We are still in between what we used to be and what happened in the past.”

“What if you tried something different? Break from what you guys used to be and try something new?” I say. “I don’t know what that would be but maybe try a different schedule, or maybe try out a new feeling, think ‘if x, y, or z, would happen’, how would that make you feel?”

We are back on campus. Felicity is quiet in her thoughts as she opens the door for me to go into the University.

“Okay, I’ll try that. I don’t know what to think yet, but I’ll try to break these circles I’ve been thinking myself into,” she says. “But, enough about me, how are you? How’s Ben?”

I smile and shrug. “I don’t know, really good, I guess. I only slept over last night, but Sean has started the habit of leaving us notes on the table before he goes to bed. He’s usually up much later than us, so we find them in the morning.”

Felicity laughs. We enter one of the halls and are greeted by a rush of students. We weave in and out and make our way to a wall to anchor ourselves to be able to stand still. “What did the note say?” she asks.

“I don’t know. It was some riddle, I think. Maybe he is hinting at his latest invention that he hasn’t revealed yet.”

“Oh, no. Something more than the soggy cookies?”

There is a shout from down the hallway, Lynn, one of Ben’s friends from the swimming team waves us down,

“Felicity, Julie! Hey guys, how’s it going?”

“Hi, Lynn,” I say. He comes over and joins our spot out of the crowds of the hall. “What’s up?” I ask.

“I’m throwing a party this weekend and wanted to see if everyone is down for it. Saturday night sound good to you?” Lynn asks.

“A party?” Felicity asks. This might be a good opportunity for her and Noel to break out of their routine.

“Have you told Ben about it yet?” I ask.

“I haven’t seen him yet; can you tell him for me? It’s at the usual place, let’s burn off some of this late semester stress. How about it, are you in?”

“Yeah, sure,” Felicity says. “I think that sounds like a lot of fun. What about you, Julie?”

“For sure—thanks, Lynn, we’ll let you go tell everyone. 8 o’clock on Saturday then?”

“Yeah! See you girls, go get rid of your homework because we are partying this weekend!” Lynn cheers and disappears into the crowd.

“Doesn’t he party every weekend?” I ask. Felicity smiles.

“Let’s go to class.” 

Later that day, at lunch, Felicity and I tried to propose the party idea to Elena. She brought her fork down on her french fries

“What?! You guys are crazy. How can we have another party now? We only just got back from spring break!”

Felicity is laughing. She covers her face with her hands and tries not to choke on her food in the process.

“Elena, spring break was three weeks ago! It’s time we all did something, and everyone is here, so why not?”

“Everyone was at the beach house!”

“No, we can invite Sean, Lynn will be there, and a lot more people,” I say.

“You two especially don’t need a party. I, on the other hand, have been working hard since we returned. You both have been off in la la land with your boys.”

“Hey now, I’ve been getting my homework done,” Felicity says.

“We’ve been doing a good job, and I think you should come with us Elena, you deserve one night off. Plus, you wouldn’t want to miss out when we are all there. You’re an essential part of the group, and we can’t party without you!” I exclaim. Elena studies harder than anyone. I’m sure there is something that she doesn’t have to go over for the third time.

Elena folds her arms and looks at me and then Felicity. She sighs. “Fine. I’ll go, but only for a few hours, I won’t be staying out too late. Okay?”

“Yes!”

Felicity:

The first thing to do for the party is to make sure we all have time off. With so much going on, I need to make sure my scheduling for this event is perfect, even if it is just another party at the bar thrown by Lynn, I need to make sure I can get there on time, and that means I can’t close for Dean & Deluca on Saturday night.

I stop by my dorm to drop off my books. I knock at Noel’s door, but when there is no answer, I leave a note telling him where and when the party is on Saturday, so he is free. Next, I head off to Dean & Deluca to ask my boss, Javier, for the night off.

Dean & Deluca is a small coffee shop and café. The bell on the door rings when I come in, and a few customers are sitting at tables in the quiet buzz of soft conversation. The aroma of coffee is enough to make me want to sit here all day.

I’ll need to approach Javier carefully about taking off Saturday. I’m still catching up from taking off for spring break, so I might need to convince him. I step behind the counter, past the espresso machine, and go into the kitchen in the back.

“Hi, Javier, are you—”

“I really need the time of Javier, I know you can give it to me, we have other workers who can close for the night,” Ben says.

“Ben?!” I exclaim. What is he doing here already?

Ben and Javier are in the kitchen. Ben is in uniform, but his hair is sticking out at all ends as if he had been stressfully running his hands through it. He’s wearing no hair net as usual. Javier’s eyes light up when I walk in. He reaches up to fix his glasses and pushes them further up his nose.

“Aaah! Felicity! You’ve come at a perfect time. Are you able to close by yourself this Saturday night?” Javier asks.

Ben looks at me, his mouth partially open as he watches the conversation get away from him.

“Ben,” I say with a moan. “I was coming to talk to Javier first—how did you find out about Saturday so quickly?”

“Julie stopped by and told me before I left for my shift,” Ben says.

“I was supposed to ask Javier, you just—Javier, I’m very sorry, but is there possibly a way that both Ben and I do not close on Saturday? Can one of the other part-timers pick up the extra hours?” I ask. I clasp my hands together and really try to sound desperate.

Javier sighs. “No one really wants to work on Saturdays, and there’s a reason you two are the only ones to do it. The other part-timers already don’t want to work on Saturdays, that is why you two are my go-to people. And what, is there an event to go to? What kind of party starts before 11 pm?”

“Um, one where we want to be able to go out early so we can do our homework?” I say.

“No, no, I know, you shouldn’t have a party if homework was that important! Felicity, I really do need you this Saturday.”

Ugh. I try to think of any other excuse. This is not going how I planned. Ben, as usual, has a mix of unreadable emotions across his face. Is he amused or concerned? Does he even know? Maybe if enough of us can’t make it to the beginning of the party, we can push back everyone’s arrival time.

“Okay,” I say to Javier. “But on one condition, I’m not comfortable closing the coffee shop by myself on a Saturday night. What if a bunch of rowdy customers comes in, and I’m all by myself?” I ask. Ben’s face stretches into an “o” of surprise.

Javier thinks for a minute. “Okay, okay—Ben, I’m sorry, but I can’t give you the time off. Felicity is right; I do need two workers here on Saturday, if you can take the time, I really need you too.”

“I can’t work extra hours to make it up instead?” Ben asks.

“No, just this Saturday,” Javier says.

Ben groans.

There is a clatter from upfront.

“Ah, I’ve left the customers too long. I’ll talk to you two later!” Javier exclaims. He leaves for the front counter. Ben and I stand in silence for a moment.

“Why did you have to come to talk to him first?!” I ask. Ben jumps and puts up his hands in mock defense.

“I was trying to get off for our party, just like you!”

“I would have asked for both of us to get off of work, not just myself!”

“Well that didn’t work out, now did it?”

We are angry-whispering back and forth until Javier pops back in.

“Ben! I need you upfront. Felicity? Shoosh shoosh, I’ll see you at your next shift.”

Chapter 7

Felicity:

“Javier, there might be rowdy customers late on a Saturday night. I don’t know if I can do the shift alone!” Ben croons. He is wiping down the café tables at Dean & Deluca. His sleeves are rolled up, and the rag he has been using needs to be replaced. I’m at the counter counting our inventory of Styrofoam to-go cups for the third time tonight. It’s almost 10:30 pm, we close in half an hour.

Ben laughs as he cleans and slops water on the floor. Thanks to him, I missed the beginning of our weekend get together at 8:00 pm. But, thanks to me, he is missing it too, hence his teasing.

“Felicity? Are you scared of the dark? I’m sure you’ve closed the café by yourself plenty of times. I can’t imagine why tonight would be any different. I almost wish we had some rowdy customers as you feared. That would have made my time worth it.”

“One customer came in for tea,” I say.

“Two hours ago.”

I ignore him and put the cups down. This week had been the definition of unproductive. It took until Friday for campus maintenance to fix my air conditioner and heater. My study sessions with Noel were a mess. I spent most of my time staring at the paper, trying not to look at him. Then when I studied with Elena, I spent the whole-time rehashing everything I might have said to Noel in one session. As a result, my homework has piled, and now I’m missing most of Lynn’s party. Eleven o’clock couldn’t come faster.

“Are you going straight to the party after this?” I ask Ben.

“Yeah, I don’t want to miss any more of it, thanks to you.”

“Hey—I was going to try and get both of us out of this.”

“Well, you didn’t.”

“Ugh,” I moan. Ben somehow manages to balance between joking and a little bit of irritation. He flicks his washrag and looks over the sloppy work he completed. He sighs.

“Almost done. Almost there,” he mutters to himself.

“Yep, almost,” I say. I stack the cups back into their box and carry them to the storage room. I fit them on a wire shelf and lock the door on my way out. “Let’s shut it down,” I say. “We know no one else is going to come out tonight.” Ben’s eyebrows go up, chased by a smile.

“Yes, ma’am.” He hurries back to the kitchen to dump his bucket and rinse out the rag. I finish cleaning behind the counter and put up the remaining chairs. We lock up and decide to hurry straight to the bar in our uniforms, so we don’t miss anymore.

Ben and I make it to Epstein Bar at 11:30 pm. From the street, the music inside can be heard. The beat catches my quivering heart as I try to catch my breath. I take off my Dean and Deluca cap and hang it on my belt loop. I ruffle my hair and try to push some life into it. Ahead, Ben opens the door for me. We finally make it to the party.

The bar is packed. The lights are low, and the music is loud. Students dance in the empty spaces between tables. Hands and drinks are held up into the air as the different couples or friends get close and celebrate the weekend. Lights flicker and reflect off a small disco ball hung up for the occasion.

“Hey! You guys made it!” Julie yells. She gets up from sitting at the bar with Elena. Lynn is pouring them drinks, the foam cascading over their glasses. Julie gets up and runs over to us both. “Finally!” she shouts. She leaps and pulls Ben and me into a big hug. I extract myself and steady her as she starts to lean without our support. Even in the dark, I can see how pink her face is. She giggles and wrinkles her nose at me.

“Julie, you’re already drunk,” I say.

“Man, what did you give my girlfriend?” Ben shouts at Lynn. Lynn shrugs with a smile and beckons us over.  Ben wraps his arm around Julie and guides her through a crowd of dancers to sit back at the bar. I follow, keeping my hand on the back of his jacket. Ben sits Julie down and then takes his seat next to her. His hand is on her waist in case she tips off her seat. Julie is smiles and babbles. Her head rests on Ben’s shoulder as she looks up at him, filling him in about the night we’ve been missing, but I can’t hear a word she says over the music.

“She only drank a Dirty Shirley or two,” Lynn tells us. “It’s probably all that sugar that got her too wound up.”

“Right,” Elena says. She turns to me. “Felicity, I’m glad you’re here. I’ve been chasing her all over the place. She kept looking around, saying that she wanted to see Ben. I think she got into a few other people’s drinks too, but I’m not sure.” Elena sighs and leans against the bar. She has a rum and coke in front of her with a lemon. She must be tired.

“Oh, boy,” I say. Elena takes a sip of her drink.

Across the dancers, Noel comes over to join us. He asks me how work went and catches me up on Julie’s antics. All and all, it sounds like everyone is having an alright time.

“Um, Noel?” I ask. He puts down his beer and leans forward to hear me. “Can we go talk somewhere? Just for a minute?”

“Yeah, sure!” his voice is high when he answers. He leans away from me. “Let’s go outside!” he shouts over the music. Elena smiles and pats me on the shoulder.

“I’ll watch our drinks!” she says.

“Thanks!”

Outside, Noel and I walk away from the bar to get away from the students hanging out front. We turn a corner and settle on an apartment’s cement stoop. I feel like I can hear every little noise now that I am outside of the bar. I feel like my footsteps and breath are way too loud right now.

Noel sits on a step above me. He squats where he sits, his knees up by my chest. He puts his hands in his jacket’s pockets and turns to face me,

“Is everything alright?” he asks.

I fuss with my hair and nod. “Yeah—yeah! Everything’s fine. I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Okay,” he says. His eyebrows raise a little.

“Noel, I’ll just say it. I don’t want to keep doing what we’ve been doing anymore.”

He leans back and looks like he stopped breathing. I wrap my hands around one of his knees.

“It’s okay—I just keep expecting us to wither away. It’s as if we’re stagnant. We are trying so hard to be what we used to be. Maybe it’s a little—already been done? I don’t know what I am trying to say, but I think we are two very different people now. We aren’t the same anymore.” Every idea I say, I try to enunciate with my hands, as if I can sort the ideas and hand them over to him in an order that makes sense.

Noel’s shoulders lift, and a breath pushes out of his lips. “W-what?” he manages to say. I sigh and run my hands through my hair. The turmoil of feeling in my chest is difficult to express.

“I don’t want to be concerned anymore. I don’t want to overthink my every action with you. I don’t want to pick apart every word that you say, or I say. I just want to ‘be.’ But we never can just ‘be’ it seems.”

“Alright, but what do you want? I don’t think I’m following,” Noel says. His eyes grow wide, and his mouth opens as if someone had just told him horrible news. “Felicity, are you breaking up with me? I—I thought things were going okay. I thought we were getting better again.”

“No! Noel, I—kiss me right now. Just kiss me—I don’t want to think anymore. That’s what I am saying! I just want us to be us and do what we want. No more walls, no more awkwardness—just kiss me!”

A laugh bursts from Noel. All fear on his face melts away in his visible relief. He catches his breath and tries to look serious,

“Oh, Felicity. You only want me for my lips, don’t you?” He leans closer, his nose nearly touching mine. His hands reach for my waist.

“No, of course not,” I argue. My face starts to heat up. “I just don’t want to guess anymore. Of course, I just don’t want your—”

“Felicity. Stop talking,” Noel says. His smile has returned. He pulls me closer. I drape my arms over his shoulders and lace my hands behind his head. He kisses me.

Ben:

The early sun wakes me up in the morning. It streams through the window I left open to cool down the sweltering rooms of the loft. Thoughts of the coming summer and the warming temperature do not appease the sticky sweat across my body that glues me to the sheets. I groan and roll over. A beautiful sight fills my eyes.

Julie is fast asleep next to me on top of the blankets. Her hair is twisted up into little ponytails, the baby hairs along her forehead and above her ears curl and stick to her cheeks. Her arms are wrapped around the pillow as if she cuddled down into it to sleep. Her legs are drawn up slightly, and I can’t help but trace the outline of her slim shoulders, and the slope of her waist to her raised hips. She’s wearing only a pair of booty shorts and a bra.

I lean over and kiss her on the head before getting up to take a shower.

Despite the weekend’s excursion, the weeks continue to slip by, and exams are nearly upon us. Julie and I walk to class hand in hand every day. Sean’s notes are getting a little more creative as he addresses them to us. Every morning has a new form of our names mashed together. “Julie” and “Ben” have become “Lien,” “Bulie,” “June,” and more. I’m thankful these names never fall into use. But Julie? She saves every note Sean addresses to us.

Felicity has been on me about studying more for the exams. She is becoming more and more like Elena as the doomsday of finals looms. From what I hear, she is finally studying instead of staring at Noel all night during their library sessions. I do feel that any of the remaining tension between them has lifted. Lynn invites us to more parties, but the girls drag us to study this time around instead. Once these exams are over and I somehow manage to pass the literature exam, it’ll be only summertime ahead. And summertime in New York City sounds like the place to be.

It’s two days before finals. Julie, Noel, Felicity, Elena, and I are in the hall between classes. Elena is handing out a last-minute study group plan to everyone.

“I thought you are supposed to spend the night before a big exam resting?” Noel asks.

“I think I can fit in a bit more, I need too,” Felicity murmurs to herself.

Julie bumps her shoulder against me as she leans and reads Elena’s hand out. She taps her pen on her lips in thought. I go to read my copy, but something catches my eye.

It’s Nicole. She saunters by our group. As she passes, she hooks her finger on her spaghetti strap and twists it while looking at me. Her eyes flick up and down me and at Julie. She looks away and turns a corner.

Chapter 8

Julie:

This morning didn’t start so well. I woke up with an awful burn turning in my stomach. I got out of bed and ran to the bathroom, coughing and leaning over the toilet until I was sick. Ben found me like that on the bathroom floor. He got me a glass of water and then wiped my brow with a cold compress. He carried me back to bed and held me while I waited for the nausea to dissipate. I was fine within the hour and made it to my exam. But, during the exam, my mind kept drifting to last night when Ben and I didn’t get any studying done. The memories of his soft kisses turned my face bright-red as I was supposed to be writing a short-form essay response.

After class, I stopped by the pharmacy where I picked up some medicine for my stomachache. As I hurry up to the loft, the plastic bag bounces off my hip and pieces of hair that have fallen out of my twin buns keep flicking across my eyes. I try to blow them away, but I don’t want to drop the pile of notes I have in my arms for Ben. Little sticky notes stick out of the pile and flap in the air as I hurry. Ben’s notes were missing all the literature analysis. Luckily, Felicity let me copy hers, and he should have time to look over them. Neat, colorful highlighter marks the definitions of critical theory and psychoanalytic criticisms and other scopes of applicable criticism in literature.

I’m out of breath and a little dizzy when I reach the loft’s door. I stop a moment to catch my breath. Shifting the notes to one hip, I free my hand and open the door.

Ben:

The door to the loft suddenly opens, and Julie comes in.

“Hey, Ben. I’m back!” Julie says. She has an arm full of paper and uses her foot to close the door behind her. “Felicity let me copy some of her literature notes for you. I think they will help—” Julie’s voice falters, and the stack of paper in her hands fall in a rush to scatter across the floor. 

My heart drops to my feet like a stone. I’m standing in the kitchen entangled by Nicole, who had sneakily let herself into the loft just minutes before Julie arrived. I didn’t hear her come in because snuck up on me while I was cleaning. I thought she was Julie, until I turned around and saw it was Lynn’s Ex-girlfriend. I couldn’t get away from her fast enough, but she had me trapped with the kitchen counter at my back. Nicole snaked her arms around my neck and pressed herself against me as I struggled and tried to push her away. When Julie walked in, it was too late.

“B-Ben?” Julie says. Her voice cracks into a tiny whisper. “You said things were over with her.”

I give Nicole a final shove and get her off me. “They are—It’s not what it looks like,” I try to say. Julie’s face crumples and tears spring into her eyes. I try to go to her, to consoler her, but, but Nicole jumps between us, stopping me.

“Hi, Julie,” Nicole says.

Julie gasps and runs out the door without a word, her hands covering her face.  “Julie! I said they are! It’s not what you think!” I shout.

I can hear her footsteps disappear down the hall. The papers she dropped on the floor shuffle and settle after her departure. Nicole crosses her arms, a thin smile stretching across her lips.

“What were you thinking?!” I yell, “I told you to never talk to me again. What right do you have to come in here and—”

“Hah!” Nicole shouts back. She stretches and flexes her shoulders. “Do you see how easy she left you?” Nicole says. “It looks to me like she never really cared about you if she left without a fight. If it were me, I would have fought for you, Ben. That’s the only thing I was trying to show you. She doesn’t love you. You need a real woman in your life, not that little heartache of a girl.” Nicole’s voice drops into a seductive whisper, but it only makes my skin crawl. I block her oncoming advancements and push her towards the door.

“Nicole, get out. I never want to see you again.”

Julie:

My lungs feel as if they are going to tear and burst. I run as fast as I can back to the dorms. People out on the sidewalk jump aside and look at me. Some students shout my name, but I run and run until I am finally in the bathroom on my dorm’s floor and collapse in a bathroom stall. My bag bangs off the linoleum as I sputter and throw up into the toilet. I choke and cry, clawing at my chest as the sobs rack my body. Images of Ben with that whore Nicole tear through my head. I can’t see straight as I slip to the ground and curl up with my cheek on the cold floor.

As these thoughts terrorize and torment my mind, somewhere distant to my gloom, the bathroom door opens, and a few people come in and arguing voices from the hallway drift in.

“Julie?” It’s Felicity. “Julie are you in here?” she asks.

“There, she’s in the first stall,” Elena says. “Julie?” They come closer to my stall. Felicity’s worn tennis shoes and Elena’s boots appear in my sight. “Julie, we are opening the door. Okay?” I mumble and try to respond but my throat feels swollen and torn with sickening bile.

Felicity and Elena suddenly appear above me as they crouch down and reach out to touch my leg.

“Julie, what happened?” Felicity whispers. Her eyes are big, mostly white with worry.

“H-how did you find me?” I croak. My cheeks are hot and sticky with my tears. I sniffle and try to wipe them away.

“Some classmates who saw you run into the bathroom told us.”

“I don’t want anyone to see me like this.”

“Don’t worry, Noel’s watching the door to keep everyone outside. Can you sit up?”

“I think so,” I answer. Felicity supports me as I slowly sit up from the bathroom floor. They hold me steady as she brushes my hair out of my face. Elena takes some toilet paper and dabs my eyes and cheeks.

“What happened girl?” Elena asks. I lean back against the stall and look at them. My mouth feels like it is full of cotton. If I tried to speak, I might choke. And even to think about what happened—my stomach throbs and I double over.

“Julie!” Felicity puts her arms on my shoulders to help steady me. “Please tell us. We can help.”

“It’s just stress—I can’t—”

“Yeah, girl, but stress doesn’t make you throw up,” Elena says. “Nerves? Sure. Is this the first time you threw up today?”

“No, I threw up this morning and I think I felt nauseous yesterday morning too,” I say.

Felicity and Julie look at each other. Felicity opens and closes her mouth twice and looks back at Elena for help.

“Julie, do you and Ben use protection when you sleep together?”

Oh, Ben—Ben and I together. Ben and Nicole together. Her bony hands stroking him—I shudder. “Yes, we do,” I answer.

“When was the first-time you guys had sex?”

“At the beach house.”

“Do you remember using any contraceptives that time?” Elena asks.

“Why?”

“We all had a lot to drink that night,” Felicity says. She wraps her hands around mine.

Wait, they are thinking about something different than I am right now. I can’t think or feel right because of Ben and what he did to me.

“But we were always so careful. We used a condom every time,” I say.

“Did it break, could it have messed up somehow?”

“I don’t know—I—I don’t remember.”

Elena bites her lip and looks askance. “Something might have gone wrong,” she says.

“What are you trying to say?” I ask. Elena gets up and tells Felicity to stay with me.

“I’ll be right back,” she says. She runs out of the bathroom.

“Felicity? What’s going on? She can’t be serious. I can’t even think about that right now. I’m sick of the stress, I swear, I can tell you more about it tomorrow if you let me. I just need to go to bed. Let me go to bed and just cry it all away. I’ll tell you in the morning. Please.”

Felicity holds my hands and smiles; her eyes are teary as she tries to make me feel better. “It’ll be okay, Julie, I’m here for you.”

“I’m not pregnant—I just have a lot going on right now—”

The bathroom door opens again, and I hear Elena talking to Noel.

“Just give us five more minutes,” Elena asks him. Some people are out in the hall talking, asking what is going on.

“Is she okay?” Noel asks.

“Yeah, just, we’ll be out soon.”

Elena comes in and drops a bunch of water bottles on the ground. “From the concerned floormates,” she explains. Felicity picks a water up, opens it, and hands it to me to drink.

“Slowly,” she cautions. I take it and sip carefully. The cold water burns my throat.

“Now, Julie, I want you to take this. It’s better to be on the safe side,” Elena says. She takes a pregnancy test stick from her bag.

“Where did you find that?”

“A girl on our floor. She has a lot of pregnancy scares. Anyways, don’t worry, I said it was for me,” Elena says. She opens the packaging and holds the stick out to me. “Take it.”

I try to scoot away. “I don’t want to, I don’t think this is the problem,” I say with a whimper. My eyes grow hot, and my tears threaten to spill over again. I can’t explain everything right now, but I know this isn’t my problem. I just can’t even think of Ben without a hot pain slicing into my chest, thudding pressure onto my throat, stomach, and eyes. I want to crumple and scream my frustrations away.

Felicity takes the test and puts it into my shaky hands.

“We’ll wait right outside by the sinks. Take your time,” Felicity says. She hugs me and gets up with Elena, closing the stall door behind them.

I hold the white stick in my hands for a while. I can’t wrap my head around everything that is happening. I feel foolish, but I know I can’t give Elena and Felicity a real explanation for my pain right now. Even if I can’t remember much of our first night together, today’s discovery takes all my pain and concern.

 I go ahead and take the test. I don’t look at the it after I’m done. I unlatch the stall door and walk out, counting my breaths, as I join Felicity and Elena by the sinks. I turn the stick over, and two red lines stare up at me.

The room dips into a sickening swirl. I drop the test as my knees give out. The stick clatters on the tile. Felicity and Elena yell, they catch me, and we all tumble onto the floor as I open my mouth in a soundless wail. I crumble and collapse into their arms, clinging to them as I cry.

Felicity and Elena tell me it’s going to be okay, everything is fine, they are here for me. Their words of support surround me like a little chant. Ben will be there for me, they say, Noel will be delighted. It’s good news, they repeat, good news, everything is fine no matter what happens. 

“Don’t tell Ben,” I manage to say and repeat through my gasping tears. “Don’t tell Ben.” 

Chapter 9

Megan:

Out on the streets, cars and vans fight the taxi cabs for space on the curb. The early-summer sun reflects off chrome bumpers and dives into shadows between the high-rise buildings while hundreds of students, parents, and families swarm the sidewalks, balancing boxes, books, and bags at their own risk.

It’s the end of the semester, and the school year at the University of New York has come to an end. I’m sitting on the arm of a bench, watching dorm students drop boxes, and bags full of clothes and hangers that burst onto the gum and cigarette littered sidewalk. I squirm and pull at the tight collar of my flowery dress. My parents will be here soon to take me away to our boring and quite plain hometown. A man walks over and sits next to me on the bench. He claps his knees and sucks in a big breath of the air as if New York City smelled like flowers. It’s Sean, Ben’s roommate.

“What are you doing here?” I ask him. He turns to me and smiles.

“Just enjoying the sight—the hubbub—the activity,” Sean says. “Aren’t moving days great?”

I slide down to sit next to him on the bench. I don’t want to admit that his excitement is infectious.

“I guess. I like the chaos,” I say. I shrug and turn towards a student trying to fit their unrolled science presentation into a car. It crinkles and bends, some glued-on note cards flutter off into the gutter.

“Exactly. I knew you would say that. Don’t you think there are much better ways to pack than flimsy boxes and old bags? The possibilities are endless,” Sean exclaims.

“I don’t want to try another of your whack-inventions,” I say.

“But this one even you would use. I’ll think of something to change your mind.”

“Uh-huh.”

We sit in silence for a little while. Sean gasps and murmurs as if he is watching a sports game when something goes wrong among the many movers. I check my watch, paranoid, for my parent’s arrival.

“It’s nice to have some light during these dark days,” Sean says.

“What?”

“Did you hear about Ben and Julie?”

I snort. “Of course—do you think Felicity would let me get out of any vent sessions? Sometimes I wish she would just focus on brushing her hair in the morning and stop telling me everything. Lord knows  she needs to handle whatever her hair is doing.”

Sean laughs, “Right, but I’m really worried about both of them.”

“Was it that swimmer’s girl-slut again?” I ask.

“Nicole?”

“Sure.”

“Yeah, she snuck up on Ben right when Julie appeared,” Sean explains. “He’s lost his mind over it. He’s still up in the loft, drinking and unpacked. Heck, I might have to drive him all the way to California myself at this rate.”

“Yeesh,” I mutter. To make matters worse, Julie has been sleeping in Felicity, and I’s room. Another obstacle to my morning.

“How’s Julie doing? I miss her,” Sean asks.

“I heard she’s spending the summer here with Elena. They’ll be renting a spare dorm. She’s alright, sad, but whatever.”

“I miss her,” Sean says. He looks at his feet and frowns. “Wait, why are you letting me actually talk to you?” he asks.

I shrug. “You mentioned ‘dark days.’ It’s kinda my thing,” I say.

“Ah, of course. Well, dark days or not—have a good summer?”

“I guess. You too—don’t get too wild.”

“See you next year Megan,” Sean answers.

I stand up and tell him I see my parents. “Yeah, bye,” I say before leaving, my chest a little warm. It must be the damn dress. I can hardly breathe with all this fabric.

Julie:

No wind comes in from the open dorm window. A collection of old fans crik-crik-crik as they push warm air around the room—beads of sweat dot my forehead and drip to pool on my chest. My stray hairs are glued to my face and neck with the sweat, crowding me with heat as I lay on my back, sprawled on the floor of Elena and I’s summer dorm. My shirt is rolled up to my chest to leave my stomach exposed. A growing bump extends, stretching the skin between my ribs and sore hips into something that surprises me every time I look down. Every time I curl up in sleep and my legs or arms brush my stomach, I flinch with dread dripping down my back like a cold rain.

But, in the heat, I just lay here waiting for the afternoon to fade and the sun to set before I try to move in the mid-July heat. Above my head, sticky notes, and cards, I’ve taped to the wall flutter in the fan’s breath. I pick one off and hold it above me to read the worn writing.

Dearest Julie,

I hope this card finds you well—How I wish I were with you! Noel spends much of his day at his program, leaving me to figure out to say hello in a city that has too many languages and not enough German to navigate. We are doing well. Berlin feels a lot like New York, except, there is an obvious weight of history on every building, sidewalk, and statue. All the neighborhoods fit together like puzzles, each street varying from the last. The fashion is louder here as well, lots of counterculture and painted eyebrows. You would love it.

All my love,

Felicity

P.S. Noel says if the baby is a girl and not a boy, you can call her Noel as in Christmas Noel to be named after him. He thinks it’s a perfect idea. I don’t like his idea of “Felix” too much!

The front of the postcard is a picture of the Berlin State Opera, a massive pink building with classical columns and a carved pediment. Carefully, I sit up and tape it back onto the wall with the collage of weekly postcards from Both Felicity and Noel for Elena and I. Peeling stamps and slashes of ink from the post office cover each corner, adding to their bent corners and smudged writing that I’ve read over and over again. I imagine Felicity writing them diligently and privately just as she records her spoken letters to her friend, Sally. I wonder if she is able to continue her tapes from overseas. What I would do to hear her voice. 

Taped beside the postcards are some of Sean’s notes. My chest burns each time I see these. Elena tells me I’m torturing myself with them, but the little notes remind me of the mistake I made, but they are also an attempt to let go of my anger to not hate Ben for what he did to me. But I can’t find myself on either side of that thought. One day I hope to look at the notes without any pain. I’ve been successful so far.

One note reads,

To my greatest gal and my straight-faced roommate. Make sure he smiles lots today, okay Julie?

--Sean

Another,

Julie! Julie, Julie bo-bu-lie, bo-na-na fanna, fo-fu-lie, mo-mu-lie, Julie!

Your name is more fun than “Ben.” Bo-ben? Fo-fen? Nah.

--Sean

And so on.

Ben drove back to California for the summer, and I am here in New York, pregnant.

The dorm door creaks open, and Elena comes back from her research internship.

“Oh-mah-gawd—it is so hot out there—and here!” she exclaims. Elena drops her book bag on the ground and immediately undresses from her business skirt and blouse. “This should be criminal,” she mutters, rolling down and kicking off her skirt. “Julie? Julie, come on—are you reading those again?” she asks.

I shake my head and lean against the foot of my bed.

“No.”

“Julie-bo-bu-lie?” she asks with a teasing smile.

I stretch my legs out, and I feel too warm. “I guess,” I answer. “How was work?”

“The usual. My co-worker came in hungover again. How can someone drink in this heat? Crazy. I saw Sean. He was poking around the library around lunchtime.”

“How is he?” I ask.

“Alright, misses you, etc. I said you were very busy with work,” Elena answers. “I told him he should call you to chat sometime.” Elena pulls on a little sundress and sits right in front of a fan. She leans back and lets the air rush over her.

“How are you feeling?” she shouts over the running whir of the fan.

“I’m fine today. I wasn’t too sick this morning,” I answer. “But it sucks. It’s too hot to eat, and I’m starved,” I moan.

“That’s what happens, girl,” Elena says. She lays on her back and looks at me from across the floor. I scoot over to sit next to her.

“Did you call the doctor today?”

“No, they said they’d call me for the next check-up. They keep asking about my guardians, though. It’s getting difficult.” I pull my shirt down. I’ve been self-conscious since I started showing. I haven’t even left our dorm in fear of some summer students seeing me. There is no way to hide a pregnancy in the heat of the summer. I spend the day reading Felicity’s postcards or plucking at my guitar. Elena says when I become too pregnant to hold the guitar, she’ll find me some good books to read. I feel a mixture of dread and laughter at the thought.

Overall, the summer heat has a permanent feeling of sickness and misery. Thoughts of Ben still stop me in my tracks and wake me up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. The burn of cried-out dry tears is a permanent feeling behind my eyes.

“What will I do when school begins?” I ask. Elena sighs.

“Julie, we’ve been over this. We’ve got you. I’ve been searching for student apartments that a few of us can split. That’ll get you out of the dorms and will get you some privacy. Felicity and Noel are down for it too.”

“Have you found anything yet?”

“I’m still looking. And when August comes, maybe we can hide you with clothes for a little bit. But in the end, everyone will eventually know. There’s this thing called an actual baby coming. Have you called your parents?”

“No.”

“What about your biological mom?”

“I thought about it.”

Elena sits up to face me. “I think she might understand. Seeing you like this, she might want to make amends, and she might be able to help.”

“She chose to give me away and still refuses to see me. Why would she want any more of me?” I counter. She was too afraid for her marriage to reveal my existence. I had a whole real family here in New York City this entire time, and she won’t accept me.

“Maybe she will see it as a second chance, a way to make amends.”

“I don’t think so. I don’t want my baby to have a secret grandmother.”

“I think it’s worth a try.”

“I don’t know,” I whine. Elena brings this up almost every day, and I can hardly keep up with countering her ideas. It makes a little more sense every day, but the idea of hoping again is almost crushing. And any more rejection or examples of a lack of love will undoubtedly smother my will.

“We are here for you,” Elena says. “No matter what, you still have us. I think it’s worth a try; you already expect her to want no association with you. So, if nothing happens, nothing happens.”

“I don’t want her judgment. I could always think, at least I’m not going to do what she did,” I say.

“But you’re not. You’re keeping the baby,” Elena says.

“Yeah.”

“Then call her. I think you should try it.” Elena gets up and brings our phone over to me. She puts it in my hand. “Go on,” she says.

Chapter 10

*click* “Hello?”

“Hi, Carole? This is Julie calling.”

“Julie? I asked you not to call my office anymore.”

“I know—it’s really important if you can listen to me for a few moments. I don’t want anything from you. I just want to tell you something.”

There is silence on the line. I imagine Carole taking a breath and deflating at my call. Elena lays on the floor next to me; her hand is against my knee and her eyes are closed. I breathe and try to stitch the words together in my mind. 

“What’s there to talk about Julie?” Carole asks. Her voice is soft to whisper without being overheard. “I thought we came to an understanding.”

“It was more like I agreed to leave you alone,” I say. “I didn’t have much choice—ever.”

“Is that what you called me to say?” Carole asks.

“No! I—it’s hard to say, I’m sorry,” I answer. I bite my lip. Elena pinches me,

“Don’t say sorry,” she whispers.

“No, I meant to call you. And I mean to talk to you. I’ll just say it—I’m pregnant, and I broke up with my boyfriend because he cheated on me,” I say in a rush.

“What?!”

“I’m pregnant.”

“And the father?”

“He left.” I want to say, I’m just like you, but the words taste like bile on my tongue. Such a comparison rips away at the little sanity I have. And that sanity is working full time to keep this phone in my hand and my body upright. My free hand finds its way to cradle my stomach, a nervous tick I’ve developed.

“You’re pregnant,” Carole says to herself. “How could that happen? You can’t tell me you’ve had the best example of exactly why you shouldn’t get knocked up in school—haven’t you? How could you let this happen?” she exclaims.

Elena opens her eyes; she can hear Carole’s voice over the phone as it raises in volume.

“How could I?” I ask. Out of my melancholy, a lick of anger ignites, “how could you say that—just as you didn’t mean to get pregnant, I didn’t mean to either.”

“You should have been more careful.”

“Carole, you are in no place to judge. I’m not calling to argue with you—”

“Then what do you want, Julie? I can’t help you. Did you think my family would ever forgive me for telling them about you? And then if they find out I turned you away a second time and now you are pregnant? Are you sure you’re pregnant?”

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“Are you just hoping you are pregnant or are you pretending to get me to let you into my family?”

“No! I don’t trick people—”

“I thought you of all people would know you can’t do something like this. It’s sad, unbelievable, Julie.”

“You can’t judge me Carole, you can’t. You are no role model either,” I say. Tears well up and spill down my cheeks. Every word I say digs into my chest like little hot needles. I didn’t know what I wanted to say to Carole, I don’t know what I really want from her and this is becoming a mess.

“I believed you would at least have my bad choices as an experience to learn from, I thought I showed you that at least.”

“You showed me only abandonment—I am not you!” I finally snap. “I’m keeping this baby, she’s mine, and she will never have to wonder where she belongs. I just wanted to know what you would do if you decided to keep yours—what do you do, what can I do—” I dissolve into tears. The phone slips from my fingers and falls onto my lap. I bury my face in my hands and cry at the stress of everything and honestly at the realization of my inner determination to keep this child. We always spoke of it as an assumption, but everyone treated the topic carefully. No one ever asked me directly if I was keeping my child. Elena, Felicity, and Noel respected my decisions, and I know I had their support with any choice I made. But I don’t think I ever told myself directly what I was going to do. I’m actually going to be a mother. I don’t know what to do.

Elena jumps up and instantly pulls me to her, wrapping her arms around me. With one hand, she picks up the phone and puts it between her ear and shoulder.

“Carole? This is Julie’s roommate, Elena—yes—I’m taking care of her. Mmhmm, she can’t come to the phone but I think as you understand, she reached out for advice about keeping her baby and what you would have done if you did things differently. She isn’t trying to change anything or make you take her back; she just really doesn’t have anyone to talk to about this—No, he’s gone. Yes, alright. Thank you, I’m going to hang up now—bye.” Elena grabs the phone, punches the end call button, and tosses the phone away. She hugs me as I cry onto her shoulder.

“Ssshh, it’s okay, everything is alright, it’s going to be alright,” Elena says. She rubs my back and waits for the tears to end. I sniffle and try to catch my breath, hiccupping on all the congestion.

“Want to try calling more people next?” Elena says.

I hiccup and choke on a little laugh, “n-no, that wasn’t fun.”

“Okay, get off me then.” Elena pushes me away and straightens her dress. I laugh a little and wipe my tears.

“Thank you,” I say.

“Of course. It’s just too hot to cry or hold you,” Elena says.

“Right.” Her eyes are a little misty, but I don’t point it out.

“I hope I didn’t overstep my bounds by talking to Carole for you,” Elena says.

“No, thank you. I’m glad you clarified. But did she say anything back to you?”

Elena shrugs. She scoots closer to the floor fan. “She told me she will call you later in the week, and maybe more to see if you need anything. She said she’d be in touch, but she doesn’t know what she’s going to do.”

“She’s going to call me?”

“It sounds like it,” Elena answers. I sniffle again. More tears prick my eyes.

“That’s almost worse,” I say, my voice croaks and strains. “I don’t want to hope for her help.”

What, should I sit here and wait for her to only tell me again how she really doesn’t want to see me? I don’t want to see her either at this point, but I thought she might understand a little about how scared and alone I feel right now. She’s lucky, she got to forget about me and go back to my father. But, just maybe I’ll get a little best friend out of this, my own child who will never have to experience what either of us went through.

Elena gets up and stretches. She shakes her arms as if she can beat away the heat.

“I have an idea,” she says. “How about, you go clean up, cool off with a nice cold shower, and I’ll go buy us some more ice cream. How does Ben & Jerry’s sound?”

“I always want some Ben & Jerry’s,” I whisper, trying not to disturb my gathering tears. Elena smiles. She gives me a thumbs up.

“Alright! I’ll be back, you chill out,” Elena says. She kicks on some sandals, grabs her purse, and jangles her keys.

“Do you need anything else while I’m out?”

“No thank you, be safe,” I say. Elena says alright and heads out. The door slams closed behind her. The lock jiggles shut, and she is gone. I shift and peel myself off up the floor. I place myself in front of our fan and let the stiff air push and bend around my frame. My stomach is warm as if I’ve strapped a heating pad around my middle. It’s everything but soothing.

After a few moments, I collect myself, grab my shower caddy, flip-flops, and wander out to the shower with my shirt pulled down.

Elena:

The convenient store’s door dings as I exit back into the muggy air of the street. I put my sunglasses on to block out the shining spotlights of reflections from chrome, passing trucks, and the burn of the white sidewalk. I moan and begin to head back to the dorms with a bag of rapidly melting Ben and Jerry’s chocolate swirl and a cherry and chocolate pints.

“Hey, Julie!” Sean appears from behind a group of people and comes over to say hi. Sweat clusters and drips down the side of his face, and his cheeks are bright red under the sunlight’s harsh glare.

“Sean,” I call out, “why are you out here in this awful heat?” I ask. “Are you inventing new sunblock?”

“Hah—good idea. But no. I have some new ideas for packing that I can tell you about.”

“Maybe another time, on a much cooler day,” I say. Sean nods but he doesn’t smile as he normally does. Above his sunglasses, his brows are furrowed, and he is maintaining a flat expression, only a few degrees above a frown. He’s mopey.

“What are you doing out and about?” I ask. I guess the ice cream can withstand five minutes of conversation. I don’t want to look like I’m trying to rush away.

“I needed some air—even if it’s muggy and scorching.”

“Is the loft getting’ a little lonely during the summertime?”

“How’s Julie doing? I miss her,” Sean says, interrupting.

“She’s doing alright the last I heard.”

“Meghan told me last move out day that Julie’s sharing a dorm with you over the summer. What is she doing in the city still?”

I tell myself to remember to find Meghan’s phone number, and to make her swear to keep her mouth shut. “What?” I say, “oh, her stuff is here? Why? How come?”

Sean gets a little bit closer to me. I move my ice cream bag back so it doesn’t drip condensation on his shoes. “She should really let Ben talk to her. He’s losing his mind,” Sean whispers.

“Well, she’s just a phone call away,” I say.

“That’s not what I mean,” Sean says.

I cross my arms and arch an eyebrow. “What do you mean, Sean?”

“Ben is still in New York City. He never went home to California.”

“What.”

“He’s still at the loft. I mean, I’m not complaining, I’m glad he could stay and help with the rent. I didn’t want to pay it all by myself during these few months if you know what I mean.”

Both Ben and Julie are still in the city. Now I hide my ice cream behind me. Will he notice and think I’m buying two pints for Julie and me? Uh-oh.

“I didn’t know he was still here,” I say.

“He wants to see Julie.”

“Julie’s at home.”

“Elena, please.”

“What could that cheating bastard want with Julie? He didn’t learn his lesson the first time.”

“But he needs to explain—”

“No. How is Ben these days? Is he wasted, unshaven, and miserable?” I ask.

“Yes. Wait—are you going to tell that to Julie?”

“No. That was only for my entertainment,” I say with a smile. “I hope you are doing okay though Sean, I have to get going.”

“But—”

“Sean, I think you should go inside too before you melt. I’ll see ya’ later.” I say bye and duck away before he can argue. But my feet stumble to a stop on the cracked sidewalk. I turn back and call to Sean, “Julie misses you too Sean! She reads your post-its all the time at home!”

Sean’s misery breaks into a small toothy smile. He grins and waves a salute.

“Bye Elena, thank you.”

Chapter 11

Julie:

“Julie! Honey, come in!”

            The front door to my childhood home opened, and my parents stand in the doorway. I’m standing a few steps down the stoop with my guitar and overnight bag packed. They exclaim and reach out their hands to take my bag off my shoulder, my guitar case out of my hand. They beckon me inside, their faces open with smiles so wide that their eyes squint under their crowfeet and aging skin. 

I shift from foot to foot. Their extended arms and approaching tight hugs make me a little nervous as I wonder how this evening will go. After they relieve me of my bags, my hand lifts to rest on my stomach out of habit and I try to stand straight despite the burning complaints of my hips and lower back. Mom hugs me, her spindly arms from her days spent in front of the TV following along to her exercise DVDs wrap around my neck. She lets go of me and stands back, her eyes a little wide. I’m sweating, wearing a baggy hoody in August. My other hand grips my back to support what strength I have left to stand here.

“Hi mom, hi dad,” I say with a tight smile. My lips and cheeks tremble as I try to hold my composure. I’ve come home just for the night to see my adoptive parents.

Mom pushes dad back into the house, telling him to put my bags in my room. He departs. She looks tired as she reaches out and guides me by my shoulders into the house with an “Oh, honey.” Her whisper holds a thousand sounds. I hear a lilt of wonder and confusion dancing with what ifs. There is a breath of worry and a little pulling strain of protectiveness.

Down the entrance hallway and into the family room, mom leads me to the couch and has me take a seat. She disappears for a minute and I hear the sink in the kitchen turn on with a splash as she gets me a glass of water. Dad sings to himself as his footsteps rumble from upstairs. his voice gets louder as he approaches the top of the stairs.

In the little living room, I’m surrounded by familiar yet strange comforts. I’ve barely spent any time at home once I discovered my biological mother. Something about that truth shifted the life I had here, it cast a shadow over it all. At my father’s desk, I wonder what it would be like if Carole was sitting there, working on her papers for work. I wonder what my real father would look like as he set the table for dinner.

But, in the household I grew up in, there is warmth in the mantle covered in pictures of our smiling faces. Messy finger paintings I made as a kid are still embarrassingly decorating the empty wall by the front door. If you went in the kitchen, you’d see my report cards and recital pictures stuck to the fridge. My eyes burn a little. I sniffle and wipe them, look up and blink to keep the tears back. I sink into the couch, hugged by the abundance of pillows.

Mom comes back in with my glass of water as Dad comes downstairs. She hands me the glass, cold and wet in my hands. She sits down next to me and Dad plops into his lazy-boy. Self-conscious, I flap out my sweatshirt and turn the glass in my hands.

“Julie—how has your summer been going? It must be so hot in those dorms,” Dad asks. He’s always been good at conversation. Dad is one of those guys who could keep you entertained for hours listing the new music that’s come out or what the weather looked like when he was out to work that day.

“It’s hot,” I say. I chirp a nervous laugh. What a miserably hot dorm. “Elena and I can’t seem to fit enough fans in the room.”

“How’s Elena’s internship going?”

“It’s going well,” I answer. I don’t explain. I can’t really think straight as I feel the heat from my body bearing all the scary realities down on me.

“Drink some water,” Mom says. She hands me a coaster to set it down on the side table after I take a sip. She scoots closer and puts her hand on my leg.

“Honey, are you alright?” she asks. Mom is never one to avoid the obvious. And how obvious I must look.

“I—no, I guess I’m not,” I say. Both parents lean forward. Dad uncrosses his legs and puts his elbows on his knees.

“School starts up next week. I’m terrified,” I say.

“Are you worried about classes?”

“I guess.”

“Are your friends being nice?”

I hiccup and sniffle, “Of course.”

“You can tell us Julie. We are here for you always,” Mom says. One look at me and she already knows. Just how everyone at school will know when I appear outside on campus for the first time since my pregnancy began. But something about Mom knowing makes this a little easier to say. I better admit it because it’ll be easier telling her than anyone else.

“Mom, Dad—I’m pregnant,” I say.

Mom’s hand tightens on my knee. Dad—previously oblivious—tips forward and the color drains from his face before he catches himself.

“What?” he manages to say.

“I’ve been pregnant since around April,” I say. “I’m sorry.” The tears come and begin to leak. Mom’s worried face swims before my eyes.

“Oh—Julie, Julie look at me—are you okay? Did something happen to you, did someone do this to you?” She pulls me into her arms.

“No, it was an accident,” I answer, my voice spluttering through my tears. “But it’s just me, and I’m so worried!”

We sit like that for a while. Dad comes over and sits on the other side of me, his hand—shaking—on my shoulder in support. Mom lets me cry until no more tears can come. Slowly, bit by bit, I begin to fill them in on what happened last spring and why I stayed away all summer.

“It doesn’t feel real,” I admit. “I couldn’t bring myself to leave my room or let anyone know because I’m scared of him knowing. Of anyone who doesn’t already know. Also, I didn’t want to disappoint you both. You’ve done so much for me and this is how I repay you?” I exclaim. My voice twists into a cry and whine.

“You could do nothing to disappoint us,” Mom says. “Julie, you are and always are our daughter—I’m just worried that you’re hurting. I’m worried that you can get hurt—I’m scared if you’ll be alright with the pregnancy to begin with.”

“We’ve got you kiddo. If you need to move back home—anything—you can do that,” Dad says. He still hasn’t gained his color back, but his hand is shaking less as it grips my shoulder.

“Thank you,” I say. I collapse against the couch and heave a sigh. I can’t believe I told someone. But, despite the fear and rejection, or anger I was scared of, I wasn’t prepared for immediate acceptance and support. My mind flits back to when Elena and Felicity found out with me in the dorm’s bathroom. How they gripped and held me as I panicked and cried.

“How are you going to handle school?” Dad asks. I swallow around the lump in my throat. Before I left today, Elena and I had been arguing all week about my wanting to drop out. How can I face an unexpected pregnancy and a new school year at once? I wanted to run. But she told me,

“Don’t let your journey get messed up. You came here for a reason, finish it. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.”  I repeat this to my parents. They smile and look relieved.

“When is the baby due?”

“December, I think,” I answer. That feels like a lifetime away.

“Well, you’ll have the best babysitters right here whenever you need us.”

“Thank you. But I don’t know if I’d want the baby out of my site. It just seems, lonely, you know? I don’t want her—him—to not know where their mom is. It’s not something I want them to ever wonder,” I say, trying to explain my tangled emotions and thoughts.

“I understand. But maybe we can help during exam weeks then,” Mom offers.

“That would be a good idea.”

“Honey, we haven’t really talked in a while. What happened to Ben? Are you still together? Does he know that your pregnant?” Mom asks.

Just the mention of Ben makes me feel like there is glass in my throat. I don’t know how to say the words out loud. I swallow and cough a little before I try to answer and deflect. “No. I hate what happened, but I try to think every day: what do I need to eat. What should I read or what can I do for the baby? I need to stay calm, I need to breathe, a lot.”

Ben:

A single beam of sunlight peeks through the darkness of my room. In the golden ray, entire clumps, and pieces of dust swirl in circles, reflecting in the light. I cough. Deep in my chest, sticky phlegm rattles and pulls at my throat. I cough again and spit in the direction of a hankie laying out of reach. My throat is raw, aching for another beer as my eyes sink into my head, and my lips crack and bleed from dehydration.

I drag my fingers across my beard, my skin burning as the untamed irritant is disturbed. Small hairs, more dust, and flakes lift into the light above me. My eyes tear up and I squint to blink away the invasive light. I moan and turn around, my stomach churning as if I drank rat poison. But a mix of Coors Light and cheap Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey did the trick. If I so much as taste a cinnamon jellybeans or even a tic-tac ever again, I’ll puke.

The loft door opens and closes. Plastic bags rattle and I hear Sean hang his room keys on the wall with a piercing clack.

“Ben?” Sean calls. “Ben, are you here?”

I groan and hold my hands to my head. “Where else would I be?” I grumble.

“Ah, of course. Great. Do you want some hangover cure?”

“No.”

“I think I got it right this time—”

“Absolutely not,” I croak.

Footsteps. My bedroom door opens, and the blazing light comes in with it. I growl and reach over the side of the bed to pick up a shirt from the floor to cover my face. But it reeks, so I leave it alone.

“What do you want?” I ask. Sean shrugs and leans against the door frame, his hand over his nose.

“You have to get out of here, man.” 

“And do what?” I ask.

“Um, take a shower? I vote for that first.”

“No.”

“Well, you might want to. I think I discovered something you’d care about. Since you’re in New York and all?”

“What? Why does it matter?”

“Elena told me around midsummer that Julie was living at home. But, for the umpteenth time, I’ve caught Elena buying multiple cartons of Ben & Jerry’s at once from the convenient.”

“So? Sean, you told me this weeks ago.”

“But this time is different. Come one, Elena’s a thin girl. All that ice cream? What do you think is going on?”

“I don’t know Sean. Nothing.”

“I saw Julie at the dorms today. She was leaving to get in a taxi early in the morning. I think she’s been here the whole time!” Sean exclaims.

Julie. My chest burns like dripping acid, at the thought. My heart is a toxic metal that has hardened and slowly drips to erode my ribs, my stomach, and liver. I turn away from him.

“If she wanted to forgive me, she would have come and see me,” I say.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You didn’t actually cheat on her. Why are you acting like you did?”

“I basically did,” I say. What did I do to stop it, to push Nicole away? I did try, but I could have pushed harder. Maybe I could have called her back, went after J— I shudder and begin to curl up into a ball. My legs, lead by my knees, pull up to my abdomen, shifting and crinkling on my bed’s tangled comforter and sheets. My back flexes and stoops as my shoulders draw inwards and lean towards my center while laying on my side. My arms reach and grasp my legs, tracing to my scratchy ankles as I ball up and try to block out the thoughts leaking into my head, my heart, and my very blood.  Every tendon and joint in my body pops and crackles in the process. Air and stiffness escapes at my inactivity, my delirium, my fading away.

“You didn’t cheat on her,” Sean repeats from the doorway. I can’t see him anymore. I stare, dazed, off at the dark corner past my bed, the only spot in the room where the darkness remains with the door open. 

“I never deserved her,” I mutter. 

Sean spits a breath of air. I can hear him tap his arms as he crosses them and probably shakes his head too. “No Ben, that’s where you’re wrong,” Sean says. “You did—you used to—deserve her, but now you don’t, not acting like this.”

Chapter 12

Julie:

I’m standing out on the sidewalk in front of my University of New York’s dorm building. It’s nearly eighty-five degrees and it’s only eight in the morning. I wipe the sweat from my brow as I try to stay in the shadow cast from the buildings behind me. The hoodie I am wearing traps all the morning’s boiling heat, plastered against my skin as sweat. I hold my hands over my stomach and try to look natural. Another bead of sweat rolls down my temple and tickles above my ear.

Early taxis and food delivery trucks honk and spit exhaust as they crawl by. The traffic is stuck deep in the swarm of early morning commute. It’s August and the fall semester at school starts tomorrow. That very thought almost sends me into a spiral of panic. But I breathe in and wring my hands as a smile tugs at my lips, parting over my teeth. I need to keep those thoughts out of my head, because today is a day I’ve been looking forward to.

A yellow taxicab pulls up and bumps along the curb in front of me. The breaks squeak a little as the exhaust shudders and the car jerks to a break. Before the car comes to a complete stop, one of the back doors swings open with a pop. Suddenly, Felicity emerges, her hair whipping up to be a wild mane, blowing around her glowing face. Her eyes are red and tears from her excitement well up in her smiling eyes. My own eyes burn at the sight of my best friend. Finally seeing her before me, I feel like I’m looking at a picture or watching a movie. There’s no way this day finally arrived when I can see her again.

“Julie!!” Felicity shouts from the car. She steps away and jumps up onto the sidewalk to run to me with open arms. 

“Felicity!” I laugh and I cry her name as she hurries over and carefully wraps her arms around my neck. She keeps herself away from my baby bump and is careful to not jostle me too much. She squeezes my shoulders and then bounces away, her hands clasping my face as she tries to get a good look at me.

“How are you? Are you doing alright? It’s so good to see your face!” Felicity exclaims. Her words tumble over each other as she rushes to check in on me. Her hazel eyes are wide, her smile nearly breaking over her cheeks. But, her hair, in all its magnificence is a little haggard. There are small rings under her eyes too. She looks exhausted.

“Are you alright?” I counter.

“It was a long flight. I was eager to come back—the trip was great! Noel and I had a great time. I think everyone was trying to come home at the same time as us though. We had a flew delays at the airport. But, speaking of—” she trails off. Noel steps out of the taxi. His hair is ruffled and there is a pink spot on his cheek as if he were sleeping on Felicity’s shoulder during the ride.

“Noel!” I yell. Noel smiles and waves with both arms.

“Julie!! It’s so great to see you!” Noel says. He stoops down to help the taxi driver remove their luggage from the back of the taxi, and then carries it up to drop it on the sidewalk with a thump. He pays the driver, thanks him, and then hurries over to gather me in his arms for a big hug. “Julie! Look at you!” He kisses my cheeks and steps back to take a look at me as Felicity is. “Wow, what a relief,” he says. Felicity laughs.

“Do you know how many postcards you still have coming your way?” Felicity asks.

“She sent you a whole bunch right before we left. I told her to just bring them with us as a gift.”

“But it’s really fun to get them one by one. Right?”

“Really?” I ask. My collection of cards has grown to clutter my dorm wall with over twenty samples of her eloquent writing and Noel’s occasional chicken scratch. 

“I can’t wait to see them,” I say. But, better than cards, I have my real Felicity back.

Noel takes a deep breath. “Ah, that acrid city air. I don’t think I missed that too much, but Berlin was the same in that sense,” Noel says.

“It had a different taste to it though,” Felicity adds. “If pollution could be different between the two.”

“You could say it’s the city’s flavor?” Noel suggests.

“Maybe,” Felicity says.

We stand around and talk a little bit. But, after a while, I notice taxis come and go as a larger crowd begins to congregate and grow on the sidewalk. I wonder how many might be our classmates, and how many will I have to see every day once school begins. As if sensing my apprehension, Felicity looks around. She bites her lip in thought.

“Let’s get inside somewhere,” she says. “I haven’t seen the dorms in a long time.” She takes Noel’s hand, her eyes lingering on my own hands, crossed in front of my stomach. My cheeks warm up a little bit, and my eyes prickle. Their curiosity and worry is almost tangible in their curious glances, but, they try to hide their interest in case anyone around us notices that I might look just a little pregnant.

            “Yeah, let’s go,” I agree. I’ll breath easier once I’m back inside.

Entering the dorm building, the rumble of the many stairwells and elevators coming to life echo through the building. Many students have been moving in all week. Keeping my head down, I walk through the humidity-sticky halls and lead Felicity and Noel up to Elena and I’s dorm room. With the school year beginning, Elena and I were able to keep our dorm room together that we had over the summertime—thank goodness. I was not about to pack and move into a whole other room. For the upcoming year, Felicity kept her room with Meghan and Noel is an RA on the newest freshman floor. Once we arrive, we all pile into my room, crowding into the space cluttered by our many fans. My postcards from Felicity and Noel cover the walls at random intervals, giving a collage-style decoration to the blank walls. 

“I can’t say I won’t miss Berlin, but I am sure glad to be back,” Noel says. He drops his suitcase and lifts his arms to stretch as he enters the dorm room. Felicity stumbles in behind Noel and sits heavily on my bed.

“I could sleep for a week!” she exclaims. “I can’t believe school is starting already. I don’t even remember what classes I’m taking.”

“Yeah,” I say. I mumble. The idea of school is one that could easily drown me in worry. “It’s hard to believe a whole summer has passed.”

“Julie, how are you feeling?” Felicity asks. She puts her hands on her knees. Her eyebrows arch up in worry. I shrug in response.

“I’m alright. Elena has been literally saving my life all summer with convincing me to stay in school. I’ve been plucking away at the guitar a little to pass the time and my adoptive parents say they will help in anyway they can,” I say.

Felicity’s face softens. She smiles. “That’s good,” she says. “How are you coming along? Umm…” she trails off and her voice grows quiet. “I’m not quite sure how to ask someone about their pregnancy,” Felicity admits.

I laugh and tell her I don’t know. “I couldn’t tell you. I haven’t had much practice talking about it either,” I say. My hands are trembling. I clasp them together in an attempt to stop them from shaking. “Do you want to see?” I ask.

Both Felicity and Noel flinch. Their nerves make me smile. I can tell they are trying to not bombard me with questions. They are trying to not make me uncomfortable. But at the same time, no one knows what’s normal in this situation. In the end, curiosity gets the best of us all. When I was talking to my parents, I noticed that the more physical evidence and affirmation I entrusted them with about my pregnancy, the more of a reality it gave them to hold on to. An unexpected pregnancy is already surprising, but this might help them understand or at least picture it.

Before anyone can object, I hook my hands to the hem of my hoodie and pull It over my head. I pull the neck over my chin and shake my arms out of the sleeves. I toss the hoodie to the floor. Underneath, I’m wearing a black tank top and a pair of my pajama shorts. I’m in my second trimester. My stomach looks swollen as if I ate a rather large lunch. Despite everything, I’m glad I am not showing an incredible amount. I pull my shirt up to my navel. Felicity gasps.

“Julie,” she whispers. “I—wow, I still can’t believe it.”

Noel looks pale. His eyes are wide as he reaches out to the bed Felicity is sitting on and he leans against it. He visibly swallows.

“Wow,” Noel says. “That—you really are pregnant. Amazing.” He sits down next to Felicity. His mouth twists and his chin shakes a little bit as his eyes grow misty. Felicity gets up and comes over to me.

“I, Julie, you’re gonna have a baby,” Felicity says. She is getting emotional too. Tears slip down my cheeks as I watch them both unravel a little in front of me. Felicity slaps her cheeks, trying to get a hold of herself. “I’m sorry—I couldn’t stop thinking about you when we were gone! I’m so glad that you and the baby are alright. I wanted to see you so bad. Does that make sense?”

I roll my shirt back down and nod. I sniffle. “Yeah, that makes sense. I missed you guys too. But you’ll have to tell me all about Berlin—I need to hear about it after spending the whole summer in this dorm room!”

Chapter 13

Julie:

“Next—how may I help you?” the registrar secretary’s voice is strained as I step up to the counter. “Ms. Bedzyk” says the name-placard next to her files. Ms. Bedzyk looks down her nose at me, her bead strung glasses balance on the tip as her lips turn upward.

“I-I’m here to swap some of my classes,” I answer. I place several pink and blue forms onto the counter. They shuffle under her French-tipped nails, a small sound among the many voices and footsteps in the hallway behind me and between the other secretaries and panicked students trying to add a class last minute. I squirm and try to stand non-chalantly as the students and staff in the room move around and past me. Everyone is walking around normally and I don’t know anyone else but I imagine the pressure of their eyes on me, as if trying to see straight through me and realize what has happened to Julie Emrick—the pregnant girl on campus.

Ms. Bedzyk picks up the papers and flips through each one slowly. “You would like to drop two courses and exchange them with these ones?” she asks.

“Yes please.”

“You will be able to drop classes until the third week of the semester, but these other courses might already be full—do you understand?” I wonder how many times a day she must repeat these explanations to students. I twist my hands around the straps of my purse.

“Yes. I would like to drop the classes only if there is room to take another instead.”

Before I came to the registrar office, my morning began in the sweltering room that is Elena and I’s dorm. I was in front of the mirror, putting on and taking off so many shirts, tight pants, and skirts, until a pile of clothes grew around my feet. I settled on wearing a pair of jeans—the zipper safety-pinned—and another sweatshirt. Sweat was already pooling at the nape of my neck and down my back. I was twisting my hair back when Elena woke up. Getting out of bed, she almost stepped on Felicity who was sprawled out on the floor where she crashed the night before. It’ll be a few days until she and Noel find an apartment to rent for the year.

“You’re not leaving yet, are you?” Elena asked.

I shrug, judging my rounding cheeks in the mirror. I poke and pinch them with my fingers. “Soon,” I answered.

“Stop that,” Elena came over and swatted my hands away from my face. “You look fine. We can walk you to class—”

“I was thinking,” I interrupted. “I’m going to need to find a job. Have you heard of any openings around here?” Elena began to gather her toiletries to go take a shower and get ready for the day.

“No, but don’t you make money singing at the bar though?”

“I won’t be able to keep that up.”

“What do you mean?”

I sighed and cradled my back with my hands. “No one is going to want to listen to a crooning-hormonal pregnant woman on stage. I won’t torture them,” I said. My career for singing was over as far as I was concerned. The idea felt like I swallowed a cupful of needles, but I knew it was true.

“Julie! How can you say that? Everyone loves you; you do great there,” Elena argued.

“Even if they still enjoyed my music, I can’t bring a baby to the bar.”

“Girl, you are having some silly thoughts right now. You don’t even have to ask; we will help watch what ever kid you have coming. In fact, I’m determined to be the favorite aunt so you will have to let us take it.”

“’It’?”

Elena pointed a toothbrush at me. “You don’t know what it is yet, I can say that.”

“I’m not going to inconvenience you to watch my baby. You’ll have studying and exams to do.”

“Maybe I’ll need a break from all that ‘studying’,” Elena said. She rolled her eyes and laughs. She continued to reassure me that my baby would have many people willing to look after it and cherish it. The idea of my little girl—or boy—in my friends’ arms brought tears to my eyes.

At that point, Felicity rolled over as she woke up. She asked what classes I had and why I wasn’t taking anything pertaining to music.

“Hold on to what you have in your life Julie. You will need that as strength to get through these next couple of months and years. Your dreams aren’t over just yet, I think you need them more than ever now,” Felicity said between a few mumbles and interrupting yawns.

Now at the registrar office a few hours later, I think of what my friends told me that morning and their support. Ms. Bedzyk nods as she flips through a few papers and hands one back to me.

“Music composition I is full; but I can get you a spot in your second choice: craft and technique of poetry. Have you taken the basic writing course?”

“Yes, the freshman level,” I answer.

“Good—the first class starts today at 1:45 pm, you can still get your books at the college bookstore after meeting with the professor.”

I let out a breath I didn’t know I had been holding in. “Thank you,” I say. “Thanks, I’ll go see what I need.” I gather my remaining papers and leave the registrar. I navigate the halls of the University of New York as my heart warms a little. Felicity was right. I’m a musician and I can’t let anything take that away from me. Maybe I’ll get into music next semester but in a poetry writing class, I’ll be able to strengthen my lyric composition.

Back at the dorm, I pick up my bag and notebooks for class. Elena is gone and Felicity has left her blankets folded at the foot of my bed. As I head for the door, my hands are quivering a little as my body aches to go back to bed and not face the outside world of prying eyes and questioning smiles.

My phone rings. With relief, I drop my stuff on the floor and hurry over to pick up the receiver.

“Hello?”

“Hi—Julie? It’s Carol.” My birth mother’s voice crackles over the line. Ugh. I drop the phone to my chest and moan. What could she want now? After a second, I swallow any remarks and put the phone back to my ear.

“Hi Carol,” I say slowly.

“I know you don’t want to hear from me,” she says.

“You made that clear yourself the last time we talked,” I answer.

“I know. I—I don’t want to leave things like that.”

The last time we talked it was agreed we would stay out of each other’s lives. “I asked you for help and you turned me down. Why would I have anything else to say to you?” I ask. “What, are you only calling me because you need something from me? I won’t believe you if you say you have suddenly decided to feel guilty after all these years. Is someone dying? Do you need my liver or something? What could you possibly want?”

The line is quiet.

“I’m hanging up,” I say.

“Wait! Julie, give me a chance, I know what I’ve done and said to you has always been selfish and wrong. I know I’ve done wrong but I’m reaching out to you now. Please let me say something.”

“So, someone is dying.”

“No! Julie, I don’t want to make the same mistake I made with you.”

“You abandoned me and turned me away.”

“I know. But I want to do what you originally asked of me, I don’t want you to go through alone what I was so afraid to do. I can’t believe you are keeping the baby—that’s what scared me more than anything when I was your age and I can’t imagine what you are going through right now.”

“I guess we are two very different people, Carol,” I say. My head feels like it’s going to crack with the sudden stress she has dumped on my shoulders.

“I don’t want to make that mistake again. I want to know my grandchild, and I want her to know me,” Carol says. She talks fast, almost as if she doesn’t fully believe what she is telling me yet either.

“Really?” I ask. How could this woman have an ounce of realized guilt? I pinch the bridge of my nose and take a moment to breathe. “I don’t know if I believe you. But, if we were going to do this, what are you thinking? What is your image for this?”

Carol’s breath whooshes over the line, it crackles again. She sighs. “Would you like to come over for dinner? I would like you to meet the family. I want you to meet your father—as you should have last year.”

“W-when?” my voice cracks a little as I’m hearing the words I wanted to hear so long ago.

“How does this Friday sound?” Carol asks. “Do you have any favorite foods?”

I shift the phone to my shoulder and lean my hip on my bedside. I’m tiring from standing for so long. “Today is my first day of classes. I’m a little busy.”

“Oh, how about next Friday then?”

“Call me next Friday, after you’ve told my dad about me and then we can pick a date. I don’t want this to be a show or too dramatic. Tell him before he meets me.”

“Okay,” Carol says. Her voice is quiet now with thought. “Yes, I’ll do that. I’ll call you then.”

“Alright. I have to go to class,” I say.

“Have a good first day.”

“Thanks.”

The receiver clicks with a thump when I set it down. The phone call ends. At that moment, the dorm room feels tinier, every breath I take is a little heavier. I give myself two choices as I begin to digest the call and what Carol wants. Either, I can sit down on my bed and let this take me down for the day as I wrestle with can I be excited, or my anger and expectations of her lies. Or, I can take a deep breath, pick up my bag and head back outside and face my first day of classes. Face all the people, the prying eyes, and the continuous August city heat. I’ll walk outside and go find my poetry class, I’ll take the first step to my future and what I want to do. Something that is in my control at least, unlike everything else.

Yes. I carefully bend down to pick up my bag, hitch it over my shoulder, and go out. Downstairs and outside on the sidewalk, I make my way to the center of campus, cutting through a courtyard underneath the Doric column accented buildings and the modern skyscrapers around the university that reach into the bright blue sky. The first few fallen leaves, casualties of the late summer heat, kick up at my feet. The sidewalk is like a road, the students passing are a scramble of rolling cars and taxi cabs. The voices around me are unintelligible as beeps, and cluster like a car rushing by with music pouring out of the open windows. The snatches of conversations appear and then are torn away by distance.

Sweating underneath my hoodie, I hold my bag in front of me and keep my head down as I pass through the traffic. A pair of worn out sneakers appear in my line of sight, stepping near my feet and crossing my path. I stumble to a stop and look up, the sun glares in my eye.

Ben Covington steps into my way to obstruct my path. His wide shoulders and frame block me from continuing to class, efficiently removing me from the passing crowd.

“Julie?”

Chapter 14

Julie:

“Julie?”

Ben Covington appears and steps in front of me. I crane my neck and squint in the midday sunlight to look up at his face. His eyes are a little red and puffy from a lack of sleep. His jaw and cheeks are patchy and unshaven, and the bags under his eyes make his squint even harder to see, even though his eyes are wide open, looking right at me. His mouth hangs open in that way where he wants to say something or his thoughts are all so tumbled and tangled, no words will ever come. But, the sight of his lips, I can only imagine that slut Nicole writhing around him, pressing her cherry-red lips to his and taking him away from me. I wonder if his eyes lingered on her or if the room was too dark to see when he decided to cheat on me. An angry flush raises in my cheeks. I look askance and focus my eyes on his forehead to avoid his hazel eyes.

“B-Ben,” I say.

His posture relaxes a little, he slips his large hands into the back pockets of his cut of jeans, slinging his thumbs into the fabric. Despite the heat, he’s wearing the beanie he always wears when playing basketball, probably in an attempt to hide his bed hair from the pieces I can see sticking out at different angles.

Ben’s mouth closes and his lips screw together, twisting to form some semblance of speech.

“Julie, how’ve you been?” he asks.

“I—I,” I stumble and trip over my tongue. I release one of my hands from my white knuckled grip on my bag and scratch my neck with a nervous laugh. All I can see are two warring images in my mind. One is with warmth and a little excitement to see Ben, the man who loved me and who I spent so many nights up in the loft with and enjoyed many happy moments over breakfast. The other, my sight of him darkens into this cold and betraying boy who abandoned me, who cheated on me, who never—tears begin to burn and irritate the back of my throat, the roof of my mouth.

“I’m going to go,” I say. I duck my chin onto my backpack and go to rush past him, unable to handle the moment. But, instead of standing still, unsure of what to do—as I expect of him—Ben suddenly jumps forward and grabs my arm. His hand traces down to my wrist, pulling my arm towards him, where he holds on firmly. The warmth of his palm and fingers on my skin, right below the rolled-up sleeve of my hoodie sends chills across my body. Ben startles and lets go, taking a step back from me, as if surprised by his action too. I look down at my feet and then back at him. I take a big breath through my mouth and try to keep my expression from crumpling into any telling emotion.

“I can’t do this,” I say. I walk away from Ben. I leave him standing there in the traffic of students and nameless bodies. Once I’m out of sight, I run.

I’m sitting on my bed in only a tank top and my underwear, hugging a pillow, when Elena and Felicity come back from class. Their chattering falls short when they see me.

“Julie? What happened to class?” Elena asks. Felicity’s forehead wrinkles in concern.

“I tried to go. I got halfway there,”

“What happened?”

“I switched my classes and was able to sign up for that poetry class for song writing. I’m walking to class thinking that things might be alright, and I run straight into Ben.”

“Please tell me you didn’t actually run into him,” Elena says.

“No, but practically. He stepped right in front of me.”

“Ugh, I wish I was there with you!” Elena exclaims. “I would have given him a piece of my mind.”

Felicity takes a seat at the foot of my bed. “Did he say anything to you?” she asks.

“No, he just said my name and stared at me,” I say. “I mean, I couldn’t say anything either—I just panicked.”

            “Well, sometimes Ben has a hard time talking about his feelings. He gets all quiet and the moment seems to pass,” Felicity says.

“Yeah, that’s what I’m taking advantage of. He’s all wishy-washy, I got out of there before he could say anything.”

“You didn’t talk to him?”

            “I couldn’t do it. I ran away.”

Felicity and Elena are silent. I put my pillow down and spread my arms in exaggeration.

“How could I talk to him? One look at him and I can see Nicole all over him,” I explain. My eyes burn and my throat gets thick at admitting my concerns.

“I get it girl, that’s terrible,” Elena says.

“I definitely would have done he same thing,” Felicity chimes in. Elena laughs.

“Felicity, you have a knack for expressing yourself when people are uncomfortable. You would have made a scene in the middle of the campus,” Elena says. “You would have said ‘Oh, Ben! We need to talk, why did you—’ and go on like that for all the public to see.”

“Well—I guess your right,” Felicity says with a small smile. “But Julie, if you are not ready to talk to him or if you do not want to talk to him at all, I’m glad you were able to avoid it. There’s no reason to force extra stress on yourself with Ben right now. You have enough to worry about.”

I shrug and lean back against the wall with a sigh. “Thanks guys, I just really do not want to see him again. I don’t want to face it, and above all, I don’t know what to do.”

Knock—someone knocks at the dorm door.

“Who is it?” Elena calls out.

“That might be Noel, I wonder if he is done with class already?” Felicity says. She hops off the bed and bends down to get her books. I pick up the pillow I had dropped earlier and hug it back over my stomach.

“It’s Ben,” he says from the other side of the door.

Felicity and Elena both look at me.

“Shit!” I whisper.

“Wait just a minute!” Elena yells back. She leaps to grab my sweater and throws it at me. I snatch it and pull it over my head.

“What are you going to do?” Felicity asks in a hurried whisper.

“I don’t know, do I talk to him? Do I really have to do this right now?” I ask urgently.

“Julie,” Felicity says. She hurries to my side to whisper. “If Ben has come out of his way to see you—which is very unlike him—I think you might want to try to listen.”

“But don’t be afraid to put him in his place either,” Elena says.

I nod as they both reach out to touch my shoulder or squeeze my hands. They assure me they will be right outside and wish me luck. I feel numb as they walk to the door. I feel as if these invisible hands are closing their fingers around my neck and there is no way out.

Ben:

“It’s Ben,” I say. A rush of movement and hushed whispers scuttle behind the door.

“Wait just a minute!” Elena yells from inside. I put my hands in my pockets and look at my feet as I kick the carpet and try to take a breath without shaking.

After I saw Julie earlier, I had made a B-line back to the loft and back into bed. Sean found me hours later and dragged me to the kitchen to see what went wrong. I slouched with my elbows on the counter, glaring at the ice cream he is polishing off.

“So, your telling me, you actually saw Julie. You stopped Julie, and you tried to talk to Julie—but you didn’t say anything?!” Sean had a spoon of ice cream halfway between his mouth and the sweating pint in his hands. Little drips splattered the counter when he shook his spoon at me. “Ben!” Sean exclaimed in disbelief. “You have to say something, man! And you should have gone to class too, do you know how hard it was to get you out of bed this morning? You. Were. Almost. There.”

“How could I know what to say to her? I wasn’t expecting to see her,” I say. I raked my hands through my hair and sink lower to the countertop.

“You weren’t expecting? I don’t care how many thousands of students go here or all the people in New York—of course you would see her.”

“I didn’t know what to do.”

Sean put the ice cream down. He wiped his hands on a towel and then spread them with a look that says “duh!”

“Maybe you should have said, ‘Hi Julie, remember me? I didn’t cheat on you! It was a misunderstanding!” he exclaimed. “It’s not rocket science, bud.”

What stopped me when I saw Julie earlier was not only the surprise at seeing her again and not knowing how to handle it, it was her reaction. She was angry, that’s to be expected, but in her eyes, the anger gave away to wide-eyed fear. She looked so little and scared in that moment. My fingers curl into fists at the thought, what did she think I was going to do to her? I told Sean I don’t know what is wrong, anger is what I expected but what is so wrong that there is fear between us? What is she afraid of? In my idleness, in letting things go sour between us, what have I done?

Without too much demanding from Sean, I came to see Julie and figure this out once and for all. I can’t live with the fear I saw in her eyes today and I already know I won’t get a wink of sleep with the vision of her face on my mind.

The dorm door opens to reveal both Elena and Felicity. The pretend to look surprised, gasping and saying, “oh—Ben! How have you been?” Without opening the door more than having enough room to squeeze out of, they join me in the hall and shut the door behind themselves.

“We were just about to head out, what’s up?” Elena asks.

“T-to go to the library. Do you want to come? We already have lots of homework,” Felicity says. Her voice slows down as she picks her way over the obvious lie.

“Is Julie here?” I ask.

Elena and Julie look at each other. Felicity bites her lip. “Yeah, why?”

“I need to talk to her,” I say.

“About what?” Elena asks.

“Can I go in?”

Elena’s brows furrow and she fixes me with a frown. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Bye Ben, I hope you had a good summer,” Felicity adds. She wrings her hands.

“Uh, yeah—you too.”

Once they leave and head over to the elevator, I knock on the dorm door before letting myself in. The dorm is a little smaller than Felicity and Meghan’s last year. Two twin beds sit on the opposite walls and the mirrors and walls are decorated with taped up postcards and letters. Several fans sit oscillating in the stale air. But, above it all, Julie is perched on her bed wearing a sweater too warm for this weather and with a pillow in her lap. She looks up from her twisting fingers and winces as I come into the room.

“Can I come in?” I ask.

“Sure, come in,” she says. Her voice is tiny, breathless.

I shut the door closed behind me and take a seat on Elena’s bed. I try to look as unimposing as possible, but her eyes follow my every moment, that shadow of fear and concern traces her every feature.

Chapter 15

Ben:

Julie and I sit in silence for a moment. I struggle to gather my thoughts against the wave of emotions and surprise at finally seeing her again—without her running away from me. She is sitting up with her body curled around the pillow in her arms. She is wearing only a purple sweater and her bare legs are tucked up in front of her. In this moment, she looks so much like a little girl hugging a comfort in the face of the aftermath of a frightening dream.

“Julie,” I trail off, and grind to a halt. She won’t’ even look at me. “Um, did you make it to class today?” I ask, trying to begin a semblance of conversation.

She shakes her head.

“Hah—me neither. The first day is overrated, they never tell us much until later in the week anyways.”

Silence. I’m not sure what I want to tell her today, all I know is her obvious pain and avoidance is worse than any screaming or angry tears could be. I shift and put my hands in my lap, my chest and limbs feel hollow and heavy. Julie picks at the corner of her pillow.

“Julie, uh, can you look at me please? I have something I want to tell you, but I can’t if you won’t talk to me,” I say. Julie’s finger pauses, her nail scrapes to a stop on the pillow’s frayed edge. She sighs and sits up a little, still hugging the pillow to her chest, but she looks up at me with those bright almond eyes.

“Jul—”

“How can I even look at you?” Julie asks. Her voice is soft, hiccupping over the vowels as she sounds like she is on the verge of tears. Despite the mood, hearing her voice finally awakens something deep within me—a cry for her presence, her warmth and love again. I clench my hands together and beg myself to stay still, to give her space even though every part of me yearns to go comfort her and beg for her to forgive me.

“I—well I’d like to talk to you,” I say, trying to move the conversation forward.

“No,” Julie says. “I don’t want to ever look at you Ben because every time I do, I see that skank all over you—and that’s something I don’t want my eyes to see,” she whispers. Julie’s voice trails off to a mumble as she sucks in a breath and clamps her mouth shut. She looks at her knees and struggles to stay still.

I get to my feet. “Julie, I never cheated on you. And I would never do anything to purposefully hurt you. Nicole snuck into the loft that day when I wasn’t home and surprised me right before you walked in. I was pushing her away as you entered.” I reach out to her, but she flinches away and keeps her distance.

“I don’t believe you. If you didn’t cheat, why would you stay away for so long if you weren’t guilty for being with her?”

“Because I didn’t know what to do! Okay?!”

“How could you not know what to do?? You could have told me—you could have stopped me, but you’ve left me here all alone to deal with everything myself!”

“To deal with ‘everything’? Julie, you could have come to me too—I didn’t even think you were in New York City this summer. No one did.”

“You left me all alone and left me thinking you cheated on me. Ben, you know how much I depended on you—how much I liked you—and you just let me live like that—you tossed me aside after all we were. Were you tired of me? Were you looking for a way out of our relationship, so you just let it die like that?” Tears spring up into her eyes, gold in the light. Julie drags her arm across her face and fixes me with a scowl. “You left me all alone Ben Covington—you broke my heart and then you abandoned me. If you ask me, I don’t believe you, and I don’t want to, because why would you leave me all alone?”

The words I fear most I hate you tremble unsaid in the air between us as Julie cries and twists her hands. Her words push me away, her emotions pull me in as every fiber of my body has the urge to go over to her and make everything better.

“You could have called me, even if I were not in New York City, you could have called—you could have tried. But you just left me all alone, like every always does to me. Am I that forgettable? Am I that unlovable? I want to say I hate you—but I don’t even have enough energy beyond the misery you have left me in.”

Something within me stings, and I finally crumple at her words. I get off the bed I am sitting on and go to her. “I am so sorry. You may hate me, but I love you Julie Emrick. A single moment didn’t pass when I didn’t wish I were with you.”

Julie’s eyes get really big and the tears run. She crumples against her pillow and lets out a soft whine. Gently, I crawl up onto the bed and pull her to me. She doesn’t resist. She shakes and digs her hands against my chest as words fail with every hitching breath and burning tear.

“I thought, when you left so quickly with no questions asked, that you didn’t love or even want to be with me. I’ve always known I was so lucky to be with you and I haven’t deserved a minute of it—I thought my luck had come to an end and you were gone,” I say.

I feel naked and bare admitting to this. But Julie doesn’t move away or say a word. She focuses on the pillow on her abdomen, a physical reminder of our distance and now estranged feelings. Weightless, she feels like a child in my arms as her tears soak into my shirt.

“Ben?” Julie sits up and turns to look me in the eye. I sit back a little and rub my face, my hands come away damp.

“Yes?” I whisper. I hold my breath, worried that too much reaction or excitement at hearing her speak directly to me would scare her away. I count my heartbeats, blurring together in this heady movement.

“I don’t want to get back together.”

“W-what?”

Julie pulls her pillow closer and scoots back. “Even if I believe you didn’t cheat on me—”

“—you don’t believe me?” I ask.

“I mean, I guess I do. It’s just, months have passed since then. It’s already August and I spent so much time on my own, doing my own thing and thinking you had cheated on me—it became my reality. It’s going to take me a while to step back and sort out my thoughts. I don’t know where to begin, but I don’t want to start right away either.”

“But I want to be with you Julie. I am here now telling you I am here for you,” I say. I feel my expression caving in, the darkness that has lived in my chest for so many months flexes and begins to reach throughout my body again.

“I don’t think you are. If you really wanted to be there for me Ben, you would have come and made things right before the summer even began. It’s our sophomore year too, this is when we are supposed to start planning our lives out, right? I want to focus on me—I don’t want to be an afterthought.”

Julie sits a little straighter and she bites her lip as if holding back more. I slide off the bed and stand up. “Did you let our relationship go away out of convenience?” I ask. The words are heavy in my mouth.

Julie shakes her head and looks down at her pillow-filled lap. “No, but I think you did to avoid the effort.”

Julie:

Ben leaves without a word. As usual, his silence gets the best of him and he doesn’t express himself. Except, I love you Julie Emrick, echoes in my ears. How could he say that? If he really loved me, he wouldn’t have let this misunderstanding happen in the first place.

Felicity and Elena come back into the room a few minutes later. They ask a few questions and I just answer them with simple sentences. I wipe my eyes and try not to cry—I have too much to do right now. I get up and get dressed, back in my hoodie and a pair of loose shorts. I take down and retwist my hair into two ponytails.

“If he really wanted to be with me, he would have done what he had to in order to get me back,” I say. Felicity is sitting on my bed and Elena is by the window with the fans.

“That ass,” Elena says. “Men are so lazy; they say what they want but they’d sooner lay on the couch and do nothing.”

“Do you think he means all he said?” Felicity asks. “It sounds like he regrets his actions.”

“Of course he does, he lost the gem that is our Julie,” Elena says. “That boy will be mourning her ‘till the day he dies.”

“Elena!” Felicity says. She elbows her to be quiet.

“It’s alright,” I say from the mirror. “I don’t really care at this point, I’m just glad that conversation is over.”

“Did you talk about—you know.”

“No. I don’t want him to know. Ben’s already shown his lack of commitment. If he can let me walk away thinking something not true, how would he not run away when life gets tough because of the baby?”

“I don’t know,” Felicity says. “We don’t really know how he would react because he has no idea. I know I over think things and I think Ben thinks so little sometimes it’s the same thing. He probably thought you really hated him or didn’t even want to be bothered by the truth.”

“Once again, that’s a lazy assumption on his part,” Elena says.

“I’m not defending him,” Felicity argues. “It’s just the unfortunate way he thinks sometimes. And once he starts feeling sorry for himself, I’m sure that is hard to shake.”

“Oh, yeah! Sean told me over the summer what a mess Ben was. I’m sure he never left his bed,” Elena chimes in.

“Ew, at least we eat ice cream and usually go about our days when we are sad,” Felicity says.

“Says you. I’m the sit in bed type but I’ll still take a shower every once in a while,” Elena says with a shrug.

“How do you think he would react once he finds out? I don’t think I can even keep this a secret.”

“Felicity—you’ve never been good at keeping secrets!” Elena mocks.

“Guys,” I cut in and say. “I don’t want to pull him into this mess.” I check myself in the mirror one more time and pick up my purse. “I’m glad he and no one else knows at the moment, but I know I don’t have long before I’m obviously pregnant to everyone around me. He’s a guy in college who doesn’t know what he’s doing and  I don’t want to ruin what chance he has figuring that out. Surprising him with a baby could take anything he has away from him.”

Elena gets up and grabs her purse too. She’s made it a habit to follow me everywhere if she has no class to go to. Felicity gets up as well.

“So, you’re the only one to receive the baby surprise and burden? That’s messed up,” Elena says. “You can’t let him get away with that.”

I shift my hoodie and tuck my hands in the pockets. I sigh. “It’s better than leaning on someone for support and they suddenly disappear. That’s the kind of surprise I don’t want to have anymore.”

Felicity comes over and loops her arms around mine. “Where are we going?” she asks.

“I want to find my poetry professor,” I say. “I should go see what I missed today.”

Chapter 16

Ben:

The echoes of a basketball echo hollowly in the late evening hours. A mist and visible smog has settled over the city like a gray shroud, reflecting in the cold streetlights. The fall evenings have a chill, threatening ice in the empty hours. Sean stands with his hands laced in the chain-links of the fence surrounding the basketball court. He checks his watch.

The ball spins, grating against my palms, as I move back and forth before the hoop. I slam it into the ground, catch it, and bend my knees-launching the ball to slam against the backboard, and ricochet towards an alley wall. I grit my teeth with a curse and chase after the rebound.  Two other players, local guys, scatter and put up a defense as I come back to the three-point line.

“Ben, it’s nearly 1:00 AM—I’m sure the residents don’t want to hear a basketball bouncing in their dreams. You need to come home at some point!” Sean yells from the fence. I take another shot. One guy catches the rebound in his long fingers, and he spins to take a jump shot. On the way down, the ball falls and knocks over one of our beers on the sideline. The swill trickles over the asphalt.

“I’m not going to go anywhere Sean,” I say.

“Were classes that bad today? I’m glad to see you out and about but you have to try to make tomorrow—staying up all night won’t help,” Sean says. I accept a pass and take another shot. Miss.

“You know I didn’t go to class today! Don’t make up conversations!”

“Then things didn’t work out with Julie? I know you don’t want me to ask you about it, but I will if you behave like this.”

“Fuck! She doesn’t want me back—there, I told you!” I yell. At my outburst, the guys I’m playing with catch the ball and my voice echoes in silence.

“Dude,” one guy says. “At least your girl dumped you—take it as a freedom. Mine got knocked up by some guy on the baseball team and she’s trying to tell me it’s mine. Like, what the hell?”

“When I cheat, at least I don’t get anyone preggo,” the other guy says. He knocks his fist into my shoulder. “At least my girls keep at my heels. Why cry about one you’ve hardly had?”

At his words, my fists ball up and I nearly see red in my rage. I launch myself at the guy and he drops the basketball as he stumbles back with a stupid grin. Suddenly, Sean is at my side, pulling me back.

“All right tiger, let’s go home.” Sean says, “Hey fuckface—here’s your ball.” He kicks the basketball, and it rolls to knock over the last of the beer cans.  Sean keeps a firm grip on my collar as we walk away from the courts. Once we are around the corner, out of sight and hearing, he lets go.

“I guess you don’t have to go to class tomorrow if you don’t want to, but I think it might be a good distraction. I don’t want to see you back in your bed again.” Sean’s voice is earnest, and a little pleading with the idea. I shake myself and take off my hat to run my hands through my hair. I sigh.

“I just want her back Sean. Why can’t I have her back?”

Felicity:

Elena, Julie, and I are on the floor of their dorm chatting, when Noel comes flying through the door with a bunch of flyers in his arms.

“Ladies! Your man has returned with some wonderful news!” Noel exclaims.

“Whose man?” Elena asks with a laugh. Noel tosses his papers in the air, letting them rain down around us. I laugh and try to catch a few. Elena yells about the mess he is making and Julie jumps, her hands clasp her stomach and her smile spreads on her rounder cheeks. I haven’t seen Noel this excited since we visited the library and historic square in Berlin.

“Put all your worries aside, I have found us a solution worthy of your highest dreams,” Noel says. I pick up a flyer, an advertisement for apartments. Noel has been gone looking for where we would live, but he seems a little more excited than I thought he would be. I thought a day of apartment hunting in the cut-throat market that is New York City would have left him drained and exhausted.

“Noel, what is going on? Did someone spike your morning coffee?” Elena asks. Noel presents the remaining flyer in his hand with a flourish. “All the other papers, you can throw them away. This one is the winner.” Elena takes the flyer and looks at it. Julie and I lean over her shoulder. The pictures show a four bedroom set up with a kitchen, two full baths, and more. The first thing I notice is the big windows and wood flooring.

“Noel, I thought we were looking for something simple, and within our budget?” I ask. I would settle for a one-room attic if I had too.

“It can be for all of us,” Noel says. “There are plenty of rooms and space. Felicity and I can share a room, and maybe the fourth can be for little baby Emrie.”

“What?!” Elena gasps. “You’re kidding—you know Julie and I already have our room.”

“You can move out and get your housing and board refunded to pay for this apartment instead—you know baby Noel-Noelle can’t live in a student’s dormitory. Think of all the nights crying! Or the nearby parties with pot smoke in the air! She-he can live with the best three aunts and uncles ever.”

“Stop calling the baby different names and genders! You are doing to confuse Julie with all that!” Elena yells. She leans forward and slaps Noel on the arm. He laughs and takes back his flyer, a big smile is on his face.

After the laughter and joking subsides, Julie speaks up. “Wait, are you serious Noel?” she asks. “That’s a lot to ask from you two—I won’t be able to keep up with expenses once the baby is born.”

“It’s alright, that’s why we all are here together—and your combined refunds from the college would help pay for most of it anyways. But, we don’t have to sweat the details, we just have to go turn in the deposit and sign on it. Felicity, are you ready to go?” Noel asks.

“Um, we are signing it together?” I ask.

“Of course!”

I can’t help it, but my heart flutters. I’m signing my first apartment with Noel. To make things better, we all will be living together! “I-I, yeah, yes, let’s go!”

Noel stands up and lends me a hand. “Let’s go get our home.”

“Okay but Noel, you aren’t using giving us a good home collateral against naming the baby something strange, are you? I don’t think I want to name a baby—”

“Hope or Home-Sweet-Home?” Noel says. “I think those are perfect!”

“Noel! Let’s go!” I say. I push him towards the door. “We’ll see you guys later, make sure you go talk to Res-Ed about your housing arrangements!”

Sean:

I’m walking back to the loft when I notice our not-so-friendly local goth-witch loitering on the sidewalk. Meghan is all bundled up and has her hands shoved deep in her pockets.

“Hi Meghan!” I say. She turns around and scrunches her nose at me.

“Ew, what are you doing here?”

“I would say the same to you. What’s up witchy?” Meghan deepens her scowl, but she doesn’t walk away. Her hair is twisted into an old-fashioned updo and I can’t help but point it out.

“Are you trying something a little different this month?” I point to her hair. She reaches up and touches her hairdo, albeit a little self-consciously.

She points to the black beading and small spikes encasing her scarf. “I needed it out of the way since it kept snagging. It’s a little cold by the way. It’s almost November, isn’t’ it?”

“Somehow it already is. Do you have any plans for Halloween?” I ask.

“Me? Plans for Halloween? My plans would melt your brain.”

“Oh really? You know what—I won’t question you on that actually.”

A few taxis stop to idle. The doors open and slam, and they drive away to be replaced by another.

“I’m going to the fetish ball,” Meghan says.

“The what?!”

“You would totally lose your mind if you went there. It’s this underground party, but I think it’s a little beyond your realm.”  

“Okay—enough with the brain melting,” I say. “As an inventor, my brain is very important to me, thank you very much!”

“Yeah-huh. Right,” Meghan says. She folds her arms and gives a small smile—maybe a soft sneer. “The ball might be a little less boring this year. There are rumors about a pregnant chick on  campus so I think everyone is going to dress up overly pregnant.”

“That’s a fetish?” I ask.

Megan rolls her eyes. “I think the big boobs is the selling point. The cringy baby talk too.”

“Yeesh—let’s change the topic,” I say. “What are you doing here? Are you waiting for someone?”

“I—oh! Quiet, there she is!” Meghan grabs the arm of my jacket and pulls me behind a streetlight.

“Meghan, this pole is not—”

“Shh!! Look,” Meghan whispers.

Across the street, a taxi pulls up and Felicity gets out. She is wearing a big jacket.

“Felicity, Noel—the whole bunch—have been acting strange this semester. I think Noel knocked her up,” Meghan says. She hunches her shoulders and peers around the pole.

“Don’t tell me you are the one who started the rumors.”

“No-that’s cliché and unoriginal. Come on Sean.”

“How could Felicity be pregnant?!” I exclaim.

“Do I need to explain it to you?”

“To begin with, she would need to look pregnant.”

“Look at the way her jacket sticks out—it looks really big on her. I wonder if it happened in Berlin? No, maybe last school year?”

Felicity turns toward the taxi as Noel gets out as well. Her jacket is open, and two bags are hanging over her stomach.

“See?! I told you she couldn’t be pregnant,” I exclaim. Meghan groans.

Suddenly, they go to the back of the car and pull a collapsible baby crib out of the trunk. They pay the driver and go into their apartment building. Holy crap.

“Oooooh my Gods! See?! I told you!” Meghan yells.

Julie:

My bare feet trace the wood floors of our new apartment, from the kitchen, living rooms, to our bedrooms, and back. The cool air from the open windows is silver in color with the coming winter. I cradle my stomach, savoring the space and comfort.

Elena emerges from her room. “Did you go to class yesterday?” she asks. I nod. I’m not due until after Christmas, but the new heaviness, nausea, and strange differences in my body have been growing more apparent these weeks.

“It was cold out, so I was able to wear bigger clothes,” I say. I chuckle. “I’ve been purposefully eating in front of people a lot, snacking in class to look like a stress eater who is only getting fat.”

Elena laughs. “Girl, make sure you stay away from the sweets now, you hear? I don’t want you wrecking your figure and messing up that baby’s blood sugar levels.”

“Yes, ma’am,” I say.

There is a scuffle by the front door and Felicity and Noel come on in from their morning out.

“Surprise!” Felicity yells. They carry in a baby crib and set it down in front of me. Little tears spring up into my eyes.

“What is this?” I ask. “Oh my goodness—you guys—”

Noel shushes me. “We wanted too—we are so excited for little Em-em.”

“Noel—names!” Elena snaps.

“Okay! But look,” Noel gestures to one of Felicity’s bags. She pulls out a mobile to hang above the crib. It’s made of Styrofoam and painted basil wood, painted to look like a little death star with space ships.

“How on Earth,” I laugh. “You dorks!”

“I’ve never been prouder,” Noel says, looking at Felicity.

“Oh goodness. Thank you, guys, so much!”

Chapter 17

Ben:

Felicity is stocking the to-go cups under the counter at Dean & Deluca. She is moving slow, trying to burn time as the café has slowed down after the lunch time rush. She recounts and then folds in the plastic besides them and shuts the cabinet door. She straightens and begins straightening the containers of sugar packets. Her fingers pause over the change of sugar to sweet-n-low packets. She sighs.

“Ben, if you keep staring at me, I’m going to go a little crazy,” Felicity says. The coins I had been counting in the register slip from my hands and clatter onto the countertop. I jump to pick them up as Felicity goes back to counting.

“I’m not watching you,” I say.

“Sure. And I have three eyes sticking out of my forehead.”

I snort. We’ve been pretty quiet when it comes to work. We recycle the same old jokes we’ve used for the past two years and no one bothers to come up with new material for our dry habitual banter.

Felicity picks up a box of the leftover sugar packets and carries it to the back storage room. Javier is over by the window sipping a latte and balancing the books. There are no customers now. I follow Felicity into the back room and find her climbing up a stepladder to put a box away. Felicity comes back down and jumps when she sees me.

“B-Ben, what are you doing back here?” she gasps. “You are supposed to be watching the register.”

I look over my shoulder and through the window in the backroom door. “I am watching it, I see it right there,” I say. “Are you doing alright?” I ask.

“Um, yeah. Why would I not be alright?” she asks.

“I don’t know,” I say. I try to laugh as my nerves come to the surface. This is really awkward. “Uh, Sean told me something crazy the other day and I don’t know if I believe him or not. But, I wanted to ask to make sure since I’ve been hearing a lot about it. Have you heard the rumors about the girl on campus who is pregnant? I don’t know much about it, I’ve just heard.”

Felicity frowns and looks askance. “No, I haven’t really heard. I’m sure lots of people are pregnant—this is a college campus. But I always have my head in the books these days, so I wouldn’t know.”

I stretch my shoulders and stress-sigh. I just say it. “Felicity, you’re not pregnant, are you? Because if you are—”

Felicity flinches and starts to cough. Suddenly, the backroom door opens, and Javier comes in, overhearing everything.

“Felicity? Pregnant?! Oh, my goodness! Why didn’t you tell me love?!” Javier drops the books he was carrying and pulls Felicity into a crushing hug. She squeaks, her hands waving and trying to push him away at the same time.

“Javier, Javier! Let go!” Felicity yells, her voice muffled from his shoulder.

Javier let’s go. “Oh, I am so sorry, you are right, I have to be careful with the little one!” He reaches for her waist and she jumps back, trying to stop him. “Just look at how tiny you still are. You must not be far along!” Felicity’s face is crimson, and she tries to speak over her surprise. Javier suddenly turns to me,

“BEN! What will you tell Noel? I know you are cute, but have you made that sweet boy a cuckold? I know you have always been close to Felicity, but this is not the way to go about it!” Javier says.

“What?!” I yell. “No!” I put up my hands and plead my innocence. “I was just asking her about the pregnancy!”

“I’m not pregnant!” Felicity yells. Her hands ball up at her sides and her hair trembles around her face. Javier’s face falls at this. He crosses his arms and pouts.

“Oh, well you didn’t need to get me all excited like that. I’ve always wanted a little Felicity!”

“God Ben, you can’t just say something like that,” Felicity says. She tangles her hands in her hair with the sudden stress and surprise.

“I’m sorry! It’s just, Sean said he saw you and Noel taking a baby crib up to your apartment the other day and I just thought—”

“You thought?! We were just carrying it up for our neighbor!” Felicity exclaims. She sighs and looks to the side. “Yes, our neighbor was in the car and gave us the keys to carry it up for them. They are old and there are a lot of stairs in that building,” she says.

“They couldn’t just take the elevator?” Javier asks. His voice whines with disbelief.

“Nope. The elevator was undergoing maintenance that day. We walked all the way up those stairs. I’m glad it wasn’t too heavy—that would have been hard.”

“Sean says you got out of a taxi,” I say. Felicity’s eyes get big.

“Our neighbor is a taxi driver. It’s very convenient,” she answers.

My questions come to an end and I have a very frazzled co-worker now. Felicity leans back against the stock shelves and asks if I still don’t believe her.

“I believe you,” I say. I think. “I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions.”

“You know you can’t believe everything Sean says.”

“Of course, how could I believe Sean, the excitable,” I say with a laugh.

Javier looks around and slaps me on the back. “Okay Ben, your shift is over so go get out of our hair before you make another mess. Get out.”

I take off my apron and hair net and toss them into my locker. As I’m clocking out, I ask, “What hair, Javier?”

“Get out!”

After work, I wander a little bit and take the long way home. I take a chance and go to walk by Felicity and Julie’s apartment, wondering if I would see her today. I have only seen Julie from a distance on occasion on campus, but never again since the day she said she didn’t want to get back together.

Riled up from my mistake at work, I job a little to burn of the energy. I come to a stop around the corner and everything feels like it comes to a standstill for one moment.

In front of the apartment building, Julie is standing as an older woman gets out and opens a taxi door for her. Julie is wearing a long dress with a big sweater and jacket. It seems like a bit much, even in today’s chilly air. She passes her purse to the woman and steps into the street to duck into the car. Her hand reaches down to tuck around her stomach, it’s shape protruding to be something that it shouldn’t be.

She sits in the back of the taxi and the other woman joins her. The doors close, and the taxi pulls into the traffic.  As she goes away, the street and buildings around me all seem to get closer, leaning and pulling at the sidewalks to create a tunnel-vision of darkening colors. I sway and stumble into a wall, catching myself.

It can’t be.

I fish my phone out of my pocket and punch in the numbers to Dean & Deluca. Felicity picks up on the second ring, “Welcome to Dean & Deluca’s Coffee and—”

“Felicity! Put Javier on the phone,” I demand.

“Ben? You just rushed out of here, what is going on?”

“I need to talk to Javier, now,” I say.

“Okay, hold on.”

My hands are shaking as I wait. Javier comes on the line.

“Ben! Did you forget something?” Javier asks.

“Javier, can you double my hours for the next upcoming weeks? Maybe triple them? I’ll do whatever you want,” I say.

“Ben, I know you don’t love working what is going on?”

“I need the hours right now. Please Javier?”

“Okay, okay, but no take backs, okay?”

“Okay, do it please.”

Julie:

My biological mother sits next to me in the taxi, telling me about her day, as if this was completely normal. I pick at the edge of my purse and listen anxiously. A real-life conversation is totally different when you don’t have the ability to hang up and escape on a phone when the conversation goes sour. I’m not too sure how it will go with meeting my biological family tonight, and I almost don’t want to find out anymore.

“I’ll never be able to get rid of the guilt that I have for not trusting your father. He is a wonderful man who I do not deserve by any means,” Carole says. “You’ll like him. The kids are excited to meet you too, but if they start asking you for too much, you can tell them no.”

“So, telling them about me didn’t ruin your marriage?” I ask.

Carole looks at me with a small smile. “Somehow, no. He’s far too understanding.”

“I don’t think what you did is forgivable,” I say.

“Do you think it is punishable?” Carole asks. I don’t say anything, since I’m not so sure myself. “He views it as a failing of his own. He thinks I didn’t tell him because I didn’t trust or believe he could be there for me when I was pregnant. In reality, I was just scared, but he blames himself.”

I shift, feeling uncomfortable. This conversation is making me think of Ben a little too much.

“Oh,” I say.

Maybe sensing my worry, Carole stops talking, and the rest of the ride passes in silence. She occasionally asks me how the baby is, the due date, and what not but soon, we are at her home, and my biological father meets us right at the apartment building door. He comes over to open the taxi door, but my legs, my hands, nothing will move as I struggle to take a breath or even say a word to him.

            He opens my door. “Hi, Julie,” he says. The word “hi” slips from my lips and whispers away into a breath. Where Carole may reflect my stature, height, and hair, this man’s eyes are a mirror to my own, and his smile pushes up against his cheekbones like the poles holding up a sloping circus tent, also just like me.

“Mr. Anderson,” I whisper. He reaches in and helps me from the taxi, one hand on my arm, and the other on my back. His eyes follow me as his smile remains, but he begins to look a little misty.

“Julie, we can take this at whatever speed, or way you would like. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Mr. Anderson says. He looks like he is holding himself back. Is he really excited to see me? My biological father might want me with no questions asked?

“I—I’ve always wanted to find you,” I say.

There is a sudden rush of footsteps and two kids, a girl and a boy, run out to meet us.

“Are you Julie?” the girl asks. She comes over and grasps my arm. I flinch but try to not pull away?

“Yes. Are you Amanda?” I ask, hoping I remembered her name right. If possible, stars lit up in Amanda’s eyes as she yelled yes. Her brother, Matthew, comes over, a bit shyer. He gives me a smile but looks a little uncertain.

Carole laughs, tears appear in her eyes. “Kids, did you leave the apartment unlocked?” Her husband—my dad—jumps and looks to the kids. Matthew holds up a set of keys.

“No, we remembered to lock up,” he says. Oh goodness, they are energetic. I remember getting a glimpse of the two when they ran into he architectural firm to have lunch with Carole last year.

“Julie, let’s go in and warm up. I hope you like what we are having for dinner,” Mr. Anderson says.

“Thank you,” I say, “I’m sure I’ll love it.” 

Chapter 18

Ben:

A taxi rolls to a stop in front of Julie’s apartment. My knees are tight, and my legs are cold as I crouch, leaning against the building. My arms are tucked and crossed across my chest, holding what little warmth I have in the chilly night. It’s late and it’s been hours since I got off work earlier this afternoon.

The taxi door opens, and Julie steps out, moving slowly. She fixes her jacket and proceeds with her hands held to the small of her back. How did I not notice the difference before, even from a distance away? The way she walks now, with a small waddle in her step, the way she holds herself has even changed. How could I have not known what she was going through.

Before Julie can go past me, I push off the ground and walk up to her, shaking the pins and needles out of my legs.

“Julie,” I say. Julie startles and almost trips. I reach out to steady her, but she pulls away and keeps her distance. Her eyes widen and her mouth drops open with a small groan. Her hands grasp the edges of her coat, but it’s too late, she knows I’ve found out.

“I’m here,” I say. My voice rumbles like a growl and my eyes heat up with held back tears. I reach out to her with open arms, exposing all I want, and what I hope for in this moment. If she walks away, it will be the end of me. Julie freezes. She bites her lip and looks at the ground, not knowing what to do.

“I am not going anywhere, and nor are you, Julie Emrick.”

A few drops of a beginning rain spot my jacket and outstretched hands. Mist rises to the streetlights cutting through the night. Julie leans, then slowly takes a step towards me. She looks like she is fighting an urge to give in, an argument to stick to her original decisions, without me, and without support. Slowly, she unravels and with a cry, she comes to me. Her hands reach to grab my jacket as she bows her head and just cries. Gently, I wrap my arms around her. My face grows hot, traces of my own tears travel across my cheeks to drip from my nose and chin. I give Julie a squeeze before I step back and kneel before her. I look up at her rosy cheeks and deep eyes.

“May I?” I ask. She nods. My throat is thick with emotion as I reach out and feel the warmth that is her and the child coming. It’s all alien and natural at once, something I’ve never been able to or might never comprehend.

“Is it?” I try to ask, but the words fall short.

Julie blubbers around the smile growing on her lips, “Yes, it is.”

I stand up and hug her again. “I am never letting you go again,” I say. I cup her face in my hands and stare into the amber eyes I have loved so much. Her eyelashes sparkle with the tears and misting rain. “Take me back,” I say. “Say I can stay.” Julie smiles and cringes all at once—I see fear and hope writhing within her heart and mind. “Tell me to stay, and you will never be alone or left behind ever again.”

“Yes,” Julie says. “Please stay. Just don’t go, okay?”

“Never again,” I promise. I pull her close for a kiss. When the shared warmth of our lips meet, all seems right and where it belongs in our world. The warmth that takes over and awakens my body and soul that have been destitute for so long, a surge of right, of fear, and excitement shake through every fiber of my being. I might not know what it’ll take to make everything right again, but I know I will do everything I can to make things alright for Julie.

At some point, we pause and notice that the rainfall is picking up.

“Come, let’s go upstairs,” Julie says. “It’s freezing out here.” She tucks herself to my side and I wrap my arm around her shoulders. We go upstairs to flee the cold. At the apartment she shares with the others, Julie opens the door and walks in.

“You leave the door unlocked?” I remark.

“There’s always someone here,” she says.

“Yeah, and it’s New York City,” I say.

“We’ll start locking it when the baby is born.” She says.

Inside, the hallway gives entry to two of the bedrooms and extends to the central living room. From what I see, the lighting and colorful carpets strewn over the wood floors give the home a warm comfort. Loud music plays for Elena’s room as she studies. Julie shows me to her room, the first door on the right. 

Her room is cute. She has an assortment of pillows on her bed, a guitar case leans against the wall, and many postcards cover the walls near the headboard of her bed, by the mirror, and above the lamp at her bedside.

“I see you’ve taken a liking to pillows,” I say. I sniffle and wipe my nose on my sleeve. I need a little normal conversation to make the room stop spinning. Julie shrugs and goes over to pick one up off the bed.

“Yeah. You never know which one will help when my back aches keep me awake at night,” she says. “Elena found a few at a second hand. It’s almost become an inside joke—buying pillows for me.”

“Do they have to be different shapes and colors?” I ask.

“It looks like it.” Julie takes a seat on her bed and looks up at me, waiting. I sit down next to her and take her hands in mine. The presence of the baby and her pregnancy, makes every word I’m about to say much more real.

“Julie, my mind is spinning a little bit right now; but, I have so much I want to ask and say to you. I don’t know if you want my help, but I want to tell you that unequivocally, I am here for you. I will do whatever you ask and help in any way I can. I’ve already told Javier to give me more shifts at the café, and I can take off class next semester if you need me to work more—”

“Ben!” Julie exclaims. She shifts and turns to look directly at me. “Ignoring the whole, not knowing if I could trust you or if you even loved me anymore; the reason I decided to not tell you about the baby was for two reasons. First, I didn’t want you to throw away the opportunity you have here at school. And, nor am I—I think if I try my best to at least pass my classes, with a degree, I can give my child a better life. I can’t raise a kid waiting tables and the same goes for you. Second, I was so scared that you would try to help but then the weight of it would scare you away. I can’t lose you a second time, Ben.”

“Oh. Well, we will make it work. Between working and we can schedule our classes and work so one of us are always with the baby. We’ll figure it out. I will do this Julie, I promise.”

Julie sighs and I feel that she doesn’t fully believe me, even if she wants to. There is so much I have already missed, it’s hard to know where to begin.

“When did this happen—tell me about when you found out you were pregnant,” I ask. “I want to catch up on everything you’ve been through up to this moment.”

“It’s a long story,” Julie says.

“We have all night, tomorrow is Sunday,” I say. I kick off my shoes and get onto her bed to sit with my back against all her pillows. She does the same and joins me. We lean back side by side and she begins to talk. She tells me about the moment after we broke up and the next morning when she found out she was pregnant. The end of the school year was a blur, and the summer was long and hot, but the evidence of the pain and waiting are constant echoes behind her words. She told me how everyone received the news, and how she’s been going to class and still trying to hide the fact despite the circling rumors. The stress and worry builds up to tears in her eyes.

“Ben, all of this was a mistake,” Julie says. I sit up and lean over her as she starts to cry again. “This wasn’t supposed to happen. I didn’t want this to happen.”

I brush the tears off her cheeks and gently stroke her hair back from her forehead.

“Maybe it was the mistake we needed,” I whisper. I kiss her forehead and settle back to lay next to her among the multicolored pillows. Julie sniffles and wraps her hand within mine. “We have all the time to talk all this out,” I say. “You’ve done a lot today, try to get some rest.”

Her hands tighten around my fingers. “Are you—”

“I’ll stay here,” I answer before she can even ask. Julie smiles and closes her eyes.

“Thank you, Ben,” Julie says, whispering as she begins to doze off. “You will make a great father,” she whispers.

Father.

Somehow, that single word strikes me like a stake of ice through my chest. I breath in and try to let the air out very slowly as my panic comes back. How could someone like me be a father? I know how to take care of Julie—but a child? Julie shifts and tucks her chin against my shoulder. Having her here, so close to me but realizing it is more than just her and I in this picture, I’m finding it a little hard to breathe.

Imaginary worries of something bad happening to Julie, and my own shortcomings go back and forth in my head. The warmth and the soft rhythm of her heart keeps me anchored to her side, but my mind flies in a blizzard of concern. I don’t think I will get any sleep this night.

Chapter 19

Ben:

A mug of coffee warms my hands in the chilly morning. Sitting at the counter in Julie and the others’ apartment, I slouch over steam rising from my cup and contemplate the tan cabinets on the wall. Felicity comes in on silent feet, interrupting my empty thoughts.

“Good morning?” she says with a frown. She shuffles over and sits across from me at the counter. Felicity’s hair is a wild mess sticking out in angles except for where she tried to flatten the curls that stand out above her forehead.

“Morning,” I say.

“Have you been here all night?” Felicity asks. She rubs her eyes and reaches for the coffee pot.

“Mhm.”  Felicity preps her cup and starts to stir. Her eyes begin to open more after her first sip. She points to the big plastic bag sitting on the kitchen floor.

“What is that?”

“Some pillows from the loft,” I answer.

“Ah.” Felicity blows on her coffee, using the mug I had set out for Julie, who is still in bed. She catches me eyeing it.

“You know Julie can’t drink caffeine, right?”

My eyes widen and I set my cup down. Felicity copies me and wraps her fingers together.

“So you do know,” she says. I can tell she is not talking about the coffee.

“I found out last night, but, I really don’t know anything about it—obviously.” I feel my body droop at the small defeat. I can’t even get up and properly get Julie a drink for breakfast without doing it wrong. Felicity gets up and grabs a pot from one of the cabinets. She fills it with some water and then pads over to the stove, setting it onto a burner and turning the heat up to high.

“You can make her a cup of tea with a slice of lemon and a spoonful of honey. Sometimes she adds a splash of milk,” Felicity explains.

“Doesn’t tea have caffeine?”

“Not all, but it’s literally only lemon and honey—we don’t use any tea to be safe. We just couldn’t think of what to call it.”

“It’s something warm at least,” I muse.

“Exactly.” Felicity busies herself gathering the ingredients. She sets out a cup and spoon, a lemon, and a jar of honey. She slices off one side of the lemon and then slices out a piece she plops into the mug. Next, she pulls out a toothpick and sticks the cut lemon back together, end to end, so the cut flesh is covered. “That keeps the lemon fresh so you can use it again,” she says.

Felicity sits back down as the pot behind me strains and begins to warm up.

“Is Noel here?” I ask.

“He’s still in bed.”

“When did you all move in here?”

“A few months ago, in August. Noel found it and thought we could all help Julie out.”

“That’s a relief,” I say. Felicity swirls her cup and looks around.

“Is that why you called Javier for more hours yesterday?”

“Yes. I’ll do what I can outside of class.”

Felicity takes another sip and doesn’t ask any direct questions. I don’t want to say too much either, so I return to stewing my own thoughts.

Down the hallway, a doorway opens, and Julie comes out. She is wearing sweatpants and a long nightgown that lifts out at her middle. She has the note I left at her bedside in her hand. I put my mug down carefully in case I shake and spill the hot drink.  Julie comes over and sits with us.

“Thank you for your note,” she says. She looks shy, almost as if she is unsure of how we can talk to each other. Despite our connection last night, I know acting normal won’t come back naturally to us after so many months apart.

“I didn’t want to startle you when I left,” I say. I gesture to the bag on the floor, “I stopped by the loft to get you some more pillow, if you wanted them.”

Julie smiles and looks at the bag—an assortment of round, square, and long brown pillows are all squished and stacked on each other.

“More pillows?” she asks with a smile.

I shrug. “You never know ‘till you need them.”

“Thank you, Ben,” Julie says. Her smile lights up her face, a smile even more dramatic with the added weight from her pregnancy. Her cheeks are developing a constant rosiness—as I am noticing—and I think it’s the cutest thing.

I get up and get the water for Julie and pour it into her cup. She takes it gratefully and adds a spoonful of honey.

“I miss coffee so much,” she moans. Felicity covers her cup with her hand, as if to hide it jokingly.

“At least, you can pretend you are drinking coffee—smell ours and convince yourself its what you are drinking,” Felicity says.

“The tea is good though,” Julie admits. “Just a little ineffective.”

“Julie, can you tell me about your dinner at Carole’s last night?” Felicity asks. She gracefully skips over any questions or direct observations of Julie and I’s newfound return. I relax a little and sit back to listen.

Julie:

“My dinner at Carole’s? it was shockingly nice.” Carole had finally told her family about me and they welcomed me into their home. It all felt a little like a dream to me. “I met her husband—my father—Mr. Anderson, and their two kids, Amanda and Matthew. It was a little strange with the kids there because I kept thinking, if I was in their shoes. Who is this stranger claiming to be a part of their family? To be someone to their parents? I felt a little guilty but at the same time, I guess watching them interact with their parents and as a family unit, it stirred some feelings in me. What if I had grown up with them, what if I had had such a family life? Those thoughts were pretty loud in my head the whole time.”

“Was everyone nice?” Felicity asks me.

“Yes, very. My father was careful, I could tell he was excited by the many questions he asked but he made sure to not impose too much. He hugged me when I left, and it was kind of indescribable. I still don’t trust Carole though.”

“Of course not—who would?” Felicity says with a snort.

Ben has been watching me and his face seems to form around a question, the way his brows lower and his mouth moves in thought. I cling to my mug of tea, braced for even the slightest sound of his voice, a noise that will be jarring to my tired mind and body for a long time.

“What were the kids like?” Ben asks. He lingers on the word ‘kids.’

“Very sweet. Amanda, the oldest, has reddish hair just like mine. She asked me endless questions about my favorite music, hairstyles, if we could get together to ger our nails done, or if I could take her shopping.”

“How cute.”

“She really was. Her brother was a little shyer. Matthew often looked at his parents before asking me anything directly, but I can tell he was listening hard, taking everything in. He is a kid who is wondering who I am and where I’ve suddenly come from. I don’t blame him.”

“It sounds like Amanda has found the sister she has always wanted,” Felicity says. “Do you think you will see them again soon? Did Carole say anything like that?”

“I think so. Amanda might bug her until I see her again. My dad invited me back and told me to stay in touch, a lot.”

“What if he starts calling you every day?”

I laugh at the thought. “Even if he did, my adoptive parents don’t call me that much—it would be different for sure. Carole and my dad really want to help and see the baby though,” I say. I look at my swirling drink and shift a little in my seat. I can feel the bun that I had twisted my hair up into last night slowly sliding down the side of my head as pieces come lose.

“This kid is going to be so lucky—already such a big family!” Felicity says. Ben nods in agreement with a smile. I wonder where Ben’s thoughts go when “family” is mentioned. Would our child know its grandparents on his side? I don’t think he talks to his family much unless he must. It’s always been a topic to avoid from keeping his mom calm and from wanting to avoid talking to his father.

“She’ll be spoiled for sure,” I say with a smile. I take a sip of my tea. The smooth honey holds a taste of lemon in the warm water. I put the mug down and look at Ben.

“Um, I have an appointment at the doctor’s today. A checkup,” I say. Ben swirls his coffee and takes a long sip.

“What appointment?” he asks.

Felicity slumps in her seat. “Really

Chapter 20

Ben:

The day of Julie’s appointment arrives too soon. Julie and I walk hand in hand on our way to her clinic, gratefully on the edge of campus and supported by the school. We left the apartment that morning where we had spent the whole night talking with a mountain of pillows between us (now doubled with the amount I stole from the loft much to Sean’s chagrin.)

Julie walks next to me with her slender fingers entwined softly in mine. She wears two scarfs, hanging loosely around her neck, only because I made her take them when I feared she would be too cold on this December day. Her cheeks are flushed with heat. I reach over and unwind one to put over my shoulders.

“How far are we from the clinic?” I ask.

“Not far,” Julie says. White puffs of vapor enunciate her answer.  She gives my hand a squeeze. A man wearing a suit jacket and over-coat walks by and nearly brushes Julie’s arm. I pull her closer to me and hold her arm close to my side.

“Ben—that’s the fourth person you’ve pulled me away from. I’m not fragile,” Julie says. “Nor are they going to hurt me.” A handful of people pass us—workers, students, and morning joggers. I’ve never realized how incredibly busy the city streets of New York City are. Back home was busy, but this is something else.

“It’s a busy morning today, I think they were cutting a close path to you.”

“‘Close’? Ben, it’s New York City. If I don’t run into someone, I’m going to be concerned. We all live shoulder to shoulder.”

“I think they can avoid bumping your shoulder,” I say. A jogger shoots up from behind and I jump to the side, taking Julie with me.

“Ben! Stop it—you are creating more hazards for me if you keep jerking me around like that.”

I sigh and drop her hand and bury my own hands deep in my coat’s pockets. “I’m sorry. I’ve just never been so nervous before. Are you sure the streets are always this busy? It seems to be a bit much.”

Julie wraps her arms around my arm and keeps on walking in the crowd. “You are just hypersensitive right now. I need you here to ground me, okay? I’m the one who might freak out. Well, we can freak out together, but I do need you to walk me down the street without pulling me off my feet—alright?”

“I’ll try,” I answer. I bump her gently—not enough to knock her off balance—and we continue on our way.

When we reach the clinic, Julie and I are welcomed in and taken to a room to wait for the doctor. I turn my back as Julie undresses and can turn around when she is seated comfortably on the patient’s chair. The room smells of disinfectant and the counter by the sink is full of an assortment of jars with items, gels, and tissues. Posters on the wall show emotional cartoon faces counting one to ten for a pain threshold, diagrams of a woman’s bodies and reproductive systems force my eyes to the ground as I tap my feet and twist my hands.

There is a knock on the door, and a woman in a white coat comes in.

“Hello, my name is Dr. Gonzalez, how are you feeling Miss Emrick?”

“Dr. Gonzalez, it’s nice to see you today,” Julie says. She sits up a little, her gown crinkles as she goes. “I’m feeling—well, I’m feeling very pregnant at the moment.”

“Good to hear, you are not due for another two months, am I correct?”

“Yes.”

Their conversation goes over my head. I’m aware of Julie opening her mouth to answer a barrage of questions, and the doctor takes some notes, but everything moves strangely as if I am not there. I don’t hear their words as my own thoughts of the two-month due-date, the idea of the baby still being foreign to me, and more all swarm my thoughts with the tinge of disinfectant.

“Ben? Ben, are you listening?”

“Um—Yeah? What?” I jolt back and find both Julie and Dr. Gonzalez staring at me.

“So, you are the father?” Dr. Gonzalez asks.

“Y-yes ma’am,” I answer.

“Well, it’s good to see you. I was told you weren’t in the picture?”

“I am, I’m here, I’m going to be here.”

Dr. Gonzalez smiles. “Good. Have you guys thought of a name yet? Now that you are both here?”

A name? A name like mine or Julie’s? Did my parents pick my name—how did they decide, did they know what they wanted to name me, or did it sort of come to them? I wryly think it had to have been a bet of some kind to my father, rolling dice on my name. But how do you pick something so important?

“Do we need a name right now? Were we supposed to pick one before our appointment?” I ask. Sweat begins to dampen my back. Julie scrunches her nose and looks at me in a little disbelief. She mouths my name almost to ask what is wrong with me.

“No, you can take all the time you need—Julie hadn’t picked a name yet, I didn’t know if you both had talked about one or not.”

“We will think of one, there is so much going on and it’s a big deal,” Julie says. “You haven’t thought of anything yet, have you, Ben? We could talk about it later.” 

I wring my hands. “Um, to be honest, I’m not quite sure how I got my own name so picking out a name at all seems a little—did you say overwhelming? It’s overwhelming.”

“It sounds like you both agree. Well, let’s get going with the test then, shall we?” Dr. Gonzalez asks. Dr. Gonzalez wheels a kind of television on a stand forward. It’s connected to a bunch of wires and there is a tray with a tube on it, and there is an array of items connected to the wires from thin in shape to the size of an electric razor. I’m not sure what they are—I thought there was only one, like the one they use in the movies, but it must be one of those items. Am I supposed to know what is going on?

Dr. Gonzalez instructs Julie to lay back and rolls up the top of her gown to expose her stomach. Seeing it every time makes me ask myself, ‘is that my Julie?’ It’s so alien and a wonder all at the same time. In her third trimester, there is no way to hide her pregnancy anymore and somehow that bold declaration the body makes of revealing and announcing its state with such physical evidence is astonishing.

The doctor picks up the tube and squeezes a little bit of gel onto her hand.

“This’ll feel a little cold,” Dr. Gonzalez warns. Julie flinches as the substance is rubbed onto her skin. Dr. Gonzalez flips a switch and turns the TV on—a red light showing it is on despite the black screen. She picks up one of the objects—the one that is the size of an electric shaver—and presses it to Julie’s stomach. A strange chortling sound—almost the sound I expect scuba-divers to make underwater begins and the screen flashes to a mix of grey and black images.

“Okay, Julie, in the past you have requested to not know the gender of your baby. I can show you the baby without telling you or you can choose not to look at the screen,” Dr. Gonzalez says. “The baby is due in December; it is whatever you want to do.”

The gray images shift and distort. Every circle or oblong shape that appears makes me jump a little as if someone stung me. Is that it? Is that shape something? Is that what a baby looks like? The doctor is still moving the camera around, so I am sure she hasn’t shown us the baby yet. She will tell us though, right? I don’t think I could ever tell Julie if I couldn’t make out the picture of our baby.

“I would like to know,” Julie answers.

“Alright—if you take a look right here you can see the head and the chest will be here—”

The doctor starts pointing out shapes and shades that are supposed to be a child. I follow along, wondering if I am really seeing this, or if I am just filling in the spaces with what I expect to be there. I stand up and go to Julie’s side. I search for her hand and pick one up in both of mine. I plant a kiss on her knuckles and lean close. I hold on to what I know and love in the face of a terrifying, wondrous, and amazing unknown.

Dr. Gonzalez holds her hands still on Julie’s stomach and the sound of the machine’s whir takes over the room.

“It’s a baby girl.”

Julie:

My eyes fill with tears at the doctor’s words. Until this moment, I had been more afraid that I thought I was. The lonely gulf I lived in this past summer without Ben seems deeper and darker than ever as I look back on what I survived without him now that he is here again, and I look back from a vantage point of hope height above that dark abyss. The light, comfort, and strength that he will bring to not only me but to his little girl’s world. I was so scared to give a child a name, to know anything about the child when I was all alone. But now, with Ben right here, all of us together, the possibility of a family is coming to light. That’s not something I thought my child would have. No matter the number of people involved in our lives at this moment, I didn’t want my daughter to grow up without a father.

Ben stands over me, staring at the screen with his mouth open. His lips move but his hands are tight around mine. He quivers, his eyes fill and sudden red blooms across his face as he trembles with the weight of the emotions he is feeling. He visibly crumples and hangs onto me as if I am the anchor this time.

“A girl?” Ben whispers and chokes.

“Yes, a beautiful baby girl,” Dr. Gonzalez repeats. Ben’s eyes crinkle and disappear into a big smile. He let’s go to wipe the tears from his face and to moan into his hands.

“I can’t believe it, I can’t believe it at all—this is amazing,” he says over and over. He drops into a crouch at the bedside, looking a little unsteady. He reaches up and grasps my hand again.

“I’ll give you some time alone,” Dr. Gonzalez says. She gets up and puts her items away but keeps the image up on the screen. She closes the door behind her after she leaves.

“That’s a baby?” Ben asks. He peeks up from the bed side to start at the image again.

“A baby?”

“I can’t believe it’s our baby,” Ben says. In the moment, I find myself watching the wonder in his face as it traces from his raised brow and open lips. Ben runs a hand through his hair and stands up, leaning heavily on the bed. He presses a kiss to my forehead before looking back at the sonogram.

The smile breaking over my face is the biggest smile I’ve ever felt bless my being. I take my eyes away from the father-to-be and state at the picture before us. That little blot of colors on the screen is a human being we’ve made. What an incredible daughter she will be.

Chapter 21

Elena:

Felicity is cooking on the stovetop when I join her and Noel in the kitchen. It’s a Saturday morning with everyone off class for the weekend and looking for relaxation. The sharp smell of peppers and butter hangs in the steam rising from the frying pans.

“Whatcha’ making?” I ask. I sit next to Noel at the table. Felicity looks up from her cooking,

“Oh—hi Elena! I’m not too sure.”

“Here we go,” I with a sigh. “I told you to stop wasting the groceries—”

“It’s not going to be a waste—I feel good about this one!” Felicity argues. She picks up a wooden spoon and stirs the browning peppers. Felicity has been on a kick lately to start cooking without a plan and to see where it goes from there. She’s created a number of unmentionables but, sometimes I guess I can admit it’s a great way to use up what’s left in the fridge before someone gets around to grocery shopping.

Noel taps his fingers on the table and tells me about Felicity’s idea. “Javier went out for dinner with his beau the other night and had this fantastic dish. He doesn’t know what it was called but it had peppers—”

“Red and green peppers!” Felicity chimes in.

“And steak all fried and put over rice,” Noel finishes. “She’s trying to make it with some ground beef instead and some onions because we only had a quarter of the red pepper left. Oh, and this meal will go with the delicacy of ground black pepper and red pepper flakes—no fancy oils or spices like Javier enjoyed.” Noel waves his hands and then kisses the tips of his fingers.  “My compliments to the chef’s… enthusiasm.”

“Oh goodness, I guess I’ll try some of it, I think? Or I might not, the jury’s still out on that one. Your dish sounds a lot like pepper-steak to me,” I say.

“Javier said it was a fancy name.”

“In Javier’s opinion—but it was at a fancy restaurant so who knows,” Noel says.

“Elena, do you have your lab today?” Felicity asks, changing the subject.

“Not until this evening, but I had an idea I wanted to put by you two first. Julie is due in under two months, right? I was thinking we need to throw her a baby shower or something to help her get excited for the big day.”

Noel raises his eyebrows. “More excited? She shakes at the idea of the baby coming.”

“Shakes with anxiety! We need her to have some good nerves—not just cooped up crazy expecting mother stuff.”

“Ben’s been taking her on walks,” Felicity says.

“I think it’s been doing her good,” Noel adds.

“That’s not what I mean! We just need even more positive reinforcement of the idea. Give her gifts, food—a party!”

“Look at you, thinking about parties when there is homework to do,” Noel says. Felicity scrapes her pan and turns off the heat. She opens the lid to a second and larger frying pan that had been sizzling with the ground beef. The beef is dark brown and gives off a mouthwatering aroma. She adds the peppers, stirs them in, turns it to low heat, and replaces the lid. She wipes her hands on a towel and comes to join Noel and I at the table.

“That’s a good idea,” Felicity says, “but I don’t think Julie wants everyone to know that she is pregnant.”

“Everyone will know as soon as a little mini-Emrick starts toddling around campus.”

“She’s just been quiet about it until now.”

“It can be just us,” Noel suggests. We don’t really have to go out anywhere—or maybe we do—but if we make it simple, the event itself is still special and different from our normal every day.”

“I think that’s a good idea,” Felicity says. “When should we have it?”

“Let’s make it a surprise!”

Felicity:

After lunch, Noel and I head out to get some work done for our art class. We leave our apartment and go downstairs. The quiet halls make last years’ struggles of dorm living feel so far away. We enter the ground floor lobby and exit to the street.

I pull the warmth of a knit scarf over my nose as Noel closes the apartment-entrance door behind us. I toe the edge of the stoop and breathe in the cold exhaust-laden air. Noel takes my hand, and we descend into the trickle of students going up and down the city street. We cross through campus and head into the art building, the sudden warmth of being back inside and out of the December air sinks into our heavy jackets and cold fingers.

Noel smiles as we trace our weekly walks up to the art studio for the class we share every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon. It’s the first art class I have ever taken and while I enjoy it, I feel like the professor has a personal agenda against me.

“What was it you wanted to show me?” Noel asks.

I hum as we walk, our hands swing between us. “I’ve been working on some paintings outside of our homework,” I say. We head up a set of stairs and another, twisting through hallways until we find our classroom. The door to the art studio is left open. We step inside and the heavy smell of oils and acrylic greet us. Sunlight filters through drawn blinds and a maze of canvases stored on shelves, leaning against every table leg, spare space, or stacked in corners gives the room the look of a real workshop. Tall cabinets hold paints of all kinds, oils, brushes, paper, and more.

“I still can’t believe I’m taking a traditional art class,” Noel says. “Every time I walk in here, I wonder, why am I here?” He smiles as he talks, he does enjoy the class thoroughly. Being a graphic artist requires knowledge of that art form’s predecessor, right?

“Your work is very good, Professor Sherman seems to like it,” I say.

“My art is basic, that’s all I can say about it.” We head over to a case of vertical shelving. Our names are taped underneath two slots that hold all our canvases and sketches. We’ve had projects about sketching self-portraits, sketching others, architecture, and more. Noel and I painted each other as subjects for one project, which was difficult to focus on while sitting so close to each other.

I pull out two canvases that have a washed background, one blue, one red. There are tables and bookshelves, and household items detailing each scene, all in the same color. The point of the practice is color and shading, how you can make your pieces stand out without relying on a variety of color. It really helps me see each individual item as shapes and lines, instead of thinking about the big picture. I set these two by my easel and roll up my sleeves.

“I wanted your assistance again,” I say. Noel comes to look at the pieces. His, that are still stored away, are one in green, and another in orange. He painted a classroom with many tables, and then is starting on one that shows his desk in his bedroom with all its tech and belongings crowding the surface.

Noel pulls up a stool and sets it in front of me so I can see him around my easel. “Oh, so you haven’t had enough of me yet, have you?” he jokes. The glowing sunlight plays across his brow and chest—puffy from his winter coat. I pick up a pencil and try to purse my lips at an attempt of seriousness.

“Take off your jacket please.”

“Ah, I see,” Noel muses. He takes it off slowly—first the sleeve slipping over his shoulder, then he gives a small tug at the wrist. His eyes bore dramatically into mine as he does this.

“Noel! Be serious!” I duck behind my canvas until he is done being silly. I just want to sketch his form so I can begin painting him into the scene on my own time.

“Okay, okay, I’ll be good—okay?” Noel’s jacket is on the floor and he is in his T-shirt and flannel shirt. He sits up straight and then relaxes to have his arms resting on his knees.

“You are so convincing.” I roll my eyes. “Just stay still and hold that pose.”

I scratch my pencil across the paint and begin to sketch Noel’s form. The curve of his back, the dips, and lines of his face. That goofy smile.

While Noel and I were in Berlin, life seemed to be on pause for us to enjoy our adventures and the world became a place of possibilities to me. I started asking questions such as—why can’t I feel like this all the time? Noel and I can create our own happiness and I want to follow that feeling. But why can’t I have that feeling in my studies and future professional life as well?

Over the summer, seeing the architecture and artwork abroad, I started sketching and exploring the world in a different perspective. It was a natural—almost quiet—choice to switch into an arts degree instead of my original plan with medical.

It’s moments like these when I feel one with the pencil in my hand, no outside worries matter or can come close to the simple action of dragging graphite over a page. The sound is soothing, rhythmic, relaxing. I try to imagine Noel the same as how I think of the furniture in my piece. A bunch of lines, shadows, and shapes. But I don’t imagine running my hands across the kitchen table, as the way I want to touch Noel now. I add one last detail before putting my pencil down. Noel’s eyes are on me as I walk over to him. He straightens to look up at me.

“Did you finish?” he asks.

“Not quite. But I think I did enough for today.”

“We came all the way here for a fifteen-minute sketch?” Noel asks. There is a lightness in his tone as he pokes fun at me.

“Mmm, we can be here longer than fifteen-minutes.” I loop my arms around his neck and step close to him. He opens his mouth and closes it. I imagine painting the curves and round colors of his lips, how they match the warmth of lines around his eyes, the matching curve of his brow, the slope of his nose and his winter-mussed hair. Would I sketch his features so full of lines that it came off as edgy? The details and shadows outlining, the division between his cheekbones and the plane of smooth skin beneath? Or let the color do the work with soft washes and small blends.

“Felicity, we didn’t lock the door,” Noel whispers. His words are slow and faltering as he looks at me.

“It’s okay, I’m just going to kiss you,” I whisper. I trace the lines of his shirt’s collar, how it connects to each sewed panel and crumples as he raises his arms. Noel wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me to him, my shins hit the stool he is sitting on, but he holds me tight.

“I hope you don’t treat all your models like this.”

“You’re just a very special one,” I whisper before leaning in for my kiss.

Chapter 22

Ben:

            Julie and I went out for the day before I have to work my shift and Dean & Deluca’s tonight until closing. Javier hasn’t changed my schedule too much, but the hours will slowly begin to add on as other staff will need time off for finals and seasonal obligations.

We are at our last location, a department store, where Julie is sitting on an aisle floor surrounded by small piles of baby clothes, socks, shoes, knit hats, and jumpers. The fluorescent track lights above make her hair look red in the lighting as it tangles and the tips curl above her shoulders. We are in an aisle with other shoppers shifting around us. An old woman with blue eyeshadow turns her cart down her aisle and then frowns at us taking up all the walkable room. With a huff and a dramatic sigh, she backs out of the aisle and goes to another, but not before shooting a glance over her cashmere shoulder.

I put my hands in my jean pockets, just to pull them out again and fiddle with a corner of a shelving unit that holds stacks of folded jumpers. The outfits range from newborn to 7-months. The holes for arms and legs look big enough for my fingers—how does someone even fold clothes so small? Will I be able to, or will Julie get mad if I don’t fold the clothes the right way? Can we hang everything up instead? Are there even baby-clothes sized hangers?

“Ben? What do you think of this one?” Julie asks. She holds up a pink onesie with yellow pads on the feet and a yellow sunflower over the zipper on front.

“Um, that’s cute,” I say. This is about the thirtieth item she has asked me about. Julie looks at it again and strokes the sunflower with a nail. Her eyes linger on the onesie as if imagining what it is like on a baby. Julie puts it in a pile on her left and then picks up a baby sized blue dress.

“What about this one?”

“That’s cute too.”

Julie pushes out her bottom lip and frowns at me. She puts the dress down. “Ben, you’ve said the same thing about the last five pieces. Are you even enjoying this or paying attention?”

I shift my feet. A woman the next aisle over raises a heavily penciled eyebrow. I kneel and sit down on the floor next to Julie. I pick up a little shirt and turn it over, the fabric crinkles and slips between my fingers.

“I am. I like being out with you—I just have a hard time picturing this on… a baby. You know?”

Julie cracks a smile and playfully hits my arm. “Ben, how do you pick out clothes for yourself with such a poor imagination?” Julie teases.

“Because it’s just clothes! I don’t know, I just grab stuff and it works.”

“You don’t try anything on?”

“Why would you change at a store? Isn’t that a little weird?” I ask. I don’t care if there are changing rooms, anyone can walk in. I don’t tell Julie that I don’t like trying shoes on either—unless they are tennis shoes.

“Oh goodness, Ben. You need help.”

“It’s just—these are clothes. That’s it.” The fabric is flat and cold. As hard as I try, I can’t imagine the warm and pudgy body of a newborn filling out the little torso, sleeves, and little feet sticking out the toothpick pants. Despite my trouble imagining the child, what I can imagine is a small soft body curled in Julie’s arms, it’s little head on her breast, eyes closed. Julie’s whole being tucked around the fragile love, her legs pulled up, arms wrapped around, her head bent low, hair in her face. I can picture this so clearly—yet I still can’t. The image feels like the fading of a dream or a distant memory with no firm hold on reality yet. The baby sleeps with its eyes closed, not open to reveal the features of our very near daughter.

A cold brush of nerves races up from my waist to my sternum, playing across my ribs and heart like piano keys. The reality of a daughter is unbelievable as well. I try not to think about it too hard. The fear mixed in with anxiety, what ifs and thoughts of me not being capable as a father rattle in my head and could become overwhelming if I feed them any attention. 

“Okay, Ben, you need to pick three that we will get so I know you have been paying attention while we were here. Sound good?” Julie scoots the piles of clothes to me. I agree and start to pick through them. The pile is a rainbow of colors, across different kinds of shirts, outfits, and more. I don’t really know what a baby would need, but wouldn’t an outfit that is one piece be easier? More bang for your buck? I pick out the sunflower jumper Julie liked, a blue onesie, and pink fuzzy PJs.

“You don’t have much taste for variety, do you?” Julie asks. She laughs and puts her hands out to me. “Help me up,” she says. I put the clothes down and hurry to help her to her feet.

“I don’t know, wouldn’t anything else be a little complicated?” I ask.

“Do you find shirts and pants complicated?”

“N-not all the time.” I bend to pick up all the clothes we took out. Julie starts to put them back on the shelves around us. I pick up the three I picked out and hand them back to her. She takes them and touches the sunflower again.

“These all will be really cute. We’ll definitely use them,” she says. “Do we need anything else before we go?”

“I think this is fine for now. Let’s not get everything at once.”

“You mean we need to take baby steps?” Julie smiles and wraps her arm around mine.

“Yeah, baby steps.” We head over to the checkout and purchase the jumpers. Before Julie and I left this morning, I saw Elena in the hall as she was just getting ready to start studying for the day. She told me that she was thinking of holding a baby shower but hadn’t told anyone yet. She advised I keep Julie from spending all our money on everything she thought was cute, adorable, precious, or more.

“Those are the hormones talking,” Elena said. “She will want everything that feeds into that maternal instinct. But she shouldn’t buy anything until after the baby shower when she will know more about what she has.”

Luckily, I had been able to convince Julie either that we can come back for certain things, or that I wanted to think about them, or we wouldn’t want to carry them if we were going to other stores. She seemed fine about it all and agreed each time. At the register she is nodding and thanking the woman checking us out. She receives the bag and I pay for the clothes.

“When is the little angel due, honey?” The woman asks. Julie blushes, her mouth parting in a shy smile.

“Sometime in January. They say the 20th, but those dates never really happen, do they?”

“Babies have a mind of their own,” the cashier says. “Bring the little darling by to say hi, alright?”

“Will do,” Julie answers. She smiles wider and looks up at me. “Ready to go?” I nod and put my arm around her. I thank the cashier and we head out. Julie takes a deep breath of the cold air outside and puts wraps her arm around my waist. We walk down the sidewalk in silence for a little while until she speaks up.

“You would think babies wouldn’t be so extraordinary because most people have them,” she says. “Everyone acts like they have never met one before. You don’t think people will go out of their way to say hi and touch her, do you?”

That thought makes my skin crawl with nerves. “I won’t let them,” I say. I don’t want no old ladies pinching our daughter’s cheek without permission. It’s like those annoying people who run over and pet your dog without asking.

“A few times, now that I’m showing very obviously, people try to touch my stomach—and I don’t know them! Talk about feeling vulnerable. I couldn’t even imagine doing or even asking to do that to someone I don’t know.” Julie’s voice rises a little and her cheeks color some more. I can’t help but think how adorable and jolly she looks with her round red cheeks. She’d be so angry if I ever pointed this new feature out.

“Do you think you will be playing guitar again after the baby is born?” I ask. Julie has been frustrated at the challenges of playing the guitar nowadays. She has had to change her entire posture to accommodate for her growing figure.  As I think about it, I haven’t heard her play in quite some time.

“I’m not sure. I won’t stop playing but I don’t know if I will be performing for a while. If we need the cash, I’ll do it. Did I tell you Felicity and everyone said they would watch the baby so I can keep on performing?”

“I think Noel mentioned it. I’ll be there too if I’m not at work. When she is a little older, we can bring her to see you sing.” 

“I wonder if she will be a singer,” Julie muses.

“I want to teach her how to play basketball. What age can you start that?” I ask. I imagine a little toddler attempting to throw via a crouched granny-shot. This is going to be awesome.

“Probably not for a while. We can read to her when she is little. I’ve been writing lots more songs since I’m not playing a lot. My writing classes have really opened some doors for me—challenging—but I see how they might help.”

Julie and I reach her apartment where she tells me she can keep walking, so we continue over to the loft instead. The building’s air is warm as we step out of the cold. We get off the elevator and come to the loft. Julie doesn’t complain, but she is leaning on me now as we make our way there. I fish for my keys and open the door.

Julie goes in first, but she stumbles to a halt, her head bounces off my chest as I follow close behind.

“Sean?!”  Julie gasps. Sean, who is in the kitchen, jumps as we enter. His hair is ruffled, and he looks out of breath. He steps away from a girl he had his arms around. The girl’s back is to us. Her hair is twisted into an updo—now a little lopsided—and she wears a red blazer and a matching dress. Sean runs a hand through his hair and claps his hands, visibly pulling himself together.

“Ben! Julie! Hi guys, where’ve you been?!”

Julie looks up at me and then to the mystery girl who is fixing her hair. “Um, we just were out shopping,” she answers.

I look back to see the doorhandle to the apartment clear. “Man, this is one of those moments when you leave a sock on the door. Do you want us to go?”

“No! Ah, I just thought you would be at Julie’s place.”

“We came back for old time’s sake,” I say. “I wanted to see if you had anymore pillows left.”

“You’re who took all the pillows?!” The girl turns around now, and her sharp voice is none other than Meghan Rotundi, Felicity’s old roommate. Where is the smudged eye make up? Where are the weird spider necklaces and pokey hairstyles? The Meghan before us looks like a Kennedy with her 60s hairdo and dress-blazer combination.

Chapter 23

Julie:

Felicity and I lean against the wall outside my poetry class as students swarm past us. Her arms are full of my books and my bag is on the ground. My hands are wrapped around my stomach as I lean away from the crush of people. Felicity’s mouth hangs open in an “O” as she tries to process what I had just told her.

“So, what you’re saying is my old roommate, Meghan, of all people is with Sean?! How or when did this happen?”

“Well—they might not even be together officially. It could have been a hook-up.”

“A hook-up in broad daylight and not in a liquor-induced state?”

“She doesn’t always have to be a mysterious creature of the night, you know,” I say. Meghan is wild, but what if there is more to her than we know? Maybe Sean uncovered something beneath her very spiky exterior. Even as I think this, I believe the possibility less and less.

“This is Meghan we are talking about.”

“You should have seen her hair. That’s what I’m more intrigued with,” I say.

“True,” Felicity says. “That’s quite a 180. What did they do once you walked in on them?”

“They jumped apart and Meghan immediately denied everything. We tried to get her to stay but she stormed out saying she must be in the wrong apartment.” Ben had laughed and went to give Sean a high-five, but Sean just looked so embarrassed, as Meghan was. There were lots of “Ahem-ing” and trying to change the topic.

“Hopefully, she wasn’t too harsh when she pretended not to know him. Her words sure can sting,” Felicity says.

“Yeah, we’ll see.”

The halls empty by the time the door to my professor’s office opens. I stand up, startled, from the door jamb as Professor Hartman comes out.

“Miss Emrick. Good to see you here early, are you ready for our meeting?”

“Hi Prof. Hartman—yes and thank you!” I exclaim. Felicity puts my books in my arms and slings my bag over my shoulder for me.

“See you at home!” Felicity says.

Prof. Hartman, bespectacled and wearing a black sweater-vest takes my books and welcomes me into his office. I take a seat at an armchair with its back to a wall of bookcases. Prof. Hartman sits across from me and sets my books down.

“How can I help you, Julie? It’s not too often students use my office hours after class,” Prof. Hartman says.

“I can’t say I use too many office hours either, professor.” I wrap my hands on my lap and try to sit a little straighter. “I had some questions about poetry II next semester.”

“Will you be continuing poetry, then? You are a talented writer.”

“Thank you! Yes. I’ve really enjoyed your lessons—there is so much I don’t know and want to learn so I look forward to signing up for your next class. I have a little problem though.” I spread my hands with a shrug as I feel my face heat up.

“I know I’m obviously pregnant at this point, but I’ve been so accustomed to denying it and hiding the fact that it is weird to openly admit. I don’t want to ask any favors, but I can’t imagine I am the first pregnant girl to walk through these halls. What is your classroom protocol with the possibility of me bringing my baby to class on the chance I don’t have a sitter one day or if no one is able to watch her?”

As I clumsily ask my question, Prof. Hartman’s eyes drift to the window. On the most normal of classroom questions, he takes his time to think. Right now, this stretch of silence feels like eons. The blushing bloom on my cheeks heat up even more and I feel tears sting my eyes. Prof. Hartman brings his focus back to our conversation.

“Julie, can you tell me what poetry is about?” he asks. His question takes me off guard.

“Poetry?” I repeat. I swallow and worry as I try to think of something. “Um—there are poems about romance, love, and loss. Sometimes they record an event or use a ballad to tell a story?” I answer haltingly.

“Yes, but what do those all have in common?”

“Meter and rhyme?” I guess.

“Then what would you say about free verse poems?”

“I’m not sure, professor.”

A smile brightens Prof. Hartman’s calm expression. “Everything in poetry is about the human experience. Life, loss, love, questions, daily activities, worries, and so much more. What better way to learn poetry than to experience more of life itself? We will have to ask your fellow classmates first because it is their own lives and education being effected but this decision, but if they allow it—which I’m sure they will—you are more than welcome to bring your child to class so long as you keep it quiet, and it proves to not be too much of a distraction.”

A tear escapes in my amazement and I hastily scrub it away from my cheek.

“Really?! We will be so quiet—I can’t tell you how relieving this is. Thank you so much!”

“No worries Julie, we will wait to ask your class at the start of the second semester. When is the little tyke going to be born?”

“Near the end of December, I believe. I just hope I can make it through finals before anything happens.”

“That’s a bridge we’ll cross when we get there. Feel free to keep me informed as you see needed.”

“Thank you so much professor.”

“Do you know if it’s a boy or girl?”

My smile stretches wide before I even say the words, “she’s going to be a little girl.”

Ben arrives to walk me back to the apartment. His warm amber eyes are an instant pick-me-up as he comes to steady me and take my belongings out of my tired arms. I feel his attention pour all over me as he wraps his fingers around mine.

“How did your meeting go?” Ben asks. I fill him in as we head outside to campus. The conversation with my professor and these recent months has me thinking it’s about time to stop feeling embarrassed or like I have something to hide from the rest of the campus. What is happening to me will be pretty obvious once a little Emrick appears. I keep one hand always on my stomach but my other one—not wrapped around myself—feels a little free as I swing my arm alongside Ben.

“The meeting felt like a first step in a way,” I say, partially to myself.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m talking about being pregnant. It was always such a lost feeling but now I’m a little steadier—and hopeful—with you by my side.”

Ben smiles, he says “Nah,” and that I always had it handled on my own. He puts his arm around my shoulder and gives me a squeeze. I lean against him in the moment and giggle at his inability to take compliments. He steers me forward through a campus courtyard and out onto the street. Just two more blocks to go.

“If that was the first step, what’s your next move?”

“Hmm. I think it’s about time you met my parents.”

“All of them?”

“I think so.”

Ben laughs at the thought, but he falters into a tight-lipped cringe. “Won’t they hate me for how I wasn’t with you? I don’t deserve to face them with how these last couple months have been.”

We arrive at our building and I pull him aside in the front lobby to talk before heading upstairs.

“Ben, I want you to meet them. I never told them what happened. I only said you were not involved.”

“Oh, that’s a lot better, Julie.”

“All I have to say is you didn’t know, and you rushed to my aide as soon as you found out. That’s romantic, no?”

“I don’t know. I should have been there from the beginning,” Ben says. He pulls away from me and stuffs his hands in his pockets. Doubts and numerous concerns cloud his eyes. I try to reach out but cross my arms instead. I’m not letting him back out of this—not that he is backing out, but this is important for us to do. He’ll have to meet everyone eventually, so I think the sooner the better will smooth things over for now.

“They’ll have to see you when the baby is born, so let’s get this over with now, okay?”

Ben’s frown deepens but he stops backing away. “What did you tell them about me again?” I feel myself lighten at this question. If it weren’t upsetting, it would be cute because I think he is really worried about what they would all think of him—my adopted parents and my biological family. He wants to make a good impression.

“I told them I didn’t want you to know, and you had never known I was pregnant. That is true, but I didn’t tell them why we broke up. I didn’t mention what our misunderstanding was because I didn’t want to admit it at the time.” I shiver at the thought and hug myself. “What terrible feelings those were,” I whisper.

“And what a terrible feeling it would be to not know what was happening to your daughter—or thinking she is alone,” Ben says. He reaches out and takes my hand in his. “I’ll meet them, Julie. I don’t know how it will go, but I will try—and that’s better than putting it off in the end.”

“You make it sound like a doomsday event,” I say with a laugh.

“I-it’s not that bad! I’m worried. Can you really blame me? Not only do I not want to disappoint them, but I also get to meet and see where you came from. It’s going to be a lot to take in.”

“Will it be too much?” I ask. Ben shakes his head and squeezes my fingers. “Not at all.”

As we leave the lobby and continue up to the apartment, I wonder how I should make my calls. I’ll obviously have Ben meet my adoptive parents first, but do I just show up for a visit with him or do I let them know before hand? Would it be smoother to call and tell them all about Ben and how he came back before planning a visit to stretch the process out a little? No, we should do this as fast as possible. Even though I sound determined to show him to our family, I know our combined worries could make this a real struggle to schedule.

Ben stops outside the apartment and wraps his arms around me, just as I reach to pull the apartment keys out of my pocket.

“Hey, what are you doing?” I ask. I elbow him and manage to my arms and the keys away from him. His grip loosens until his hands trail upwards to cup my face. From the pregnancy or his proximity, my skin feels like it is on fire at his touch.

“Julie,” Ben whispers. He holds me close, and all his focus comes to my eyes, his face near mine as he leans in. I trace his eyes, brow, and swoop down to his lips with my mind. A little bit of stubble shows a 5 o’clock shadow across his chin and jaw, and that little splash of darkness draws me in with the honey of his skin and bright eyes.

“I just want a moment with you before we go in,” Ben whispers. He kisses me lightly on my lips. Like a breath, it’s already over but I reach for more. I wrap my fingers behind his neck and pull him towards me this time.

Chapter 24

Ben:

Noel and I had a small disagreement over breakfast this morning. While it was not too much of a disagreement, his automatic exclamation sticks with me. The girls were still asleep except for Julie who was getting ready in the bathroom. Crooning lyrics from a Dolly Parton song drifted from the radio in her room.

Noel dunked his spoon into a bowl of cocoa puffs and stirred them until the milk turned chocolate brown. With Julie occupied, I sighed into my bowl—the cereal popping as it turned soggy.

“I don’t think I’m ready to meet Julie’s parents,” I said. Noel looked at me with an eyebrow raised. He slurped a spoonful and chewed in thought for a moment.

“Man, I don’t think anyone is every ready to ‘Meet the Parents.’”

“There are so many of them too.”

“Do you know who you’re meeting first?” Noel asked. I told him how Julie had called both her adoptive and biological parents to break the news before they saw me in person. “The less we surprise them, the better,” she had said.

“Would you ever be ready to have a baby?” I asked. Noel, who was counting Julie’s many parents on his hand suddenly choked and slammed his spoon down on the table.

“Ack! No way, I can’t even think of something like that!” he exclaimed. Noel’s “Ack” echoed the room and I felt myself droop towards the counter even more.

“Same, man,” I muttered. Noel got control of himself and started to apologize. I shrugged and agreed with him. It was hard to fathom what my reality was now, and what made it harder was I wasn’t sure I could handle it.

“Ben—I think the biggest worry anyone has about these kind of things is one, they don’t have the partner they can imagine it with or they think they can’t depend on themselves, let alone have another depend on them. While I love Felicity, it’s hard to imagine just because of where we are, but you have two of the most important factors—real love and I know you will find a way to make this work. It might not feel like it now, but I know you will and I believe in you.”

“Thanks, man,” I responded. The weight was heavy on my shoulders and it’s a burden I don’t see changing anytime soon. But more bricks and weights and all items of stress are adding right on top as Julie’s adoptive father, stands in front of me right now. Mr. Emrick’s arms are crossed as he regards me from the stoop of their home. “Regards” is a pleasant way to put it with the way he looks me up and down in judgement. How can you say “Hello, how are you?” to a father when he knows what you have done to his daughter? On top of that, knows how much you screwed everything up too?

“Act confident and polite all at once,” Noel had advised that morning. “If you shrink back and look like you’ve done wrong, that’ll only increase his distaste for you. Look like you are pleased to meet him and show how much you want to help.”

Julie was already in her mother’s arms and they whispered and laughed at each other as they rocked back and forth on the steps. Mr. Emrick didn’t budge or look at the mother-daughter duo as he waits for me to probably say something. I take my hands out of my pockets and wave stiffly.

“It’s nice to meet you Mr. Emrick, Mrs. Emrick. Julie speaks so warmly of you,” I say. Julie turns to watch me from her mother’s arms. She smiles and crinkles her eyes in encouragement.

“Julie didn’t say much about you,” Mr. Emrick answers.

“Um, I don’t think she wanted to worry you too much at first,” I say.

“Well, there are plenty of items to worry about.”

“Yeah, there are, I guess,” I mumble. Mr. Emrick raises an eyebrow. “Uh—it freaks me out too, to be honest. That’s why I’m here to help her as much as I can. As much as I can and even more so because I’m sure I’ll never be able to do enough,” I say.

Noel had told me one other thing that morning. “Everyone hates a smartass. While you need to seem happy and eager to meet them, if you too are happy, the parents might think you don’t understand the severity of the situation. The dad will be judging you, so if you judge yourself a little and put yourself down just a little bit—that’ll show well because you will seem to understand or at least realize the colossal mistake you’ve made with his daughter.”

“Mistake?! Noel—”

“I don’t mean or think of it as a mistake—maybe a harsh fortuitous mistake to bring you two back together—but! The father will be thinking it was a massive mistake. This is his little Julie, his little girl, we are talking about.”

Noel’s point didn’t make too much sense to me earlier, but in my mix of shame and embarrassment I feel standing before Julie’s dad, it makes a heck of a lot more sense now. It’s easy to down yourself in the face of such judgement. But Noel told me to keep it positive too, as if I am looking forward and up from here on out. That’s a thought process I definitely want to succeed in.

“But I’ll be trying my best sir,” I offer. Mr. Emrick watches me for a moment longer, his mouth screwed downwards. Then, to my disbelief, he harumphs—maybe half an octave lower than his natural voice—and relaxes his stance.

“Alright Ben, I hope that’s what happens. You trying your best and more-so,” Mr. Emrick says.

“Honey, I don’t think anyone could be ready for kids. I know I wasn’t, and Julie was just so graciously brought to us as a little baby,” Mrs. Emrick chimes in. She and Julie have parted, and both stand by the front door, one foot inside, waiting for us to follow. “Welcome in Ben, make yourself at home. Dinner should be ready soon.” Julie waits for me to come to the doorstep. She smiles and wraps her hands around my arm and leans against me for a moment. We walk inside.

Mrs. Emrick guides everyone down the entrance hallway and into a warm family room. There is a mantle covered with photos of Julie and her adoptive parents. Her bright smile and dimpled cheeks are apparent in each one. Julie rests her head on my arm with a laughing whine as I see the pictures from her childhood. I can imagine her trying to pull me away and trying to hide them if she wasn’t so tired from our trip out here.

“Stop looking, those are embarrassing,” Julie mumbles. The bright eyes I see in the pictures look up at me from a pout. The amber highlights in her liquid brown draw me in and I stare at the Julie I know and love the most.

We sit on the couch as Mrs. Emrick leaves to check on dinner. Mr. Emrick sits in his chair and leans back, pretending to be at ease, but there is tension in his posture.

“So Ben, what do you do?” Mr. Emrick asks.

“I study medicine at University of New York and work part-time at Dean & Deluca’s Café.”

“A café?”

“Yeah, I’ve worked there since my freshman year. Opportunity for lots of hours.”

“How are your studies going?”

“Alright. Sophomore year is a lot of preparation for the lab-work that comes next year.”

Mrs. Emrick comes back in and pats her husband on the shoulder. She looks like she is checking in to make sure the conversation is civil. Her eyes light up with a smile as she sits on the arm of his armchair.

“How did you two meet? Julie hasn’t told us much, being busy with school and all,” Mrs. Emrick asks. Julie laughs into her hand. Her cheeks have become red with these questions. I settle a hand on her leg and give it a reassuring squeeze.

“We met through a mutual friend. It didn’t take long after that,” I say.

“Ben helped me out a lot at the beginning of freshman year. I was having a hard time… adjusting,” Julie explains. Between her terrible relationship at the beginning of the year and the news about her biological mother, I remember seeing her so upset—she looked so fragile, the way she held herself with her arms wrapped around her bent body, hunched, under the stress and strain. She looked like she could fall apart if she didn’t hold herself like that. It’d be a lie if I didn’t say I was instantly drawn to her. I wanted to be an anchor, a support, a warmth, it was such an instinct, to help her stand back up so she could shine. And shine she did.

“I remember he got me a guitar for my birthday, I was so happy,” Julie says. She smiles, remembering all the nights we gathered at the bar together to hear her sing or to celebrate another exam done, another accomplishment, or birthday. Elena who would be worried about studying, and nervous Felicity would finally unwind.

“Now, what happened? Were you both dating when this all occurred?” Mr. Emrick asks. It’s his first relationship-related question and he gestures towards Julie and her obvious state. I think his “this” is “conception.” He can’t bring himself to say it and I’m sure it’s not embarrassment so much as a father’s protective anger under the surface.

“Ben and I dated our freshman year,” Julie answers. “I kind of panicked when I found out I was pregnant. I pushed him away, he didn’t know,” she lies. No mention of our misunderstanding due to that minx Nicole. “But he eventually found out and came right to me.”

That chilly day outside the apartment, when I saw Julie duck into the taxi with her biological mother is burned into my memory. The cold pit I felt in my stomach, the stripping of reality as I knew it.

“How could she avoid you so well if you both were on campus over the summer?”

“I was told she went home for the summer. I didn’t leave my apartment much so, I let everyone think I had moved back to Palo Alto.”

Her parents purse their lips, in different levels of thoughts and stress. Mrs. Emrick’s welcoming smile never falters, even as the lines around her eyes seem to deepen. The worry for her daughter is apparent.

Soon, Mrs. Emrick says dinner should be ready, so we head into the dining room. I lead Julie to her seat and help her sit. Mr. Emrick passes me dishes that his wife retrieves from the kitchen. It’s a simple meal, an aromatic pot roast with potatoes, carrots, and a few sides. Julie’s eyes follow each plate and pot as they are passed hand from hand to the table.

The food is excellent. Conversations turn to more normal topics such as Julie and I’s classes. Her parents talk about their jobs and news from around the neighborhood, how the extended family is doing, and more. From her weariness, Julie comes to life with the warmth home cooking that is lovingly prepared brings. Her mom keeps adding more to her plate, and her father keeps everything within her reach.

While I am the new one in this circle of familiarity, its warmth doesn’t fall short of me. Her parents are nice, curious, and questioning the current situation, but they have not shut me out or demanded anything unusual. We all are trying to get our footing, but at least it’s a group effort. Our little girl isn’t due until January, so we have a few months left to figure this out.

Chapter 25

Tracy:

            “You are one hell of a lab partner—I count my lucky stars every day,” I say to Elena between sips of my expresso. It’s about 1:30, we’ve been out of the lab for about thirty minutes. Elena sits tall in her seat, turned with her arm over the back of the chair as she looks outside the street window at the café’s front. The cursive script “Dean & Deluca” curls across the window in white font. Little orange pumpkins and purple bats are stuck across the window at intervals. Today is Halloween, but we have a lab to finish before tonight’s festivities.

Elena’s expresso is untouched. So is her croissant with the cream on the side. “Don’t you think we should be getting back to work?” I ask.  We need to reassess that last mixture—I still don’t think I did it right. You should have done it for me.” I set my cup down with a sigh. This girl—sometimes I question if our new relationship is one of convenience. You know, because we spend so much time together completing, studying, and prepping for lab. But, when she smiles at me, I lose my train of thought. Except right now as she continues to stare out that window, her braids trailing down her back. “What, no sarcastic remarks on me being too ‘butter fingers’ to complete an experiment without a mistake? No comments on how all my measurements are never just right?”

Elena’s fingers twitch as if just waking up. She comes to and turns back to our table, her legs swishing to lean against mine.  She looks intrigued, the way her eyebrows are held high. She reaches across our plates and takes my hand. “Sorry babe, I’m a little distracted. What were you saying?”

I give her hand a squeeze. “I was saying, I think we should get back to the lab soon.”

“Oh, yeah, just a minute.” She glances over her shoulder and back again. “My friend who works here is having quite the conversation outside. I want to wait around to see how it goes.”

“Who?”

Elena points at two guys standing outside Dean & Deluca’s. One wears the black uniform of the café with a hairnet in his hand, the other is a tall blonde guy, wearing a heavy jacket and shorts.

“You can’t ask him about this later?”

“Knowing him, he’ll feign ignorance if I wait.”

“Who is that again? You have a lot of friends,” I ask. I just can’t keep track. She has two girls and a dude in her apartment alone. That was a lot of new faces for one day.

“I do not! I have a few close ones.”

“Seems like a lot to me. Who is he?”

“That’s Lynn from the swim team and next to him is Ben Covington—Julie’s guy.”

“Huh,” I say. More names.

“Let me catch you up to speed on the ‘family’ drama…”

Ben:

The wind is blistery outside of Dean & Deluca’s. It’s been a slow day so I figured I could take an extended break to get some things sorted out. On short notice, Lynn was able to stop by and catch up. We stand with our backs to the window and look over the traffic rolling by.

“It’s been a while, haven’t seen you around Epstein’s at all,” Lynn says. He is peppy as usual, but something about his tone is slower, he’s not the usual Lynn.

“Sorry man, it’s been months. All I’ve done is work.”

“Working here?”

“Yep.” 

Lynn glances into the café and shrugs. “Seems alright,” he muses. “I haven’t seen you since you quit the swim team.”

I quit swim as soon as I found out Julie was pregnant. I knew there would be no room for it. If I have to focus on my career, what would a good swim record get me as a doctor? “If you happen to see her, don’t tell Julie I quit. She didn’t want me to give anything up, but I just don’t have the time for it. But that’s enough about me—how have you been?"

Lynn sighs. “Alright, I guess. Swim has most of my attention right now, we are about a month into this season’s meets.”

“Is the team doing well?”

“They are doing okay, but we haven’t been our greatest since you left,” Lynn says. He smiles.

“How have you been since, you know?” I ask. Lynn and Nicole broke up after he found out she had been approaching me. We never talked about it or mentioned it in practice, but this month just feels like the time to discuss anything with everything going on lately.

“Since Nicole cheated on me? Don’t worry about that,” Lynn answers. “She comes around now and then, but it’s different. I’ve known her since we were 15. But I’ve never known her less than I do now. It’s hard to let her go—you know?”

It’s a little hard to imagine holding on to or pursuing anyone like Nicole with the way she struts up and down the university’s hallways. I wouldn’t be surprised if I saw her dragging anyone by their collar. Did she have a heart before she came to university? Lynn seems to think so, but that girl must be long gone. Lynn scuffs his feet on the sidewalk.

“That’s hard man,” I say. There isn’t much else to say. Silence sneaks into the conversation for a moment. A mom and daughter walk by on the sidewalk, a delivery man bikes down road. I twist my hair net in hand, wondering how to put together a normal conversation.

“How is work going then? Is tuition that tight?” Lynn asks.

“No, I just have to save up some more,” I answer.

“Whoa, you are becoming the responsible man, aren’t you?”

“I’m not sure—maybe I’m just trying to clean up? Responsibility didn’t get me here.”

“What happened? You didn’t get into gambling again, did you? I know you always liked to play cards at the swim parties.”

“No—I haven’t touched a game all year. I’m just trying to do everything I can because I got Julie pregnant. She’s back with me.” While that sounds like a death sentence to any guy in school, I can’t help but twitch a smile as her name passes over my lips. Julie, my Julie.

Lynn’s mouth opens and he doesn’t say anything. I smile wider. “I’m terrified, but I am meeting her biological parents this upcoming weekend. We went to her family—the Emrick’s—house last weekend and it went okay.”

Lynn shakes his head and pats me on the shoulder. “Wow man, I don’t know what to say.”

“I think we’ll figure it out. She came back to me; I know for a fact I’m never letting her go again.”

Felicity:

“Dear Sally.

“It’s already been 3 whole months since my sophomore year began. It’s November 1st to be exact, so that would make it 2 months and 2 weeks, actually. I apologize if I wander more than usual during this recording. I am a little hungover. My friends and I had a wild Halloween night. Meghan, my old roommate, found this underground party that we all went to. This is only thanks to her now dating our friend Sean, because otherwise, I don’t think she would have let us tag along.

“Ben and Julie recently walked in on Sean and Meghan making out in the kitchen. Meghan vehemently denied everything but then a week later, she was back to lay claim to her new man. They were suddenly together so fast; and now we are seeing sides of Sean he has never shown before.

“I don’t know what people find so alluring about the flashing lights, smoke machines, and the loud-loud music in clubs. I can still feel my whole body rocking to that throbbing tempo. I decided to give last year’s costume another—sexier—try and dressed up as Frankenstein’s Bride last night. Noel said he liked it. He was Frankenstein’s monster, but his green face paint didn’t stay on for long. I think I’ll find it on my clothes and in my hair for weeks to come.

“Meghan dressed up as an overly pregnant girl with pigtails, much to Julie’s embarrassment. Sean wore a ridiculous leather get up and carried a whip—all picked out by Meghan. Elena dressed up as a cat with long whiskers drawn on her cheeks. She even brought her new beau, Tracy, and had him wear a headband with mouse ears.

“Julie and Ben decided to stay in for the night. The club would have been too loud and rowdy for her. They ordered lots of food and watched some scary movies. The classics. When we came back from the club, they were sound asleep on the sofa.

“Speaking of being sound asleep, Noel is right here, crashed from last night. It’s a good thing he has nothing planned today; I think he’ll be pretty tired. Speaking of plans, have you started thinking about Thanksgiving yet? We will have another Friendsgiving this year, and compared to a normal Thanksgiving, spending the holiday here with my dear friends gives me so much more to be thankful about. I think what makes it even more enjoyable is the lack of nitpicking family members, the ability to wear whatever you want, and enjoying the actual company instead of cousins who you only see on the holidays. All in all, I’m looking forward to it and I hope you have some nice plans as well.”

The tape clicks as I slide my thumb over the stop button and press down. I stretch carefully, so as not to disturb Noel who is curled up with his head against my thigh. I lift my arms to the ceiling and roll my wrists. That should be long enough of a tape to Sally, I hope she is doing well. Noel shifts and reaches—his fingers bumping my waist. He takes a big breath and remains asleep. I lean over to set the recorder on my bedside and give Noel a kiss on the forehead. I carefully extract myself from him and the bed and make my way to the kitchen for some breakfast.

“Good morning!” Julie exclaims. She and Elena are already up and sitting at the table. Elena has a stack of books in front of her and Julie is sipping on her warm “tea.” Julie’s fingers are tapping, and her foot is swinging under the table.

“Good morning. What upbeat song is stuck in your head today, Julie?” I ask.

“Oh no, she’s in a little tizzy. She and Ben are going to visit her biological parents, Carole and Tom later,” Elena answers.

“Really?” I ask. Ben only just met her adoptive parents—what a day he has in store for him. “Is Ben still asleep?”

“He’s getting ready,” Julie says. “I’ll get ready soon.” She picks up her cup and swirls it. I can just imagine her fast moving hands swiping on her make-up today. Will it look sharp or all over the place? I pour myself a cup of coffee. Last night’s aftereffects are still heavy on my body. I take a deep breath of the warm aroma and test a sip.

A door down the hall squeaks and Tracy comes out of Elena’s room and shuffles towards the bathroom. I lift an eyebrow at her. Elena frowns and shakes her head no. “We literally just slept—I don’t think I’ve ever done that before,” she whispers. “It was too late for him to go back to the dorms anyways.”

Julie snickers into her drink. “Look at our girl, taking her time with this sweet boy. I haven’t talked to him much, but I think he’s a keeper,” she says.

Elena rolls her eyes. “I’ll let you know when we pass our lab exams—he may be a sweet talker, and I may be a little charmed, but if we don’t pass with flying colors, I might have to reconsider.”

“Ok, okay,” I say with a laugh. She’s smitten.

Chapter 26

Julie:

“This feels like Déjà vu,” Ben says as we get into his car. Last weekend we met my adoptive parents and had a nice dinner. But this time, I’m not too sure how it will go. Carole is still too unpredictable to me; I never know if she is going to be supportive or get regretful and take all the progress we made back. But my father knows about me now, so that should help things along. What a way to discover you have a daughter, and suddenly a granddaughter all at the same time.

Ben helps me into my seat and closes the door for me. He hurries over to the driver’s side and hops in.

“How do you manage to get time off with Javier after taking on so many hours?” I ask.

Ben inserts and turns the keys in the ignition. The car starts with a cough. “Felicity is covering for me today.” 

“Oh, good,” I say. Thank goodness for Felicity. I settle back into my seat as Ben looks over his shoulder and begins to maneuver out of his momentary parking spot on the curb. He had gone out to park the car early this morning in front of our apartment to ensure I didn’t have to walk all the way to the parking garage around the block. Knowing how much extra effort that took him, I’d rather just walk. But the same effort warms my heart. I lean and kiss his hand where it rests on my seat as he backs into traffic.

A taxi behind us honks and Ben quickly straightens, lurching into the stream of cars.

“Who do you think is more nervous of the two of us?” I ask.

“What? For meeting your parents?”

“Yeah.”

“I think that’s a little obvious—I’d be shaking more if I wasn’t driving,” Ben answers.

“Do you think this meeting is harder or easier than meeting my adoptive parents?”

Ben stares out into the road and clicks on a turning signal. “Meeting the Emrick’s was nerve-wracking because they raised you, that made them the most important to impress. At the same time, they raised you so I could find similarities—little Julie-isms in them which made them familiar to me even though we were meeting them for the first time. But Carole? She’s a dark horse. I have no idea what to expect. Are you nervous?”

“Of course, I’m nervous,” I say. I wrap my arms around my belly. “All these changes have me a little wired.”

“At least in your case you’ve met them before,” Ben says.

“Right. That almost makes this harder.”

“Because you know them?”

“Because I know I’ll never have a clue about how Carole will react,” I say.

“Let’s hope she has continued to make progress.”

Our drive to the Anderson’s felt long as the minutes stretched by until our arrival felt a little too sudden to my liking. It was only a short ride due to the apartment being close to the city for Carole’s daily commute to work. Being the passenger to a place you really don’t want to go has this inevitable feeling. Like what happens next is completely out of my control. I also have the feeling of shrinking, pulling back and trying to remove myself from whatever may happen, but I can’t look away.

Carole and Tom greeted us and welcomed us in right away. Carole had her sales voice on, but Tom was sure to hug me tight. They shook Ben’s hand, Tom giving him a good squeeze before letting go.

“Welcome back Julie, thank you for coming out for dinner tonight,” Carole says.

“We sure missed ya kid,” Tom says, sounding just like a father. I feel my eyes burn a little, but my smile is wide and I can’t help but laugh with relief at their greetings.

“It’s so good to see you too,” I say. We are in the modern styled sitting room when Amanda runs in, her long hair flapping over her shoulders with a quiet Matthew in tow.

“Julie!” Amanda exclaims. She throws her arms around me. I duck a little, so she doesn’t completely run into me and keep a hand on my belly. Ben grasps my shoulder.

“Amanda, how are you?” I ask. Amanda lets go and gives me a big smile.

“Great!” She looks at Ben. “Julie, is this your baby’s father?” Her eyes get really big. “Are you guys gonna get married?!” Ben tightens his grip on my shoulder, and he coughs at her outburst. I laugh and try to come up with an answer appropriate for children. Not that I am quite good at that.

“Amanda, have you met Ben yet? I think that’s a good question for him,” I evade. Without missing a beat, Amanda skips over to almost stand on Ben’s toes.

“Are you going to marry my sister? I want to be the flower girl! Please?”

I snicker. It’s too fun watching him sweat. Ben regains his composure and swallows hard. He kneels down to look Amanda eye to eye before reaching out to take her hand.

“It’s very nice to meet you Amanda. Don’t worry, I will do my best to take care of your sister. Don’t tell her, but I think you would make a very pretty flower girl, if you would do us the honor?” He whispers the last part, just loud enough for us to hear, but dramatically quiet enough for Amanda to think she was just let in on a big secret. Amanda covers her mouth. Her eyes lock with Ben and she nods vigorously.

Tom laughs. “Be careful about what promises you make to these girls—they’ll never forget a word you say!” He reaches over to pull Amanda away from Ben and shushes her towards the dining room. “Good meeting you, now let’s enjoy some of Carole’s famous cooking.” Ben stands up and reaches a hand out to Matthew too.

“My name is Ben Covington, it’s nice to meet you man.”

Matthew watches his hand for a moment before he warms into a soft grin. Matthew takes Ben’s hand and gives him a shake.

“I’m Matthew Anderson—Amanda’s brother,” he greets. I think Matthew just found a big brother.

Everyone heads into the dining room. I follow from behind, fluttering my hands around my face to keep the bloom of a blush from getting too red. Ben’s promises to Amanda and Carole behaving—this is all too much. I wipe my eyes and sit down at the table with my parents, their children, and Ben. Everyone chats about normal things while the plates are passed round and round. Both Tom and Ben go out of their way to serve me as Carole asks polite questions.

Surprisingly it goes well. When dinner is finished up, Carole sends the kids to wash their hands and go watch TV in the living room. Ben and Tom stay at the table talking while Carole and I go to the kitchen. I try to help but without heeding my protest, Carole makes me sit down on a stool at the kitchen counter while she cleans up and prepares for dessert. There are pictures of Matthew and Amanda on the fridge. Colorful magnets and drawings counter the white and gray interior of the kitchen.

“How have you been feeling?” Carole asks. She scrubs a pot in the sink. 

“I’m alright. We’ve only begin figuring out how to baby proof the apartment. It’s a nice distraction from studying. But it’s a little nerve-wrecking too.”

“It’s amazing the unthinkable ways the little ones can get themselves into trouble. I don’t think I let Amanda out of my sight for a minute. I would vacuum and clean the carpet, and she would still find something to eat.”

“Yeah, I’m not sure what we will do. Hardwood floors are nice until they start learning how to walk and stand up. It’s one thing if the baby always stays in one spot, but I’m gathering that’s not the case.”

Carole laughs. “Nope—every kid is different. She could be calm and lie there like a little angel. But then when they start moving, you can have a roller, crawler, a klutz, or an adventurer.”

“Goodness,” I whisper.

“How is Ben handling all this?” Carole asks me.

“He’s been wonderful.”

Carole sets her pot aside to dry and picks up the plates from dinner. A frown creases her brow.

“I wonder how it would have been different,” she says. Her voice is quieter.

“Different?”

“I wonder what it would have been like to have someone there. Or if I let him be there.”

“He’s here now,” I say. “That’s what we can hope for, right? Right now?”

“Just be careful. At this age, you never know where someone will go or how they will change.”

“Do you mean Ben?” I ask. “I will never force him into something he doesn’t want and I’m grateful for his help now—but this is a journey we are making together. I don’t see it as my luck or time running out even though that will always be a fear of mine.” I breathe in and prepare myself for a classic Carole come back or negative comment. But she just sighs and turns to me with a smile.

“I just worry—that’s what us mom’s do.”

My eyes start to well up.

Ben:

Tom sits back in an easy chair with a sigh.

“She doesn’t cook often because of work but when she does—wow,” he says. Carole had made a rich pot roast complete with potatoes, noodles, vegetables, and even salads to start the meal. Thanks to college cafeterias and living in the loft with Sean, it’s been too long—excluding our visit to the Emrick’s—since I’ve enjoyed a home cooked meal, especially of this quality.

An easy silence settles between us as we listen to the clatter of the girls washing the dishes. I wanted to go help so Julie can sit down but she and Carole shushed me in here to keep Tom company. But, without distracting conversations to listen to, all my old worries float back up to the surface. Here is someone who just discovered a daughter he never knew he had. I don’t know how I would ever handle that and to think I came so close to not knowing about Julie and our baby.

“Tom, what was it like when Matthew was born?” I ask.

“Terrifying.” Tom sits up and rests his elbows on his knees. “When I held him the first time, I was convinced I would drop him, and he would break—if my wife wasn’t there. It was the most otherworldly thing. By the time Amanda came along, it felt like second-nature to me.”

“What about Julie?”

Tom thinks for a moment. His frown crinkles and pinches wrinkles across his face. A shadow of regret, still raw with this recent revelation flickers past his eyes. “I think every day, how did I miss the signs? How could I have had no idea? Carole tells me it wasn’t my fault, she was afraid to tell me she was pregnant, but how could I not blame myself for her silence? I wonder what I could have done differently to make her think she could rely on me back then.”

“Tom—”

“But I would do nothing to change what we have right now. We are all together as a family, finally. In the end, it’s so nice to meet you Ben. You have no idea what it means to me, to see you—both of you—start from the beginning.” Tom steeples his fingers and leans them against his forehead. His sudden admission, I really can’t imagine what he is going through.

“Tom, Julie used to talk about what it would be like to know you. You were always this big shiny mystery—an idol she tucked so many hopes and wonders into. Even though you are just getting to know her now, she already loves you so much. She is so grateful to know you. I know I am too.”

Chapter 27

Julie:

Sunlit skies. Rosy eyes.

Soft skin. Tiny hands.

“No.” I pick up my pen and dash out the words I wrote. I try again.

Hazel eyes, like a sunlit sky.

Hands so tiny—I might cry.

I scribble out the second line. Hands so small, hands like mine. “Like” is too wordy. Do I need to count the syllables? Did he assign a rhyme scheme?

I sigh and sit back from my desk. My pen drops to the tabletop with a clack as I sink my hands into my hair, pulling out two ponytails as I worry.

Professor Hartman gave us an assignment to write a short free-verse poem to present in class on Monday. Today. The project had been assigned last Friday and with all the excitement over the weekend, I had forgotten about it until now.

Class is in 3 hours.

When I wrote my music, my guitar was always right there to provide a casing of strings and chords. This gave me familiar material to work within. Familiar boundaries. But with the freedom of writing anything I want without counts, tempo, chords, or rhythm, the options are too limitless and I’m a little lost.

“Knock, knock!” Felicity calls from my door, rapping her knuckles on the doorframe.

“Come in!” I sit up and swivel my chair around to greet her. Felicity is all dressed up in olive slacks and a big sweater. Her hair is pulled back into a bun. I, on the other hand, am still in my pjs and am wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket. It is a quarter past noon.

“Look at you,” I say, “are you going somewhere?”

“I just got home from class. Did you not hear me come back?” Felicity asks. She takes a seat on my bed.

“I guess not.” I shrug and pick up my scribbled-on paper. I hold it out to Felicity and wave it around in the air until she snatches it from me. “I’ve been working on this barbaric assignment. I can’t seem to put the words together.”

Felicity reads my handful of crossed out lines. “Huh. You don’t have much on here. When is it due?”

“Today,” I answer. Felicity wrinkles her nose.

“That’s not good. Do you think you can finish this in time?”

“I hope so? It’s difficult.”

“Then I’ll let you get to it. But first, I wanted to check in and see how dinner went at Tom and Carole’s? Elena saw you when you guys got back the other night, but I was painting in the studio all weekend.”

“Did you get your midterm projects done?”

“Yes, thank goodness. Is this poem a part of your midterm?”

“No, it’s just a presentation.” Now that Felicity reminds me, she does look like she has lived in the studio for the past few days with little sleep. Here hair is unwashed, making it appear darker than normal. Her eyes are a little pink.

Felicity brushes back some strands of hair that are sticking up like a halo around her forehead. She smiles, “Don’t worry, I got everything done in time.”

“That’s good,” I say. “Dinner was nice! I’m still reeling with how it came and went so fast. I don’t know if you’ll believe me, but Carole acted like she…cared?”

Felicity’s eyes widen. “What?”

I open my hands to enunciate the surprise. “She was really worried, in a mom way, not a doubtful way. And she talked to Ben, she asked him questions over dinner and engaged in polite conversation. The kids adored him, and Ben says he and Tom had a really nice talk.”

“Wow, that’s amazing! It’s almost hard to believe,” Felicity says.

“I know right?”

“Do you think you will see the Andersons and the Emricks for Thanksgiving? It’s right around the corner.”

“Tom mentioned they were going to a friend’s house for Thanksgiving on the other side of town. My parents live all the way in Maine and while that’s just a train or single car ride away, I don’t want to travel that far this holiday.”

“Okay, good. I wanted you all to myself for our special Friendsgiving anyways.” Felicity smiles until she notices she is folding my paper in her hands. Muttering an oops, she hands it back to me and gets up to leave. “I’m going to make some lunch, so let me know if you want anything, okay?”

“Thank you, I’ll keep picking away at this poem and see if I can finish it in time.”

“Good luck, do what you can!” Felicity ducks out and goes to busy herself in the kitchen. Alone, I turn back to my now crinkled paper and continue to write.

Ben:

Noel is kneeling before the counter at Dean & Deluca’s with several sugar packets in his hands when I come out of the back room after my break. Tracey, standing beside Noel, hands over more packets to create a leaning tower of sugar on the countertop.

Thank goodness the lunch rush has slowed for the arrival of these two. “Javier,” I call. “Do you know that some of our sugar has been missing?” Javier, who had been washing a spot off the front window emits a squawk.

“What?? How can that be? Who took all our sugar?”

Tracey snickers as Noel leaps up and pushes his tower off the counter in his retreat, scattering the packets on the floor. I bend down to pick up the mess with a sigh.

“Mr. Noel Crane—are you causing trouble in my café again?” Javier asks. He comes over, whipping his cleaning towel over his shoulder. “I should have known you would return to torture us with your no-good boyish looks.”

Noel spreads his hands, “Ouch, Javier, that was harsh! I was only appraising the quality of your fine products. I would never cause harm to you or your business.”

Javier chuckles. “Noel, you know we love you. I only jest but do help poor Ben put the sugar back. That boy already has his hands full trying to keep all those luscious locks in one hair net.”

“Sure thing, Javier.”

Picking up the last of the packets from the floor, I toss my findings onto the counter. A few crumbs and unmentionables stain the packets. “You heard the man, put them back Mr. Noel,” I say. Noel picks up a wet packet with a groan.

“I don’t think you should be serving these to customers.”

“If it’s not to your taste, then leave.”

“Ben, the animosity!”

“Why are you here? I have to work.”

“Hah—right. I know your excited to see me! I’m excited to see you, you know why?”

I toss the soiled sugar packets in the trash and fish my hairnet out of my apron pocket. “Why Noel? Why are you here to see me?” I play along.

“Ben, I’ve already talked to Julie, but I’ve been dying to ask you: how was dinner at Julie’s parents’ house?” Noel asks.

“We don’t believe it was as good as it sounds,” Tracey adds. “How’d it go?”

I groan at the question and shoot Noel a look just as Javier sucks in a big breath of air. A continuous squeal of exclamations escapes his lips. “Ben! You met the parents?! Oh—why didn’t you tell me?”

“This is why I didn’t tell you,” I say.

“How was it? How is sweet Julie? They must have loved you!” Javier continues. Noel and Tracey just laugh, enjoying the mess they created.

“It was fine! Not much to say!” I yell over his enthusiasm. “Can you lower your excitement, please? I don’t know how I will last the shift with you all fired up.”

“Of course, I can try. But I am so excited and proud of you. You are showing our girl well, I’m sure her parents were impressed.” Javier says. He claps his hands but makes his voice low.

“Julie has two sets of parents, right?” Tracey asks.

“Yep, and her biological mom, the frightful Carole, was quite the challenge to meet,” Noel fills in. “But you survived her, somehow?”

I laugh. “Yeah, somehow. She was polite and I mostly talked to Julie’s dad. I think he sees our situations as similar, except, I’m doing what he couldn’t. It’s weird.”

“‘Weird’?”

I lean on the counter and try to find a better word. The role of a “father” has never been a role I’ve seen go well. To see a father wishing he was like me, or at least that his situation had been more like mine, when I’m not sure how to even be a father in the first place. It’s strange. “Not bad ‘weird,’ it just makes this all feel more real. You know?”

“Ben, if this doesn’t feel real to you at this point, I’m not sure what to tell you,” Noel says. “But I get it man, I’m glad everything went well.”

“Thank you, me too.”

“Do you think they want you guys to come over for thanksgiving?”

“No, it sounds like everyone has plans. Julie and I want to stay here.”

At this, Javier gets excited again, but I hold up my hand. “Javier, we would love to invite you to our Friendsgiving, but you said things were going great with Samuel, right? Doesn’t he make a big thanksgiving for you and his family each year?”

Javier sighs. “Yes, I suppose. I just get so excited when you all do something special together. I wish I could see more of it!”

“We wish you could too, Javier,” says Noel. Javier nods and busies himself with finishing the window. His cloth squeaks in the sunlight as the door rings and a customer comes in.

“We can talk about his later, guys,” I say. “I’m assuming we are having Thanksgiving at your place?”

“Yes, that’ll work the best!” Noel agrees.

“We better get out before we scare a customer away,” Tracey says. “Good luck the rest of your shift!”

“Thanks man, see you later.”

Julie:

My three hours before class went by faster than time should be allowed to move. I had only a few minutes to spare as I bundled up and headed out onto campus. Early November was already promising light flurries with the gray-blue sky above. The sycamore trees lining the sidewalks in the center of campus are already sporting yellow crowns of fall foliage.

I make it to class as Professor Hartman sits down at his desk, barely making it in time. He doesn’t look up when I come in. While I know him to be kind, this is how it goes for all classes of mine, no classmates say hello, but a few students watch me come in, sit down, and get situated. I sometimes wonder if they have ever seen a pregnant woman before.  Their reaction is to notice a change so obvious yet stare without saying anything because it seems too redundant to point out. When I was in high school, I remember a girl who was always tidy, polite, quiet, and kept a simple appearance. One day she came to school with electric blue hair, and no one said a word to her. If you were the one to point out, “oh, she’s pregnant!” is there a fear that everyone will just roll their eyes and say, “duh, we know that already.”

Class begins and a few students go up, taking turns, to read their poems at the front of the room. There are some chuckles, compliments, but mostly silence. Everyone is equally embarrassed to read their works.

“Miss Emrick? It is your turn to read. What poem did you prepare for us today?” Professor Hartman asks me from his desk at the front of the room. A few students turn to look at me. Their faces show a mix of relief for not being called next, and one or two small smiles that seemed to mean, “good luck.”

“Um, was there a required length?” I ask from my desk. The end of my pen slips into my mouth as I hope I did enough. I tried as hard as I could but a poem written without the assistance of a melody in mind and a tune on my fingers was jarring. Professor Hartman looks thoughtful, his gaze shifting to the top right corner in the classroom. My classmates always called that his “thinking corner” as his eyes would often upwards and to the side in thought.

“Quality over quantity, Miss Emrick. I look forward to hearing what you created,” Professor Hartman answers.

“Alright,” I say. I put my pen down and go up to the front of the room with my poem clutched tightly to my stomach. Multiple sets of eyes trace my movements, and some do not look up when I clear my throat and try to focus on the words before me.

I don’t like being the unspoken of elephant in the room. At the same time, whenever I sit down to write a song or a poem anymore, there is only one thing I can think of.

“My poem is called, ‘She is Here,” I begin.

Hazel eyes, a sunlit sky.

Hands so tiny—I might cry.

To hold your head, I don’t know

How I breathe without you

For your love, I wait

My beautiful baby’s birthday date.”

As I finish reading aloud, I take in a breath I had been holding, my face burns and my hands shake. I had only eyes for my seat when a collective “awe” rose from the class.

“That is so precious!” Jessica, who sits next to me says.

“Julie, when is your due date?”

“I can’t wait to see her!”

“Will she be in class?”

“Julie?” Through the exclamations, Professor Hartman speaks up. “Thank you for sharing your poem. The organization of couplets delivered a beautiful feeling.”

Instead of the tunnel vision that was supposed to lead me to the relative safety of my desk, my view opened wide to a room full of interested and smiling people. Compliments of my writing were given, questions and hopes punctuated the crowded murmur. Standing fully in view at the front of the class, I smiled and said thank you. The taboo has broken. 

Chapter 28

Julie:

It is the night before Thanksgiving. Ben and I are curled up on my bed, staring at the phone sitting between us. The receiver and body of the phone trails its cord, across the crumpled bed covers, onto and over bedside table where it normally resides. It sits there like an unanswered question—no, like a question unsaid. I sit, propped up by pillows with my hands under my stomach, softly cradling. Ben is lounging on his side, a poor pillow is twisted and crushed under his elbow as he half sits up, reaches for the receiver, then backs off, pulls away from the phone, and puts his hand down.

Outside my bedroom, Felicity and Noel’s muffled voices from the kitchen are arguing the usage of the phrase “Thanksgiving Eve.” Tracey and Elena are due back any minute from their last lab midterm exam. I wonder if Noel will wish them a Happy Thanksgiving Eve upon their return? But, to the problem at hand, I wrestle with a question I keep cringing from, nervous to ask. Ben, will you pick up the phone? Will you call?

Ben has decided to call his parents about the baby. I told him he could do so whenever he needed to. I am scared of adding more to his plate, but every time he said that it was okay, and he would make the call. It’s been a month and now he has asked me to sit with him to finally call them. To me, it would have been easier to see him one morning and be told that the call was done, and it went fine. But that is unfair even as I squirm under the intense feeling of his personal struggle with to call or not to call.

I flex my fingers and reach out to touch Ben’s hand. His eyes are locked on the phone and he is stiff.

“Ben, you don’t have to push yourself to do this.” I swallow the lump in my throat and wish I had some water. I really wish I could do something to help. Part of me thinks, I wish he would just call, part of me worries he is being lazy and doesn’t want to work to make this right, but I know him, and I know how hard these calls are to make. Calling Carole or thinking I was on the trail to finding my dad and learning what he was like made me want to melt away and just mop myself away under the tizzy of nerves and more. At least in my situation, there was the possibility of it going well. Ben’s situation feels inevitable.

“If I call her, it’s for the holidays at least. It would be weird if I miss one. It wouldn’t do well either since I go most the year without talking to her,” Ben says. His words come out stilted, one at a time, each rough from being chewed apart in the turmoil of his mind.

“What if you call her to simply say Happy Thanksgiving and nothing else?” I offer. Maybe this isn’t worth it. Maybe it’s selfish of me to ask him to talk to his parents.

“Mom would be excited though. She always wants something or someone to love. Heck, she couldn’t get too mad at me if she never left my dad after all these years. You know what he does to her.”

“Kind of, I can only imagine it is hard on her,” I say. I know his dad gambles, drinks, and is unreliable from what Ben told me. I’ve seen his own struggles with cards and trying not to gamble. I can’t imagine the man who would have influenced him with it.

“Maybe I’ll just say hi.”

“Just say hi.”

“Maybe she’ll ask if anything new is going on.”

“Ben, I hope I’m not just the new interesting news of the year that you happen to bring up in conversation.” I can’t help but feel a little hurt. Not that I’m sure why I do feel this way. It’s all the uncertainties. We are on the edge of solving at least one issue when so many others are unsolvable. Would that make me feel more ease? I want Ben to take care of himself, to handle this news and situation as he needs to. He gave me the room I needed to tell my parents. He let me tell them however and whenever I wanted to with no pressure. I just want this to go easily for him. Despite all these truths, a little girl’s voice in the back of my head whines, I want to know if his father would like me? I wonder. I want to feel important enough that he would take the risk to tell his father about me. I sigh and shake my head, these thoughts are getting hard to handle, and too silly for me to really dive into.

“What if you call and just let the conversation flow naturally? I don’t think you need to know what to say, or even how to approach it. Call and see what happens. If you feel like it is right to bring our situation up, then do it. If not, just wish your mother the best and we will figure it out after you hang up,” I say.

Ben shuts his eyes for a moment and squeezes the bridge of his nose. He lets out a big breath.

“Alright. No, you’re right. I just need to get this over with. If I know it’s not going to go well, at least I don’t have to worry about it anymore.” Ben picks up the phone and dials home to California. The dial tone murmurs. She must be just getting home around this time since it is so late in the evening here. The receiver clicks.

“Hi mom,” Ben says.

Sitting where I am, when his mother speaks, it sounds like a distant whisper. I’m sure if I listened closely, I could pick out her words, but I cast my eyes to the wall and pretend not to listen. My side-table lamp shines a gold circle on my ceiling and keeps the room at a comfortable light. Taped in haphazard lines, postcards and pictures cover my wall. Small snippets of poetry are now everywhere, crumpled papers under my desk, half-written lyrics sit on every surface, sticking out of books, used as bookmarks, reminders, and more.

“Yeah, we are doing fine. We will be having a Friendsgiving here tomorrow. Yeah, lots of food mm-hmm,” Ben floats along the conversation. He keeps his eyes down, thinking hard as his mom talks and dives into her recent days. While mm-hmming and nodding, Ben gets up and tosses his pillow to the floor. Carefully maneuvering around the cord, he crawls up and lays down beside me. I push my pillows off the bed as well and lay back, so my head is in the crook of his arm. He holds the receiver between the two of us.

“—and your father just came in from another trip. It looks like it went well, he got me this beautiful necklace and stationery I can use for my Christmas cards. Benjamin, do I have your address right, is it still the same one? I want to send you some cards this year if you do not come home.”

“Yes, it’s still the same address. Mom?”

“Oh good, I wanted to—”

“Mom?” Ben repeats. His voice gets a little higher, almost cracking with the pressure. He swallows and one of his hands tighten on my arm.

“Yes? What is it?” Mrs. Covington asks. He has her full attention now.

“My girlfriend Julie is pregnant. We are having a baby,” he says. My heart flutters at his declaration—he actually said it. Of course Ben would say it, of course he would be able to do it. Warmth fills my cheeks, my heart, my whole body. I turn my face to watch him, see the uncertainty in the moment’s silence, see a flush color his neck.

“What?”

“Julie is going to have a baby,” Ben repeats, steadier now.

There is a clink and the splash of something being poured.

“Mom, are you pouring a drink?”

“What? Goodness no, why would I do that?”

“I can hear you.”

“I’m celebrating. Isn’t this something to celebrate? Just wait until I can tell your father. He will be delighted!” Her voice is shrill, but it has warmth to it, as if it is a nervous, overwhelmed smile. “Oh, I have to go do some more shopping, don’t I? Is this why you’re not coming home for the holidays?”

“She is due around January,” Ben answers.

“And you are only telling me now?!”

“I wanted to tell you sooner, I just had to wrap my head around it all,” Ben answers. He kisses me on the forehead. His mother shouts from the other line, surely if Mr. Covington was home, he would have come to see what the ruckus was about with her being so riled up.

“You always have to tell your mother everything, didn’t I tell you that growing up?”

“You are the first person I told,” Ben says.

“Aww. Well, that’s probably a nice white-lie sweetie, but I’ll take it. You are telling me before your dad, so that is special. Don’t tell him I thought so, though.”

“I won’t,” Ben promises. “Um, do you think you can tell dad for me, if he is not around? He doesn’t need to wait to hear the news directly from me.”

“Oh, don’t worry I will tell him. And you will see us both soon! I know sweet Julie can’t travel anytime soon, but you know we will be out there in a heartbeat to see you before the baby is born, right? There is so much to do!”

Ben winces and gives me an apologetic frown. “Oh, sure,” he says. There is nothing else to be said.

“Well, I won’t keep you long, but please keep me updated! I hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay, mom.”

“Bye, love you and be good!”

“Yes mom, love you too,” Ben says. The line goes silent and the phone once again sits between us and our contemplation. Ben shakes himself and runs a hand through his hair then drags his palm over his face.

“Oh god,” he mutters. “What have I done?”

I shift and scootch a little closer to him. “You went and knocked up your girl, that’s what you did,” I say. I can’t help that smile that tugs at my lips. With such a challenge accomplished as calling his parents, I feel a little silly. Ben looks down at me and squeezes my cheeks.

“Yes, I did, didn’t I?” He presses his lips to my forehead. Once, twice. “And if it meant getting you back, I’d do it again.”

“Hold your horses sir, I think once is good enough.”

Ben chuckles. He kisses me then tucks his head on my shoulder.

“I love you, Julie.”

Chapter 29

Ben:

The maroon carpets of Julie’s apartment building create a gloomy atmosphere in the hallway. Lynn traces his finger along the striped tan-wallpaper as we make our way up to her apartment. The bounce in my step and the sharp smell of chlorine lingering in our hair are a bright contrast to our surroundings.

Coming back from the pool, Lynn teases me that my stroke has gotten slow. He lapped me with ease seeing as we had always been neck-in-neck back when I trained with him on the swim team. Now with a few months out of the water I was all stiff-armed and a little out of touch.

“Just like old-times, bro, just like old-times,” Lynn says. He pats me on the back.

“It felt nice to stretch out and dive in for a little bit, thanks for tagging along,” I answer. I roll my shoulders and shake myself. Something about working at Dean & Deluca’s just makes me tight. It could be the standing on my feet all day, listening to Javier go on and on about whatever caught his fancy that day, and all the uptight customers. Well, most customers are fine, but there is always one that gets under my skin now and then. Regardless, it feels great to have the holiday off.

Nearly at the apartment, an elevator dings and the doors open to reveal both Tracey and Elena. At the sight of Lynn and I, Elena raises her hands up to her face with a squeal.

“You guys!! We got top marks on our midterm project!” she jumps for joy then hugs Tracy tight as her excitement leaks out.

“Looks like your new lab partner worked out just fine,” I say with a laugh. Tracy nods and taps his head.

“I did my best.” He looks at Elena, “Does this mean you are going to keep me now? I think I proved myself to be the best lab partner you could ask for. Right?”

Elena grins and kisses him on the nose. “Hon, I’m not letting you go anywhere.”

“Alright, alright,” Lynn says. “I heard there is a turkey in preparation with my name on it. I don’t want to miss my spot at that table.”

“Don’t worry, I made sure everyone knew you are joining us.”

Elena and Tracy step out of the elevator, holding hands. “I heard Felicity was making everyone personalized place cards.” Down the hall, Elena pulls out her keys and opens the door. After some convincing, they had begun locking the apartment, to get into practice before the baby is born.

“We—are—here!” Elena yells. A stir of voices and hellos echo from the kitchen and dining room at the heart of the apartment. I beckon for Lynn to walk in first then enter and close the door behind me. Warmth, the aroma of turkey, and comfort all leak into my skin, warming my heart and lifting my spirits even higher.

“Happy Thanksgiving everyone!” Felicity calls from the kitchen. Noel greets us at the end of the entryway.

“Hey, did you guys pick up your lab scores?” he asks Elena and Tracy. Elena takes off her coat and unfurls her scarf from around her neck. Tracy takes their jackets and hangs them up on the hooks on the wall by the entrance.

“You bet we did! We got the top scores in the class!” They hug, and then go to see if Felicity needs help in the kitchen. Noel shakes Lynn’s hand and pats him on the back, welcoming him in.

“How was your swim?” Noel asks me. I shrug off my jacket and hang it up as well.

“It was great, man. Felt good to get out there again.”

“That’s fantastic!”

“Where’s Julie?”

Noel looks over his shoulder and motions towards the living room around the corner. “She’s sitting in the armchair over there.”

“Thanks.”

Lynn and I come into the shared dining and living room to find Julie all propped up and cozy as Noel said. She is sitting bundled in a blanket with a mug of warm lemon water in her hands. Her eyes brighten at the sight of us and she moves to get up.

“Lynn, it’s so good to see you!” Julie exclaims. He hurries over with his hands up so she stays put.

“Whoa, don’t get up for me,” Lynn says. He kneels down to give her a big hug. “How are you doing?”

“Good, thank you. Tired and very pregnant, but what is new?”

As they chat, I peek into the kitchen where Elena is eagerly talking Felicity’s ear off about the new exam results. Tracy has his sleeves rolled back and is helping Felicity get a large turkey back into the oven after she had checked to see how it is cooking. The warm aroma is mouthwatering. I can hardly wait until it is done.

“That smells amazing, Felicity,” I say.

“Props to the chef!” Tracy cheers.

Felicity shuts the oven and stands up with a sigh. “I can’t do it alone, everyone has helped, thank you!” Elena prepped the stuffing, Felicity cooks the turkey, and Noel washed and skinned the potatoes now boiling on the stove. Sean will be here soon with his special family recipe of home-made cranberry sauce and baked sweet potato casserole. He had mentioned he was making it a little different this year, so I hope it is somewhat edible, at the very least.

In the chaos as more people came into the kitchen, including Lynn, I ducked out to sit with Julie as we waited for lunch to be underway. Felicity always convinced us, why wait all day when you could have turkey for lunch and leftovers for dinner? Two wonderful meals for the price of one. I couldn’t agree more.

Julie beamed at me as I came over. She set her tea aside and opened her arms for a hug. I sank into her embrace and pulled her close to me. She smelled of pumpkin spice and flour, aromatic and alluring. A tiny dusting of flour was on her jaw. I wiped it away and kissed her gently.

“I made a pumpkin pie this morning after you left. It’s chilling in the fridge.”

“I thought I asked you to take it easy today?

“I did, baking is soothing! Noel made me sit at the dining table and ran all the ingredients back and forth for me, so I didn’t have to get up.”

“Good.” Instead of sitting in the chair next to her, I sit on the floor and wrap my hands around her legs, gently massaging as we talk.

“How was swimming this morning? It’s been a while since I’ve smelled that chlorine.”

I smile. “It was nice, I’m glad Lynn came with me.”

Julie hums at the thought. “I know you don’t swim anymore, but it’s not something you had to hide from me.”

“How did you know?”

“You would have needed to take off work for swim meets, silly.”

“You’re right.” I feel bad. I never wanted to keep anything from her but I knew Julie wouldn’t want me to give something up that I love.

“But that’s okay, I know why you quite the team. It made me sad to realize, but I am thankful at the same time.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I might be a little sad because I had all these cheers, fan-chants, and face paint ideas prepared for your competitions. But that’s okay.”

I plant a kiss on one of her knees, then the other. “Thank you,” I whisper.

Julie giggles and tries to pull away. Instead, I lay my hands on her stomach and she reaches up to cover my hands with hers. She opens her mouth to say something but then there is a soft flutter, a bump of movement under my hands. Julie flinches and her eyes go wide.

"Wow," she whispers. “What a little late bloomer we have.”

The baby kicks and our attention is glued to our daughter’s antics. In a pleasant way, I almost feel numb, so thoroughly absorbed in the moment, I can’t feel anything else as I strain to listen, feel, and take in every detail.

            “Is this the first time she’s moved?” I whisper.

“I’m not sure, sometimes I wake up thinking I feel her, sometimes I know she has it out for my poor bladder,” Julie says. Her eyes are liquid amber as she tears up a little.

“She’ll be as energetic as you,” I say.

“I sure hope not. Not at least until she is out of me. Then she can go nuts.” Julie squeezes my hands.

Lynn, now investigating the decorated dining table shouts from behind me. “Aw, there is a little wave on my place card! Felicity dear, how did you know I like the water?” He holds up a little card with a smile. “Ben, your card has a…cupcake on it?”

“A muffin!” Felicity chirps from the kitchen.

“Dean & Deluca, I think,” I say. I turn back to Julie. “I think lunch is almost ready. Do you want to go sit at the table or stay here?”

“I’ll sit with everyone, thanks.” She keeps her hold on my hands as I help her up and out of the chair. As we make our way to the table, Felicity announces that the turkey is all done.

“Did I hear the turkey is done?” The front door opens and Sean appears bearing a covered dish.

“Sean, just in time!” I call. He hurries in, sets the dish down, then comes back and helps me with Julie. She gratefully takes his hand in her other and kisses him on the cheek.

“Happy Thanksgiving, Sean.”

“Happy Thanksgiving you two!” We get Julie to her seat and Sean gives me a big bear-hug, slapping my back as well. “I brought my dish, the cranberry potato casserole!”

“Yeah, why dirty two pans when you can bake with just one?” Meghan comes in from the hall, sauntering with her explanation for Sean’s newest surprise. “I think this one might not be idiotic, believe it or not.” She takes off a studded scarf and checks her beehive hairdo.

Everyone comes to the table, Felicity and Noel with the turkey, Elena carries in a bowl of mashed potatoes covered in butter and chives, Tracy sets down a bowl of stuffing in one hand and a tray of biscuits in the other. Noel picks up the carving knife and stands at the head of the table, watching everyone settle in. We are all here, Felicity, Noel, Elena, Tracy, Sean, Megan, Lynn, Julie, and I.

“Welcome everyone to our long-awaited Friendsgiving. It’s no simple thing to appreciate how we’ve all come to share a meal together on this special day. No simple story at all. But as we are all here, all happy, and all healthy, I wish to bestow the honor of carving the turkey upon a deserving person.

Lynn shifts in his seat, wiggling like an excited dog. Megan eyes the knife and elbows Sean to uncover his casserole. Everything smells so good and the urge to fill the empty plate in front of me makes me wish for the meal to begin as soon as possible.

“I wish to bestow this honor to none other than our Ben Covington. Beau to the lovely Julie and a father-to-be, I think you officially take the status of patriarch in our little family,” Noel says.

Felicity laughs and Elena reaches over to squeeze Julie’s hand. Everyone cheers.

“Really?” I ask. “Father-to-be” rings in my ears.

“Really.” Noel turns the carving knife around and hands it to me handle first. Then, he hands over the fork. “Ready when you are, I’m starved.”

Standing up, I move to the middle of the table to the turkey. Elena and Tracy lean over so I can reach between them to make the first cut.

“Do this right man, I don’t want no turkey juice on my new pants,” Tracy jokes. As I position the knife, Sean begins to chant my name.

“Alright, alright,” I say. I bring the knife to the turkey and make the first cut. Everyone cheers, hyping up the cheesy moment. Once slice then another, I begin piling everyone’s plates. Once done, I sit down and begin passing dishes around the table. Julie craves lots of gravy and Sean’s casserole is actually really good, sweet potato casserole with pockets of cranberry sauce baked in.

The food is good, the company is dear, and the day passes with warmth.

Chapter 30

Felicity:

Julie and I are sprawled out on the living room floor with pillows and blankets. I am full, warm, and happy as I look up at the ceiling and listen to the chaos in the kitchen as the boys do the dishes. Elena sits near our heads, picking at her second piece of pumpkin pie. Megan lounges on the armchair.

“You know, I feel like I drew the lucky straw here,” Elena says. “I didn’t cook much, and I ended up not doing any dishes. It’s been a good day so thank you to Felicity for all your hard work.”

“Hah. You’re lucky, I had to try every version of that sweet potato casserole throughout this week until we got it right,” Meghan says.

“Do you think you’ll ever eat a sweet potato again?”

“Nope.”

“It was good though, nice and sweet,” Julie says. She smiles and smooths her shirt over her belly. “I’m glad everything turned out so well.”

“Yes,” I agree. “I’m not a turkey expert so I am shocked that it was alright.”

“Of course, it was alright. Cooking takes on the life of the cook. If you put your heart into it, then it will turn out wonderful,” Julie says.

“Oh, sure,” Meghan dismisses. “Hmm, so Julie? How is that little thing growing?”

“’Thing’?!” I gasp.

Megan puts up her hands. “Sorry, I don’t know what you call it!”

Julie is unruffled. “My baby is doing well, she finally started kicking more today.”

“She’s kicking?”

“Girl! Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I wasn’t so sure until now. Like, I feel things, but I’m never too sure what it is, you know?”

“No, I don’t know,” Meghan answers.

“I get that,” Elena says. “It’s like you have a little cute alien growing inside you. Everything is going to feel weird. A kick? No, you can totally assume it is your stomach grumbling until you get a solid and hard kick that can’t be anything else.”

“Thank you, Elena.”

I sit up and borrow Elena’s fork, taking a bite of her pie. I need to remember to ask the others about when and where we will be planning Julie’s baby shower. The year is already going by so fast and it’s hard to plan something outside of school. Comparably, I can’t imagine how Julie is feeling.

“When is the baby due?” I ask for the umpteenth time this year.

“Yeah, when did you guys f—” Elena reaches over and slaps Meghan on the leg, cutting her off. “Excuse me,” Megan says. “When did your beautiful birds and bees sing in harmony?”

Julie snorts. “Oh my god, that’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Never say that again.” Elena laughs.

“The beginning of January,” Julie answers.

“Wow, that’s like a month and a half to two months away?”

“Yep. Somehow.”

“So, you made sweet, unprotected love over spring break?” Meghan asks Julie.

“Meghan! That’s enough!” Elena snaps. Julie is in tears laughing and I can’t help but smile. While she is prickly, Meghan wouldn’t be here spending time with us if she didn’t want to be. If I could go out on a limb here, I would say she is even warming up to us.

As we tease each other, the mayhem that is running water, clacking dishes, and whipping towels, seems to quiet down from the kitchen and the boys come to join us for a little while. Noel shares a story about how he heard Richard is planning to run for class president and how he wishes to promise pizza to everyone if they vote for him. Lynn catches everyone up on the swim team’s record, and Noel produces a name of baby lists for everyone to compare and pick from.

I find myself laughing so much that my sides hurt. Noel sits close and kisses my cheek as some people get up to go.

“What a day,” he says.

“What a day,” I agree.

Lynn is the first to go, thanking everyone and heading out to visit his family for another round of dinner. Meghan and Sean leave a little while later. From the door, Megan yells back to us on the floor.

“Julie,” Megan calls. “I wanted to thank you for being our campus’ public reminder for contraceptives. But, with that being said, I am totally here if you know, your kid needs to learn some wicked hair styles or something cool.”

Julie smiles. “Thank you, Meghan. I’ll let you know if it’s only these new hair styles. I don’t want a toddler with hairspray and spikes.”

“Got it!”

The evening approaches and the day continues to wear on me like the smothering warmth of a heavy blanket. Elena and Tracy go out for a walk to burn off all they ate. Noel falls asleep in the armchair and Ben is dozing next to Julie on the floor.

“What a nice day,” Julie says. She stretches and yawns. “I don’t want it to end.”

“Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?” I ask.

“Yes, I did. Did you?”

“Yeah, it was nice of everyone to come. I’m glad Lynn could make it.”

“It looks like he is doing better with everything.”

“Luckily.” Lynn has a big heart. Ben told me earlier when I was passing dishes into the kitchen that Lynn might be seeing someone else, a girl in one of his classes. Maybe this new development will show him the appreciation and care he deserves from a kind person. He deserves happiness.

“Julie,” I say. She turns to look at me. “I’ve been trying to record my next tape to Sally and tell her about you and Ben. She already knows all about you of course, but I’ve been having trouble explaining your present experience. With being pregnant, and all.”

“You know what I’m going through.’

“Yes, but I don’t know how to put it into words. You know? I feel like she would really like to hear it from you.”

Julie slowly pushes herself to sit up and considers what I am saying. “Do you want me to talk in your recording to Sally? Really?”

“I think she would love that,” I say. I’ve been trying to explain to Sally how Julie is doing but besides an observer’s description and some assumptions, I want her to really picture what Julie is feeling and going through. I can only imagine the reality of it. Julie agrees. I get up as fast as my food-fatigued body will allow me to and go retrieve the recorder from my room. Coming back into the living room, I sit down with Julie and hand it to her.

“You press this button here,” I point to the red record button, “and the tape will begin to record anything you say.”

“Um, okay. Is there anything you specifically want me to talk about?”

“No, I guess just what comes to mind?”

Julie nods and sits still for a moment. Then, with a breath, she clicks the recording button.

“Hi, Sally. My name is Julie Emrick, I’m one of Felicity’s friends. She asked me to tell you about my experience, and I guess as a pregnant girl in college, there is a lot I could say. But, in this moment, only a few things come to mind.

“We all just finished a lovely Friendsgiving dinner. Felicity is sitting next to me, Noel is asleep in the chair, and Ben, my boyfriend, is behind me, also asleep. I’m surrounded by so much love, I could just swell with the immensity of it and in all reality, I literally am with this baby kicking inside me. It’s just happiness that comes to mind. I know there are many things that should be terrifying to me right now and there are many problems I need to sort out but, in the end, I know everyone here, including our other friends, all have my back.

“School, another big part of my life is going well too, my classmates are talking to me more and even some professors say it is okay if I need to be absent from class for a while or if I need to bring the baby with me. I think everyone wants the distraction a baby can provide from those long, boring, lectures.” Julie laughs at her own joke. She pauses. Her thumb traces the buttons on the recorder. It whirs softly, waiting for her to continue.

“Felicity tells me so much about you. One day, I wish to meet you as well. Sally, you give so much support and kindness to our dear Felicity. Thank you for that and I wish to extend that warmth and happiness to you, on top of all the moments you already experience in your own life.” Julie looks up at me and bites her lip in embarrassment. “I think that’s all I can think of,” she says.

“Go ahead and hit stop so it isn’t recording anymore.”

“Oh! Yes, I’ll do that.” Julie fumbles with the machine and hits stop. She hands it back to me. “Was that okay?”

“Yes! I think Sally will love it. I know she wants to meet everyone to, I wonder how she imagines everyone here through my words. I hope I do everyone justice.”

“I’m sure you do.”

With the recorder, I return it to my room and set it on my desk. Getting sleepy, I head back out to the living room and go to wake up Noel to see if he wants to go on a walk. The brisk fall air might do me some good so I can start getting hungry for leftovers later.

Chapter 31

Felicity:

The Thanksgiving night air is crisp with a promise of coming snow. The chill prickles my tongue as I smile, it stings my cheeks, and my breath feels like I am inhaling an icy peppermint. I tuck my hands around Noel’s arm and lean my head against him as we walk down the street.

“I see we are two different kinds of people,” Noel says. His breath reflects in the streetlight.

“What?”

“I’m the kind of person who sleeps once I take on the responsibility of a food baby. Food comas all the way. You? You like to get active and walk it off before your food baby even settles in,” he explains.

I laugh. “That’s ridiculous. We only ate again recently; I’m not jumping into any activity.”

Noel lifts a hand to the empty street around us. “Are you? Or did we just magically teleport out here?” He kisses the top of my head and ruffles my hair.

“I guess I just wanted to make this evening last longer. If you kept on sleeping, I wouldn’t get to spend any more time with you today.”

“You could have just joined me for a nap.”

“Are you enjoying this walk?” I ask.

“Yes, yes! Of course, I’m only teasing.”

“Okay, good.”

We come to a stop under one of the bare sycamore trees on campus. The remaining leaves crunch under our feet, already speaking of a fall time past as winter comes in hard and fast.

“Can you believe it’s already November?” Noel asks. This is a conversation we have a lot. You think as a student we would get used to the passage of time, with exams being certain weeks every year, the weeks of our semester being numbered, and more.s

“It’s already going to be week 13,” I say.

“Crazy.”

“And little baby Covington will be here soon.”

“Do you mean baby Julianna?” 

“Sure.”

Noel’s smile turns into a sigh. He pulls me close, bringing me into warmth against the cold. “I would be so scared if that were you,” he says. He holds me tight. “I would worry so much. I do worry for Julie, but I couldn’t imagine that being you.”

“Same, I think my heart would stop out of sheer fright. How could I ever be good enough to be a parent? I hardly know how to handle myself, and you.” I tuck my cold nose into the scarf tied around Noel’s neck. I wouldn’t know what to do. This selfish fear, it stirs in me a deep concern, but at least, I try to think of more ways to help Julie. What does she need? What can we do?

“Babies,” Noel says quietly, more to himself. The word is a fragment to some greater stream of thought.

“You’re not thinking of having children, are you?” I ask.

“Are you?” he counters.

“I asked first, Noel Crane.”

“Nah, of course not. But make sure you don’t get all baby fever on me once Julianna is born,” Noel says.

“Stop naming their baby.”

“We better remind them to come up with a name fast. I don’t think I can wait any longer.” Noel laughs at the predicament of the nameless baby. “We can name her No-name McGee.”

“Noel!” I go to flick his shoulder but in response, he catches my gloved hand and kisses it. From the sky above, a few tiny flecks of snow swirl down to dance around us. I shiver and press against him. Noel lets go of my hand and cups my face instead, with one arm still around me.

“I bet I’d get baby fever with you,” he whispers.

“Oh, stop it.”

“Baby fever, love, can’t stop it now.” He teases me and begins to kiss my face. First my forehead, then my eyebrows to the tip of my nose, chin, and both cheeks. He pauses for a moment, his deep brown eyes looking into mine. He leans in for a kiss.

“Aha—the adultery continues!”

Noel pulls away as the one and only Richard Coad, from my freshman year floor, comes down the sidewalk. He walks hunched with his hands in his leather coat’s pockets and wears a big smile on his face.

“How’s my least-favorite couple?” Richard calls out. Noel turns to greet him.

“If it isn’t our old friend. How’re you doing Richard?”

“Happy Thanksgiving,” I say.  I take a breath, trying to come back to here and now, out of the heady allure that Noel’s touch evoked. Richard comes over to stand with us. He reaches up at the flakes of snow twirling around.

“I’m doing alright, having a good holiday.”

“That’s nice,” I say.

“Well, I would have had a nice holiday if I had somewhere to go. How come you guys didn’t invite me to your dinner this year?”

“Dinner?”

“Yeah, Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone on our floor last year heard about the awesome holiday dinner you all had. I thought, maybe you would think of your old pal Richard this year.”

“Sorry Richard. It really wasn’t anything special,” I say. “You didn’t go see your family this year?”

“Nah. It seemed like too much of a hassle to leave campus with winter break just around the corner,” Richard says. I tried to give him a smile, but this is uncomfortable. At least, it’s not like we knew what plans he had for Thanksgiving. And while Richard always wants to be involved, I think he would have drilled us all with questions and opinions. That might have created quite a tense Friendsgiving. I wonder what Meghan would have said to him if she saw him again. 

“Richard, tell us what you have been up to,” Noel asks, changing the subject. He gives my arm a squeeze. “Doing anything new and exciting as of late?”

“I actually am, believe it or not. I won’t be poor Richard down the hall anymore. Oh no, I’ll be real important because I’m running to be the next Class President!”

“Oh really? Good luck!” Noel says.

“Good for you,” I say. “What is your slogan or main campaign point going to be?”

Richard spread his arms as if imagining a great sign with his name and picture. “My campaign goal will be pizza—everyday!”

“Pizza?”

“Yes, pizza! We get the short end of the stick, you see. With pizza only available to students every Friday and Wednesday at the cafeteria, we have to wait to have our favorite meal only twice a week. Who wants to role out of bed and eat meatloaf when we could have pizza on a Saturday? As tuition paying students, I say we deserve more than that.”

“Really,” I respond. I can’t be too surprised that Richard isn’t focused on any school or social issues. I blow on my gloves and rub my hands together. Noel is watching Richard with a big smile. He is probably glad he doesn’t have to listen to these ideas every single day like he used to on our old floor.

“Richard, that’s actually not a bad idea.”

“Noel, don’t give him false hope,” I warn.

Richard frowns, faking a look of offense. “Ouch, Miss Porter. Your lack of faith stings!”

“How will you accomplish this?” Noel asks. “What’s your plan to get more pizza in the cafeteria?”

“I can’t go spoiling all my plans, now can I? I know you’ll be a senior next year so I can’t have any upper-classmen competition.”

“This is a class presidency, not a student-body presidency,” Noel says. 

“It’s important that I win.”

“Well, I hope you win, Richard,” I say.

“Really?”

“Of course, I wish you the best.”

Richard harumphs at this. “I think you’re just grateful I didn’t blow the horn on your scandalous lifestyle. All thanks to my kind and generous heart. You should be thanking me.”

“Right,” Noel says. He reaches down to take my hand. “It’s been good seeing you Richard, I hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday. We have a walk to finish.”

“Right back at ’cha, Noel buddy. Don’t forget to vote for me when elections come around!”

“Sure thing!” We turn and walk down an alley, away from the road so Richard could continue to wherever he was headed. At the end of our path was a courtyard in the middle of an apartment complex, and further past that is a small neighborhood park. Once the sound of Richard’s footsteps disappeared and we only heard the occasional car going down the road, Noel stopped and pulled me back in.

“That took long enough,” he says. He bends down and kisses me, all warmth and gentleness. I kiss him back and giggle.

“Were you waiting for this?”

“Waiting, hoping, and wishing,” Noel whispers, enunciating each word with a kiss.

“Me too,” I whisper back. Noel holds me for a moment longer, his lips on mine, until he parts and meets me with a smile.

“Noel, hypothetically… if we ever had a baby, what would you like to name it?”

Noel strokes my hair and thinks to himself.

“If it were a boy?” I ask.

“Joel,” he says.

“Joel?”

“Well, I wouldn’t want him to be stuck as Noel the second, or something strange like that.” Noel laughs. The names rhyme, a perfect mirror of the other. “If it were a girl, the name Heather comes to mind.”

“Heather? Noel, I didn’t expect to hear such serious names from you,” I say. He’s put some thought into these, and not as a joke.

“Silly names are fun to come up with—Noelly, Fen, Felicia, Noelle, Libby—but I only do silly names because I want Ben and Julie to have space in choosing the name for their daughter. What if I came in and said a name they both loved? I don’t want the responsibility of naming a kid yet. That’s a lot of creative pressure. What if she grows up, hates her name, and blames Uncle Noel? That would be heartbreaking.”

The dark light of the alley is punctuated by the distant streetlights and faint moon above. These lights and shadows slip over Noel’s face, making his serious concern about names almost comical. Well, it is comical in the way he’s been throwing around ridiculous baby names.

“You don’t want to steal their thunder.”

“I just want to be the silly uncle. You can be the wise aunt who hears of the name they pick and think it is the best name they can go with.”

“They will think of the best name,” I agree. “I have no concern there. I’m excited to hear it.”

Noel squeezes me into a hug. “Me too,” he says. He kisses my cheek once, then straightens up and takes my hand. “But let’s get going, okay? I’m getting a little cold out here.”

I squeeze his hand back. “Yes, let’s go back inside.”

We exit the alley and head back up the street to our apartment. A few cars trundle by on the road that is becoming wet with the falling snow. I tuck myself close to Noel as the wind nips and tugs at our clothes and hair. Nearly back, we break into a trot, eager for the warmth inside.

Joel or Heather, such soft sounding names. While children wouldn’t be in the picture for quite a time to come, the names are sweet as I hold them on my tongue. Names to only be spoken with great love. I should like to meet our Joel or Heather one day. I wonder if I could ever think of a name I would like, where does one begin except with a thought of, ‘that sounds nice.’ 

Chapter 32

Ben:

“Ben, you’re back!” Julie is in the hallway of her apartment as I stumble through the front door. It is 5:00 PM on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Yesterday, on black Friday I worked two shifts at the café for time and a half holiday pay and then all today, getting off early to balance my hours for this week.

I reach up to rub my eyes then drag my hands down my face. Boy am I tired.

“Did you have a lot of customers today?” Julie asks. She comes over and loops her arms around my waist. I’m sure I smell like an unpleasant mix of coffee, sweat, and those double-dark chocolate muffins that I never want to see again.

“Not too many,” I say. “Luckily we aren’t really in the black Friday business, but all the same, ravenous shoppers need a coffee break too.”

“You told me yesterday was terrible.”

“Yes, it was,” I confirm. Many customers who stopped in carried bags upon bags of newly purchased items. One customer would sit at a table for four just to have enough room to set their purchases down as they sank over a cup of coffee. We hardly had open seating for the majority of the day.

“At least it’s over.”

“Yes.” With black Friday, the extra shifts allowed me to enjoy Thanksgiving off and still meet my max cap of hours for the week. I wrap my arms around Julie and pull her close, without squishing her too tight. She buries her face in my chest and breathes in deeply.

“How was your day?” I ask. Julie shrugs and squeezes me tighter.

“It was fine. Sean is here, he’s been helping me figure out where we can start storing all our boxes of diapers. I figured; we can’t have them sitting out in the open in case a pile of them fall on the baby.”

“Fall?” I can’t imagine a couple month-old baby knocking over a stack of boxes.

“They can topple at any moment. We need to make sure everything is safe. Also, it will look junky if we have all those boxes sitting out in the middle of the room.”

“Okay,” I say. “How can I help?”

Julie perks up and let’s go of me. “We were organizing the closet in the living room. Want to see?” Julie leads me into the living room. Sean is sitting on the couch with a half-finished bottle of beer on his knee. He looks contemplative, in an old man way, as he rests there with his legs spread and back buried deep against the couch cushions.

“Hey man, how’re you doing?” I clap his shoulder and plop down on the couch next to him. Sean smiles and reaches out to shake my hand.

“Hey, Ben! Doing great, Julie and I are trying to see how we can make this space work.” The space in question is the closet. Jackets hang up across the length of it and a line of boxes store miscellaneous stuff from each roommate. A vacuum sits against one inner wall and a shelf stretches across the top, unused except for a few pairs of shoes.

“I was thinking,” Julie begins, “if we can put hooks up by the front door or in the hallway, we could hang all our jackets there. We have a few there already, but I think these could all be stored there to free up the closet.”

Our hallway isn’t the widest place in the apartment and many of us live here. “Yeah, but what if we knock over the jackets a lot?” I say.

“We can put over the door hooks on all bedroom doors, hang the jackets that way,” Sean suggests. I’m amazed to hear a non-invention suggestion from Sean.

“Or on the bathroom door, on the hallway side? That door is usually open so that shouldn’t be a problem with space.”

“I know,” Julie says. “Let’s forget the hallway. We have wall space right here.” Julie points to the left side past the end of the hallway where the room opens up. An empty stretch of wall extends into the dining side of this shared living space.

“No one will run into them there.”

“That’s a good idea.”

Julie starts moving jackets, but I jump to my feet and take them from her instead. I ask her to sit down and to tell me where to put everything. The jackets are set on the floor in the dining room as a reminder to hang them up. The boxes at the bottom of the closet are moved to the top shelf, and the vacuum stays where it is. The stray shoes are deposited by Elena’s room and now we are left with lots of empty space.

“That should fit quite a few boxes of supplies,” Julie says. She smiles while cradling her stomach.

“How many diapers are we going to need?” I ask. Sean laughs and makes a face at me.

“You have no idea man; all I’ve ever heard is that the stream of dirty diapers is endless. You’ll want boxes up to the ceiling if you are ever going to have enough.”

I grimace. There are many things I haven’t really thought of yet. “I don’t know how to change a diaper.”

Julie wrinkles her nose and her cheeks flush. “Me neither,” she admits.

“Oh goodness,” Sean says. “Does anyone? What about feeding or your birthing plan?”

“We have a meeting with my OBGYN for another check-up on Monday,” Julie answers. “I was hoping to talk to them about it then.”

“Do that,” Sean says. “Do you know if you want to have a natural birth, have her at home or at the hospital?”

“At the hospital,” Julie answers. “I don’t think I want any assistance with the birth, the idea of that epidural injection before giving birth freaks me out. I don’t like needles. I’m already worried enough.”

“That’s understandable,” Sean says. “I wouldn’t want to do this either. But I can help you with one thing. What time are you guys done with your appointment tomorrow? Meghan and I can come back over, and she can teach you how to change a baby’s diaper.”

“Meghan knows how to change a diaper?”

To me, there is a more concerning point here. “Where will she get the baby?”

Sean snorts into his drink. “She has a baby doll we can use—”

“Of course she does,” I say, rolling my eyes.

Sean continues, “She has lots of young cousins in her family and you know how traditional they all are.”

Julie laughs. “Poor Meghan, I have a feeling this knowledge wasn’t her choice.”

“Not much of a choice.”

Julie looks at me with a shrug. “We can do that tomorrow night, right?”

“I’m working until closing tomorrow. But you can teach me after you learn from Meghan,” I say. “I think it might take me a couple of tries, it’s best if you get it down first without me distracting you.” Julie laughs and says I’m not as much of a bumbling fool as I make myself out to be. I thank her and reach over to pinch her cheek.

A soft knock comes from the front door. We all look at each other.

“Did you lock the door coming in?” Julie asks. Felicity and Noel are out at the art studio, Elena and Tracey are studying at the library.

“Yeah, but it shouldn’t be any of us, right?”

“Unless someone forgot their keys.”

“It must be Felicity, no one else would knock as politely as that,” I say. I leave Sean and Julie on the couch to head into the hallway. The knock echoes again, this time a little louder. “Alright, I’m coming!” I call.

I open the door to not Felicity or a roommate, but a short older woman with dark hair hugging her face and hazel eyes—the exact picture of Julie stands before me.  She carries armfuls of bags and a packet of Huggies diapers in her arms.

“Ms. Anderson?” I ask. What is Julie’s mom doing here?

Carole gives me a tight smile, shifting the bags on her arm. “Hi, Ben, how are you?”

“Ah, let me get those for you.” I reach out and unload her burden. There are two bags of diapers, wet-wipes, and multiple bags that have been tied closed, keeping the contents hidden and probably safe from the wet weather outside.

“Is Julie home?”

“Yes, come inside, please.” I take the bags and lead Carole inside. She takes off her shoes and follows. “Julie, someone’s here to see you!”

Julie, sitting on the couch, straightens up and her eyes grow wide as Carole comes into the living room.

“Carole, what a surprise!” Julie goes to get up but Carole hurries over to her instead and puts her hands on her shoulders. I set her bags down on the floor.

“Don’t get up, stay right where you are. How are you feeling?” Carole asks. Julie, whose stomach now is large enough to take up most of her lap, smiles with her rounded cheeks. She has been struggling with what to wear lately. We’ve been finding any oversized sweaters or nightwear between all of us that she has been borrowing. Right now, she has on one of my old stretched out T-shirts with sweatpants. Julie reaches up to receive a hug from Carole who is buzzing with quiet excitement.

“I’m doing alright,” Julie says. “How was your Thanksgiving?”

“Wonderful, and yours?”

“Really nice,” Julie answers. She turns to Sean. “Have you met our friend Sean? He is Ben’s roommate at their loft.”

“Nice to meet you Sean,” Carole says.

Sean smiles with a hearty ‘hello’ and shakes her hand.

“Nice to finally meet you,” Sean says.

Carole, without further ado, turns to her bags with a clap of her hands. “Julie, I have a few things for you and please feel free to keep or get rid of what you like. I brought over some of the basics, but I really wanted to give these to you.” Carole kneels and unties one of the bags. She does this quickly, opening several of the bags to reveal tons of baby clothes. “I don’t have them in any order, but these are Amanda and Matthew’s from when they were little. Babies grow so fast; I don’t think they had enough time to wear every outfit too much. Some items are like new.”

Bibs, onesies, little hats, headbands, pants, shirts, dresses, and baby-sized sweaters fill each bag. There is a flood of colors and cute designs, all shown to be in good condition. I notice that my mouth has been open. I close it and see how Julie is doing. Her doe eyes have welled up with tears as all the clothes lay before her. This is a wealth of resources, an amount that we haven’t dreamed of being able to provide for our daughter.

Julie’s lip trembles as she brings her hands to her face. “Carole, I don’t know what to say,” Julie says. Carole picks up a yellow onesie and brings it to Julie. She hands it to her and pats her knee as Julie’s eyes don’t move from the piles of clothes.

“They are all yours if you want them. It’s the least I can do.”

Julie blubbers and grips the little onesie in her hand. Carole gets a little teary eyed too. Sean moves over and pats the couch so Carole can join them and sit next to her daughter. Julie just cries and clutches the outfit close.

“I want them all, I love these so much,” Julie says. “Thank you so much!”

Chapter 33

Julie:

Ben and I are waiting at the clinic to see Dr. Gonzalez for today’s prenatal appointment.

“Do you remember the first time I mentioned having a doctor’s appointment to you; you had the gall to ask me, ‘what appointment?’” I ask. I poke Ben’s cheek and give him a smile as his eyes wander from medical poster to medical poster with growing concern. These check-ups always make him nervous.

“R-really? I don’t think so,” Ben responds. He catches my hands and plants a kiss on my knuckles.

“Ew, I’ve touched so many things since we’ve left the apartment,” I complain. “You’ll get sick kissing me like that.” Ben chuckles.

“I’ll be okay,” he says.

“On our way here, were telling me something about your parents?”

“Mom called me to say they’ll arrive December 15th to meet you and prepare for the baby,” Ben says.

“December 15th? That’s only 2 weeks away!”

“Mom wants to be here until the baby is born. She’ll be staying at a hotel. Dad is visiting; he’ll go back home for work then come back when the baby is born.” He falters on saying his dad is coming to visit too.

“It’s all coming so fast,” I say. I reach out and give his hand a squeeze. Ben kisses my shoulder.

“Good morning!” Dr. Gonzalez breezes in. “How are you?”

“Everything is alright,” I answer. “I’m trying to wrap my head around on how it’s December already.”

“Time is flying by for sure. You’ll be starting your weekly prenatal visits here soon too. And as always, I just want to check in and make sure everything is okay. We’ll do a pelvic exam after we discuss your birthing plan. Shall we?”

“Yes, I think I’m ready,” I say. It’s a lot of info and this sort of feels like a pop quiz.

“Are you planning on having the baby at home or at the hospital?” Dr. Gonzalez asks.

“At the hospital—NYC Health in East Village. It’s sort of near our campus.”

“Good. The hospital will have midwifery services available for any point of your pregnancy, giving birth, during the post-partum period, as well as counselling if you need them. Are you interested in any of these services? They are a part of the preventative and outpatient care.”

“I don’t think so, thank you,” I answer.

“What is your plan with school after giving birth? You don’t have to tell me all the details, but have you thought about if and when you will resume classes?”

“I’ve talked to my professors about this. I want to continue going to class but I expect the first month or so I might not be able to be present. My roommates, Ben, and I have been patching our schedules together to see whose home when. Friends will record lectures for me, and some professors said I can bring my baby to class.” I lace my hands around my belly. This question is difficult because part of me wonders if I’m selfish for continuing my schooling when my baby arrives. Shouldn’t I be giving her all my attention? Shouldn’t I sacrifice anything for her?

Dr. Gonzalez looks up from her clipboard that she had been following during our Q & A. “Julie, I think that’s a very brave choice for you to make. While you can always take a break or a year off, your education can is key to you and your baby’s successful future. I admire that you are planning this.”

“She’ll have lots of help,” Ben says.

“Absolutely,” Dr. Gonzalez confirms. “Since you are a college student, we have some funding to connect you with resources such as free diapers, a personal breast pump, and more. Please let us know if you need anything.”

“Thank you.”

“Now, we like to plan our best-case scenarios for pregnancies. Best-case, would you prefer a vaginal or Cesarean pregnancy?”

“Vaginal birth. Cesarean scares me; but, if it’s necessary, I trust the doctors.”

“What are your preferences on painkillers during the pregnancy?”

“No epidural shot, please.”

“Would you like to hold and breastfeed the baby immediately?”

“Yes, please.”

“Who would you like in the room with you?”

I look at Ben and wrap my hands around his arm. “You,” I say to him.

“Only me?” Ben asks. “What about any of your parents?”

“I want you, right there with me.”

“I’ll be there,” Ben says.

“A question for the father,” Dr. Gonzalez announces, “what role would you like to take in the delivery? There are options to be there to catch the baby, cut the umbilical cord—”

“Oh no, I wouldn’t trust myself!” Ben exclaims. “I will hold Julie’s hand and be there for her; but if I’m not doing that, I’m scared I’ll faint under the pressure.”

My chest warms at Ben’s little outburst. I can imagine him being speechless and wide-eyed during the whole situation. But yes, I’ll need him there for sure.

Dr. Gonzalez laughs. “Well, it sounds like we have everything sorted out. Two more questions: how will you be getting to the hospital, and do you need someone to help you learn how to breast feed?”

“I’ll be sure to stay at home within the time around my due date. Ben or one of my roommates can always help me to the hospital with a taxi. Breastfeeding? Yes please, that baffles me.”

***

After my appointment, Ben walks me back to the apartment where Sean, Meghan, and Elena are waiting for me. Ben kisses me and heads off to work until closing at Dean & Deluca’s. Sean had stayed true to his word and brought Meghan over to teach me how to put on and successfully take off a baby diaper. While Carole explained the gist of it to me last night and demonstrated without a baby doll; Meghan has brought a doll of her own to put my newfound skills to the test.

We all sit on the living room floor around a plastic baby doll with drawn on eyeshadow and an array of sticker tattoos.

“I got it as a gag gift,” Meghan says. She sticks out her tongue to anyone questioning her baby’s looks. Elena snorts into her rum and coke which she swears she needs after a stressful half-day of classes.

“Whatever you say, girl.”

Sean picks apart a diaper to see how it works. I pick one up and open the packaging to use. Meghan sits with her back straight and arms-crossed; ready to judge.

From simple light-hearted moments like this one, to study-sessions, sitting late at the café while Ben finishes his shift, or spending every second I can preparing for the life nearly bursting inside of me, the weeks do fly by.

***

Ben:

“Maybe it’s a new beginning. Or maybe you can pretend you are not listening when he speaks?” Felicity suggests. She’s halfway out the door of the apartment and is struggling to get her hair out of her jacket’s zipper. My parents are due to arrive any minute. I check the window to the gray street below full of cars for the third time in a few minutes.

“I can’t ignore him. He takes that as a challenge to be more outrageous,” I say.

“I think, no matter what happens, your dad can be exactly as you describe him, and it’ll make me only admire you more for not being him. No matter what you might fear,” Julie says. She hobbles around the corner from the kitchen and goes on her tippy toes to kiss me on the cheek. I catch her arms before she can, and bend down to receive her kiss.

“You should be sitting!” Felicity yelps from the door. She pulls her hair free and pulls the zipper all the way up. “Stop waddling around!”

Julie scrunches up her face and tries to look tough, which is impossible with her permanently rosy cheeks and rounded figure. She is just too cute. “I am not waddling! I need to pace to get at least some exercise in today. It helps me feel better because everything is just so heavy!”

Felicity waves her hands in defeat. “Okay, okay. Well, I’m off to work. Good luck with the parents!”

Felicity leaves and the door snaps shut behind her.

Julie leans against me and wraps her arms around me. “How are you feeling?” she asks.

“Stressed, unsure, and I am dreading this meeting,” I say. So much is going on, I’m not ready to throw my unhinged and alcoholic father into the mix. “What if he starts bets on when the baby is due?”

“He probably will. But tell yourself that normal people do that too.”

“My dad’s not normal.”

“I know.”

“I’ll go meet them in the lobby, I’ll be right back,” I say. I head downstairs, my feet dragging as I worry over how this will go. But, mothers have a special knack for pushing events onto a steady track, especially as my mom, a woman who will only ever see the positives in her husband, can do.

A short older woman with dark lined eyes and blonde hair sprayed into a voluminous up-do stands in the lobby with bags and a packet of Huggies diapers in her arms.

“Mom? Welcome to New York,” I say, sneaking up behind her. Mom turns around and gives a squeal, dropping all her packages to the ground. The smell of her hairspray, the crinkles at the corners of her eyes are familiar reminders of Palo Alto, now all the way out here in New York City. She gives me a big hug.

“Ben! It is so good to see you! I missed you so much!”

“Hi, mom,” I say. “It’s great to see you too.” Mom breaks away and looks up at me from all the bags at her feet.

“You’re so big. My boy has grown so much,” she says. Tears prick and shine at the corners of her eyes.

“Let me get your things,” I offer. I bend down and start picking up bags of baby supplies, toiletries, and more. As I do so, Dad comes in from outside, waving at the street as if he had just gotten into it with the taxi driver.

“Dang New York traffic. It’s like L.A. but grimy!” His remaining hair is grayer than I remember, and his jowls are more prominent and loose with age. His eyebrows arch and a smile plasters onto his face. “Ben! Look at you!” He comes over for a hug before taking some of the bags.

“And where’s the young lady?” Mom asks. “I’m so excited to meet the dear.”

“I’ll show you upstairs to the apartment,” I say. I lead them, bags, and all, up to our floor and into the apartment to meet Julie. There are more squeals, hugs, and tears. Dad and I stand back and watch mom flit around Julie, making sure she is comfortable and then showing her all the gifts they brought.

“How are you doing?” Dad asks me.

“I’m okay,” I answer.

He takes a big breath and puts his hands in his pockets. “Crazy how things can happen,” he says. “How long have you known her?”

“Almost since college started.”

“Do you feel ready?”

“I don’t think that’s a fair question.”

Dad laughs. “You’re right. I don’t think anyone is. I wasn’t.”

I cringe. I’m not looking for a father son bonding talk at this moment. At the same time, I want it to be clear I’m nothing like him. I will be steady, I will always be with Julie, I won’t let anything make me waver or distract me from her.

“If being ready was a possibility, I am. I am only because I’m with her.”

Chapter 34

Ben is ringing out a customer at café Dean & Deluca. The customer leaves. The camera pans close to Ben’s face.

BEN: Sean? What are you doing?

SEAN: Ben! Speak and look directly at the camera.

BEN: Ben rolls his eyes. No. You’re not making another docu-ventry, are you?

SEAN: Not a docu-VENT-ry. I’m making a tape for your daughter! She’ll want to see how the whole world is waiting for her with excitement.

BEN: The whole world?

SEAN: Well, your parents are here from California. Julie’s parents in New York and her adoptive parents from Maine. The whole world!

BEN: That’s not how it works. He sighs. Sean, this is nice, but can we do this later? Not when I am at work. Plus, you don’t want Javier to see the camera. He’ll never leave you alone.

SEAN: But baby Julie would like to see you at work.

BEN: His expression softens. She’ll understand. I’m busy—go!

***

While Ben is on break, SEAN sits with JAVIER at a table in Dean & Deluca.

JAVIER: I still can’t believe it, I am soooo excited for sweet Julie and handsome Ben! They will have the cutest baby ever! Maybe not as perfect as gorgeous Felicity and dopey Noel, but this will be one of my most favorite babies ever.

SEAN: Have you told any of the expecting parents what your thoughts are about their baby being second in your book?

JAVIER: Oh no. That’s not what I meant. This baby is my favorite because it is the first one here! I love all my children equally.

SEAN: Javier, can you tell me what you want to say to little Julie when she is born?

JAVIER: ‘Little Julie?’ Is that the name they are choosing? I know Ben is not the brightest, but I thought they would pick out a creative name. Goodness.

SEAN: No, that’s not her name. I’m just calling her that since the parents haven’t revealed what they are calling baby Covington yet.

JAVIER: Gasps. Is Ben keeping the baby’s name a secret from us?

SEAN: No, I don’t think they have picked a name yet. 

JAVIER: Ah, I see. Do they need any name suggestions? Are they struggling at what to name their little angel? I’ll have to ask Samuel. He’s the best at naming things.

SEAN: I think they have plenty of suggestions. They have a whole list! Can you tell me something that you would like the baby to know?

JAVIER: He sighs and fixes his glasses. Hmm… Let’s see. I want the little baby to know that Javier will be her favorite and most fabulous uncle. No questions asked, I am here for the cutie. I also have all the sweets so she will like me the best for sure. Sweetie, tell me what your favorite muffin or cookie flavors are, and I will bring them all!

***

SEAN and Noel are in the school cafeteria.

SEAN: Noel! Do you want to share some of your great names with the baby today? Maybe she’ll find one she’ll love to have as a nickname one day.

NOEL: Find one as a nickname? Sean, these are quality suggestions. They can be her first name!

SEAN: You’re right. Can we hear them?

NOEL: Yes! I was thinking of a few more today. There is Penny, Lilly, Nellie, Molly, Susan, Oakley, Janice, Anna, Roma, Jess, Danielle, Ella, Kimberly, Kendra, Winnie, Jen, or Cassie.

SEAN: Hold on. Those name suggestions sound normal. What about Noelle or Felicia like you’ve been saying?

NOEL: Those ones are golden, but I don’t want to overwhelm Ben and Julie with too many great choices, you know?

***

The camera shows the school swimming pool. Lynn is just getting out of the water.

SEAN: Lynn, buddy! Can I talk to you for a second?

LYNN: Oh, sure! What’s up?

SEAN: Can you tell the camera what you would like to say to baby Julie if you could talk to her right now?

LYNN: Well, tell the little one that I know her mom and dad will love her very much. And I’ll be there as her favorite uncle for sure.

SEAN: You’ll be the favorite uncle? It seems we have a lot of potential favorites in the running!

LYNN: Yeah, I guess she does.

SEAN: Lynn, what will you do that’ll make you stand out from the other favorite uncles?

LYNN: I’ll give her swimming lessons when Ben is at work and Julie needs a break. She’ll be swim captain with our help in no time! You could even come to film her first meet, if you’d like.

SEAN: Sean sniffles. That would be an honor.

***

Mr. and Mrs. Covington are outside the apartment waiting for a taxi.

SEAN: Mr. and Mrs. Covington! May I have a word from you? I’m Ben’s roommate.

MRS. COVINGTON: Sean, right? It’s so nice to meet you, dear!

SEAN: It’s nice to finally meet you two as well. Where are you off to?

MR. COVINGTON: I’m off to the airport to go back to work for a few weeks. I’ll be back around the due date when the baby is born.

SEAN: What’s your occupation?

MR. COVINGTON: Lawyer.

SEAN: Oh, a tough man! Very cool. Mrs. Covington, will you be staying with us for a little longer?

MRS. COVINGTON: Yes, I’ll be at the hotel down the street. I can hardly wait until the little one is born!

SEAN: Is there anything you would like to say to the baby before she is born? I’m making a film for her.

MRS. COVINGTON: Oh, yes! I never thought I would say it, but I’m so ready to be a grandmother! You can call me “nana” or “grandma,” whatever you like! I can’t wait to hear your sweet little voice.

MR. COVINGTON: We all are excited to meet you, sweetie. It’s hard to belief, but you can’t change the truth, can you?

SEAN: Not at all, sir. But I bet it means a lot to the expecting couple that you both are here.

A hailed taxi pulls up to the curb.

MR. COVINGTON: That’s me. I promise I’ll be back in no time.

***

Julie is in her room sitting at her desk with a pile of books around her.

SEAN: Julie! The woman of the hour! How are you doing?

JULIE: I’m okay, Sean. How are you?

SEAN: Great! I’m making a baby documentary for the baby to see. Is there anything special that you

want to say to the camera?

JULIE: She smiles but it turns into a sigh. Sean, that’s so sweet but not now. I have 8 assignments coming to an end. Honey, you know I love you, but can we please do this after everything is due?

***

The camera shows Meghan lounging on Sean’s couch at the loft.

MEGHAN: Did you know some cultures believe the placenta is the unborn twin of the baby?

SEAN: No. But that’s interesting.

MEGHAN: There is another belief that if you take pictures of an infant during their first month, they are less likely to survive. You aren’t planning on filming her right away, are you?

SEAN: Meghan, can you answer my question please? What do you want to say to little Julie?

MEGHAN: Meghan slips her sleeve off her shoulder to reveal a neon bra-strap. She laughs. What will you do to make me answer that?

SEAN: Just pay attention and answer the question please.

MEGHAN: But I’m a little distracted. I don’t know what to say. She starts unbuckling one of her studded belts.

SEAN: Meghan!

MEGHAN: You can film me anytime, Sean. But I want your attention right now.

The camera shuts off.

***

TRACY and SEAN are standing in the lobby of the gang’s apartment building.

SEAN: Tracy, we don’t see much of you. What’s up man?

TRACY: I’m doing alright. Preparing for finals. What’s with the camera?

SEAN: I’m making a vlog for Julie and Ben’s baby to watch when she is a little older.

TRACY: Why am I in a video for Julie’s baby?

SEAN: You’re family! Now tell me what’s been going on!

TRACY: Tracy shrugs. I’m waiting for Elena to go study at the library. She’s had me on a real tight schedule lately. The professor hinted she might be only second in our class at the moment.

SEAN: Second to what?

TRACY: Second to having the highest score for the semester. You can imagine how that’d make her feel.

The elevator dings and ELENA enters the lobby.

ELENA: Sean, put that camera away. I heard you’ve been filming everyone this week. Don’t you know we have finals coming up? If you want me to vent about something, it’ll be about you and your camera in my face!

SEAN: No, no, this is for baby Julie! Can you say “hi” to her just for one second?

ELENA: Okay, fine. Her frown flips up into a grin. Hi, baby! Auntie Elena can’t wait to meet you! You are going to be the smartest and the prettiest girl in all of New York City! I’m sure everyone is very excited for you to join us next month. Just be careful, okay?

SEAN: Perfect. Tracy, any message for the baby?

TRACY: Um, good luck? See you soon, I guess?

***

FELICITY: Well, there is a lot I would like to say. I’m not sure what I should say first, though.

SEAN: Take your time. I am in a pinch for content so you can talk as long as you like.

FELICITY: For starters, I am so excited to meet you. Felicity stops talking and looks at Sean, behind the camera. I’m supposed to talk to her, right?

SEAN: Yes, go on.

FELICITY: I am very excited and also very scared. I realize there are many things I don’t know about children and while I am not your mom, I hope I can learn those things too. I can only imagine how Julie is feeling. For example, what if Julie asks me to watch you and I still don’t know how to hold a baby yet? They always say “support their head” but that can’t be the only concern.

SEAN: It’s a lot to take in; but, it sounds like you got it.

FELICITY: We also have to be careful when baby sitting to not heat up any of the breast milk too much. I’ve heard it’s so easy to do that. I wonder if we have enough diapers and I know I don’t know how to make a baby stop crying. Noel says I should just show her my face and shake my hair around a lot. She’ll laugh. Kids do seem to like my hair.

SEAN: I think that is an excellent idea.

FELICITY: I do hope everything goes well. I mean, everything will go okay because you will sit down to watch this one day, but I can’t help but worry. I’ve already talked Sally’s ear off about this situation. I’m sure she is just as eager to hear about you as we are meeting you.

FELICITY is wringing her hands as she tries to think of what to say next.

SEAN: Felicity, I think everything will be fine to. You know what I think of to stay calm?

FELICITY: What is it?

SEAN: I imagine all that we’ll do together. Can you put the camera on me for a second?

FELICITY: Yes, of course.

FELICITY takes the camera and turns it on SEAN. He is sitting across from her on the couch at her apartment.

SEAN: I imagine Ben holding the baby and just staring at her. I imagine Julie singing her songs and teaching her the guitar. I imagine you sketching her and Noel showing her games. Elena will make her into her own little study buddy and Meghan will dress her up. This baby will have so much love and that feeling of warmth tells me everything will be all right.

FELICITY: That’s beautiful. What do you imagine doing with the baby?

SEAN: I want to make her the greatest toys and make her parents only the best inventions to make their lives easier. I have a real good feeling about this.

Chapter 35

Julie:

The calendar above our kitchen counter has today, December 20th, circled in thick red marker. Today was the last day of finals and the last day of our fall semester.

“I can’t believe you’re already halfway done with your sophomore year in college,” mom (Mrs. Emrick) says over the phone. I balance the phone between my shoulder and chin as the cord trails over my back and to the wall. I twist off the lid of a peanut butter jar and pick up a butter knife in my other hand. I’ve been craving peanut butter sandwiches lately. Thank goodness it’s a normal craving.

“I know, while each individual day felt long, I feel like the semester really flew by,” I say.

“How did your exams go?”

“Okay! I only had my poetry exam this morning. The hardest part was sitting at the desk for so long. I just wanted to get up and move around, I felt so uncomfortable.” Poetry was my final exam for the week, but that idea brought me no comfort as I struggled to remember the line differences between villanelle poems, limericks, elegies, or odes. I am sure I mixed them up or got something wrong as my baby kicked and made a fuss inside me. I can just forget trying to concentrate in this condition. “I hope I didn’t fail.”

“It sounded like you were doing well in poetry this semester. I’m sure you are just nervous about the results—everything should be fine!”

“Thanks mom.”

“Be sure to let me know when you get your results back. I’d love to know.”

“Of course.” Mom’s constant cheerleading and support always knows how to make me smile. Even thought I’m sure my results will be trash.

I pick up a banana from our fruit bowl and open it up. I cut slices and lay them out on my open sandwich. Mom asks about everyone else’s exams. Ben is currently at work, Felicity, Noel, and Elena all are still in their sessions. It’s rare I’m in the apartment by myself with so many of us in here.

“I saw on the news there is a snowstorm heading your way today, so be sure not to go outside if you don’t have to,” Mom says.

“Okay, we should be fine here,” I answer. “I do hope everyone gets back soon. Ben isn’t working too late tonight, but he just walks to work so the traffic won’t be a problem for him.”

            I take the now empty banana peel and walk it over to the trash can with the phone cord trailing behind me. It stretches and strains over my shoulder. At the trash can, a sour smell leaks into the air. I wrinkle my nose and hold my breath as I push the banana peel in. I’ll need to take that out. I am not waiting for anyone to come home to do it if I have to smell that stench.

“Hopefully it doesn’t snow too much. You don’t want to be stuck inside after you are finally free of your exams. Dad and I will be out in a few days to see you for the holidays too. I can’t wait to see you! I’m sure your belly is looking so big!”

“It is, it’s weird! But, I am excited to see you too,” I respond. I touch my stomach and press my palm against the growing warmth. I almost surprise myself each time I look in the mirror. Pregnant. How could this be me? I hardly recognize myself even though it’s been 8 months. This isn’t a reality I think I’ll ever get used to. What’ll it be like when I look into my baby’s eyes and see myself? Or Ben? That’s harder to believe than what I now see in the mirror too.

“B sure to stay warm and we love you very much. I’ll let you go now—I’m sure you want to take some time to rest after all that work today,” mom says.

“Thanks, mom. I’ll be sure to rest. Tell dad I said hi, okay?”

“Absolutely. Love you, Julie.”

“Love you, mom. Bye.” I shuffle to the wall and hang up the phone. Time to take the trash out.

As students during our first year, we had the great inconvenience in our freshman building of no trash chutes on our floor. That might have been because the building was run down, and it was removed some years ago. Or who would really trust college freshman with such a device, city kids or not?

Anyways, a welcome upgrade in our new building this year is the trash chute right in our hallway. It’s a luxury I will always be grateful for. Usually, one of the boys take the trash out after dinner each night but someone must have forgotten. I put the final piece of bread onto my sandwich and wash my hands. I slip on my fuzzy house slippers and go get the trash, drop the can’s lid on the floor and unceremoniously tie a messy knot on the bag.

“Up we go,” I say. I lift the bag up and carry it out to the hallway. Scuffling over the maroon carpet outside, I pass a few apartment doors until I am at the end of the hall where the trash chute watches from its place on the wall. Except, yellow and black tape cover the metal and a handwritten sign on it says: Out of Service—from Management.

“Out of service?” I repeat. “Oh great. This is just what I need.” I go back to the apartment and drop the garbage by the door. I step inside to pull on my winter jacket and pick up my keys off the counter. I exit back out to the hallway and close the door behind me.

“Let’s go find where I can throw you away,” I tell the trash bag as I pick it up. I’ve never thrown anything away by the dumpsters in this building and I’m not really sure where they are. It’ll be a little adventure. I hold the bag away from my body as the smell floats up to me. A stinky adventure.

Taking the elevator down to the lobby, I hold the garbage as if it’s as normal as a suitcase or purse as the other residents are carrying back and forth from the elevators to the doors out front. At the front desk, Nigel, one of the doormen wave me down.

“I’ll get that door for you, Miss Emrick.” He scoots around the desk where he had been talking to Pam, the receptionist, and heads to the door in an energetic gait.

“Thank you, Nigel,” I say.

“Would you like me to take that trash for you?” Nigel offers. He opens the door and a blistery gust bursts in from the street. December has brought its fair share of snow and storms, but it’s been rather calm lately with only morning flurries and accumulations of snow that are well within the city’s means to keep up with and maintain. 

I step outside and accept the cold rush of air on my inhale. I shiver but lock eyes with a beautiful blue sky. Only a few flakes float down from unseen clouds, New York City in a snow globe.

“No thank you, I think I got it. While it is cold, I do appreciate stepping outside. It’s been a busy day,” I answer.

“Of course, I’ll be here when you come back in. Maintenance says the chute should be back up and running by tomorrow or the following day.”

“What happened to it?”

“Some resident on floor five decided to put their entire computer in the chute. You know how big those things are. There was a big jam of garbage from the other floors after that,” Nigel says.

“Oh, wow. That’s not something I would think of doing.”

“Not at all. I’ll see you when you come back in!” Nigel doffed his hat and starts to go back inside.

“Nigel! One moment. Can you tell me where the dumpsters are?” I ask.

Nigel pauses and points towards the end of the building. “Walk right down that alley there, around the building, and you’ll find them in the back.”

“Thank you!” I wave goodbye and walk to the alleyway. The snowflakes swirling in the air begin to thicken. One lands on my eyelash and another melts on my nose. Up the road, the sky is dark. Mom did say a big storm was coming in today.

The alley at the side of our apartment building is lined with icicles from leaky gutters and pitted walls. Careful not to slip, I follow a maintenance worker’s heavy-handed trail of salt. I wish I thought ahead to put boots on instead of wearing only slippers. I can’t even wear these slippers back in the apartment now that they are out in this slush.

Finally, as a wind starts to rise and whisper cold promises between these tower walls, I find the back entrance to the apartment complex with a row of dumpsters along the side. I throw the bag up and into one of them and quickly retreat. I shove my hands in my pockets and try to pick my way across the slippery ground quicker than before when a twinge shoots through my stomach and abdomen. I stop and grasp my belly.

What was that? I groan and massage the sides of my stomach as a rambunctious kick makes itself known. “You little troublemaker,” I say. “Don’t scare your momma like that.” Grasping the edges of my coat and pulling it tighter around myself, I check the empty alley behind me. Everything, now including the sky is gray. There is no one else in the alleyway either.

“Let’s get inside, it’s cold.” I tread the rest of my way out of the alley carefully and back to the busy street. Cars amble by as slush is splattered onto the curb. Horns blare and the red light at the corner, followed by the many blocks past it turn green.

I hope everyone gets home soon before the storm comes in.

Chapter 36

Julie:

Nigel is back at the front door, holding it open for a family parading outside in a montage of colorful gloves, scarves, jackets, and pom-pom hats. He gives me a wave and beckons me to come inside.

I oblige and hurry forward when there is another twinge and suddenly, a rush of warmth between my legs. A wet warmth. I slide to a stop on the sidewalk and utter a gasp. I try to pull my jacket down to cover me but at least I am wearing dark colored sweatpants. What happened? What did I—

“Were you able to find it?” Nigel asks. “I was thinking of sending a rescue crew out to find you if this snow started coming down too fast.” He is looking at me with one hand extended in my direction but his smile falters as I fail to answer. “I don’t mean to say you couldn’t find the dumpsters. I was just kidding—Julie, are you okay?”

I’m not answering him.  In fact, I’m frozen in place, slightly hunched with my legs wide, straddled, like a newborn colt learning how to walk. It’s as if I could move away from this uncomfortable feeling—quickly becoming cold in the wintery environment.

Nigel comes over to me and braces my shoulders as if I’m about to fall.

“No, I, um… I think my water broke?”

“What?!” Nigel jumps with surprise. Instantly, he puts an arm around my back and grasps my arm as if I can’t walk. “Let’s get you inside, I’ll call you a cab. Use the phone at the front desk to call anyone you need, okay? Are any of your roommate upstairs? Do you need me to get anyone for you?”

“I’m alone home—I need Ben. Can I call Ben?”

“Yes, we’ll call him as soon as we get you to the desk.”

Nigel leads me inside where Pam is talking to a postman.

“Pam! We need your phone, Mrs. Emrick is having her baby!”

Pam, a smiley woman with round glasses, gasps, and leaps for the receiver. “Of course, let me go get you a cab first. Nigel, you can use the phone as she needs it.” Nigel presses the phone into my hand, and I find myself stumbling over what numbers create any of the phone numbers I know.

“Do you remember who you need to call?” Nigel asks.

“I think? Um, Dean & Deluca’s Café. I need to talk to Ben.” Ben has to know. He needs to be here right now. I really do need him. As my thumbs are prone above the keypad, Nigel takes the phone out of my hands and talks to the operator to connect my call.

The baby’s coming. I thought I still had a month until she was going to get here. A month felt too soon. A month was way too close to this reality.

“Here honey, please sit down,” Pam says. She’s come back inside from the street and helps me sit in one of the desk’s chairs. She kneels in front of me to meet my eyes. “I’ve hailed you a cab. It’s waiting just outside for when you are ready. Is there anything you need out of your apartment before you go? Can I get you anything?” 

“I don’t know, I—”

“Here, let her get on the phone first,” Nigel says. The phone is held up to my ear, the bottom knocking on my chin as Javier’s bubbly voice fills the silence.

“Julie! I know that is you calling, I wanted to say hi first to one of my favorite gals before I hand you over to Ben. How are you? How’s the baby? I hope you are warm on this chilly day!”

“Javier?” I ask. “Javier, I need to talk to Ben, please.”

“But what about me?” Javier whines. He harumphs into the phone. “Oh, alright. But do say something to me after you are done talking to pretty boy, okay? I miss you!” Javier’s voice suddenly gets quiet as if he is pulled away from the phone. Ben replaces him, his husky voice, light with annoyance, and only slightly muddled by Javier’s squeals in the background fill me with warmth.

“Julie? How are you? Is everything okay?”

“Ben—the baby’s coming.”

“What? Right now?”

“I need you to leave work and meet me at the hospital. I think she’s coming right now,” I urge. My hands are shaking as I speak.

“Okay, what happened? Are you feeling okay? I’ll be there as soon as I can. Did your water break?”

“Yes.”

“Is anyone with you?”

“No, I’m with Nigel and Pam in the apartment lobby—”

“Who?”

Nigel and Pam hover nearby as the lobby doors open and someone steps in from the now raging wind outside. Sheets of snow escape inside to skitter across the floor. The storm is already here. The man who just entered unwraps a scarf from around his face with cold-red hands and the big dopey smile I know so well lights up with a laugh and a wow.

“Noel!” I cry. I almost drop the phone at his appearance. Noel whips around, surprised to see me behind the front desk. “Noel’s here,” I say to Ben. “He can go with me, it’s okay—please be careful meeting me there. I need you—”

“Julie, I’m on my way. Of course, I’ll be there, and you be careful. Tell Noel to go get anything you need. We don’t know how long you’ll be at the hospital, okay?”

“Okay. Love you,” I say. Ben has already hung up. My hands tremble so hard that I drop the phone onto my belly. Noel has come over to the desk and was filled in by Pam and Nigel.

“Julie, do you need anything in the apartment besides your hospital bag? Extra socks? Some food?" Noel asks. His hair is wet, and his face is red after walking home from class.

“No, just my bag and some shoes.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back.”

Noel runs for the elevator. Pam comes over to help me up. “We’ll get you situated in the taxi in time for Noel to come back,” she says. She and Nigel both take an arm and lead me towards the door outside. I’m not unable to walk, I’m not in pain, but the nerves that are racing through my body—spiraling from every end to hand, my hair, my mouth, and toes…every part of my feels electrified. I’m so scared, so startled, and so nervously excited all at once that all the clustering emotions boil down to an overwhelming stupor of shock.

Is this really happening right now? Has the time already come? I barely notice the cold as we go back outside, and I am helped into the back of a taxi. The driver is given directions to wait and the world outside is all white and gray. Time moves oddly as Noel is back with me, telling the driver which hospital we are going to. My hospital bag is set next to me, and Noel bends over to help me put on a warm pair of socks and boots. He layers me up with a scarf, hat, and gloves; much like the family I saw leaving our apartment building earlier.

“Everything’s going to be okay, okay? You’re going to be alright,” Noel says to me. He is holding my hands and trying to stop me from shaking. “Ben will meet us at the hospital. I left a note on the counter along with your list of who to call for Felicity or Elena when they get home next. You don’t have to worry about a thing Julie, everything will be okay.”

Ben:

Traffic is impossible. I left work at Dean & Deluca’s in a rush. Javier asked too many questions and wanted to come along, Felicity held him back and told me to go. I don’t think I remembered to punch out. I certainly didn’t remember to take off my hair net either. Pulling my hair net out off my head and letting it drop onto the floor of the taxi I just hailed, I take a breath as we sit in immovable traffic.

“Is there a subway entrance by the NYC Health in East Village?” I ask the driver. I’m about to run at this point if the roads do not clear up.

The driver looks up at me from under bushy eyebrows in the car’s rearview mirror. “East Village? You can connect to the L and get off at 1 Av. That’ll put you about 2 blocks away. You’ll want to go towards the East River, go down Avenue A then take a left onto East 13th Street. The hospital will be around there, right before you hit Avenue B on the other side.”

“Between Avenue A and B?”

“Yes.”

“Can you let me out?”

Paying the cab, I rush outside into the cold. I run until I come across the subway and hurry downstairs. I race through stiles, pass through bundled up crowds, and push my way onto the first train. I am jittery as I wait. I need to get to Julie as soon as possible. When the train comes to a halt, I run to the L line and soon, despite time stretching and melding into some unknown phenomenon around me, I reach the aboveground of station 1 Av on East 14th street.

The cars filling the roads of East Village are just as mired as the snow-covered drivers on campus. I take a breath then launch into a run towards Avenue A. From Avenue A to East 13th Street, I hope I don’t slip and fall. I need to keep moving and before I know it, as the cold air tears my lungs and burns my nose—East Village’s NYC Health comes into view. I made it.

I run into the front doors and enter a well-lit lobby. Potential patients linger in rows of chairs and a woman sits at the front desk. Everyone is so calm while my own heart is about to burst into pieces.

“Excuse me,” I say to the receptionist. “My girlfriend, Julie Emrick is supposed to be here. She’s going into labor. I’m the father.”

“Let me see… and what is your name?”

“Ben Covington.” She reads something for a moment before looking back at me.

“Yes, let me have someone lead you to her room,” she says. A nurse who is sitting nearby gets up and offers to help. I follow her back into a maze of hallways and bright light. We rush through and come to a room where the door is slightly ajar. She goes in first,

“The father is here!” she announces.

The room opens up to show two beds, one empty and one occupied with my Julie laying down with her knees up. Her face is flush and her lips are pursued as she concentrates. A doctor is standing before her with his hands on her knees, leading her through a breathing exercise. Noel is at her side, chanting along.

“Good!” the doctor exclaims. “Hurry now, you’re just in time.”

“Thank goodness! Julie, he’s here!” Noel says. Noel squeezes Julie’s hand before running over to me.

“I’m so glad you made it on time,” he says. “I’m so glad I don’t have to see this; I’m feeling a little faint.”

“Thanks, Noel.” Noel leaves the room. I hurry over to Julie’s side and grasp her hands just as the doctor tells her to take a deep breath than expel the air in three short bursts. Then, he says to push. It’s already happening.

The pattern of “push” and “take a breath” are a back and forth rhythm. It’s a countdown with no sure end, as if on New Year’s Eve, you count up from 1 and watch the ball recede up into the sky, unsure of when the confetti will burst and people will kiss and hug, “Happy New Years!”

Julie struggles. When it is someone you so desperately love, it’s hard to tell if the process is going normally or if the heightened nerves and newness to this situation are actually signs of things going wrong. Is she supposed to cry this much? Is the birthing taking too long?

Julie’s hands in mine are striped white and red as the tendons stretch and the muscles squeeze down on my cramping hands. Her fingernail beds are all white with the tension and pressure in her grip. Her mouth is open, exposing her teeth as she lets out a silent cry, more gasping air than sound. Julie’s head, after the climax of another push, drops back to her pillow. Her lips curl and she breathes three short bursts. I take a deep breath and mimic her, chiming in with the doctor’s calls of push and 1, 2, 3 coming now from within the tent of hospital bed sheets and Julie’s legs.

“You’re doing great Miss Emrick, keep pushing!” the doctor yells. Julie continues, her hands trembling in mine. Or mine trembling in hers.

Did I tell her I love her enough before today? What if something happens and I didn’t say it to her enough? I love you, Julie. Every moment I should be telling you every day, ever second that I lay eyes on your beauty. I will never not say it to you. Last year, before you came back to me, I took your love for granted but now, I know we have a big future out in front of us and I’ll be sure to tell you how much I love you the entire time. The entire time as it will be you, me, and the little one.

Julie’s struggles and the exhaustion beads sweat upon her brow and down her face. Suddenly her body releases the tension and a great sigh escapes when the doctor shouts, “Here she is!”

The peal of a soft cry opens into the air.

 Chapter 37

Ben:

Everyone knows the dramatic movie birth scenes with screaming mothers and bloody shots of forceps being picked up, harrowing diagnoses, and panic, all resolving in blissfully seeing your child for the first time. The lifetime movies feed my fears but when the first cry of our child echoed around the cold hospital room, every sound and rush of movement dulls as nothing else registers. I don’t hear or recognize a thing as I turn away from Julie to see our daughter, a mottled mess of red, blue, and purple, in the doctor’s arms.

Julie’s head rolls on her pillow as she tries to look up at all the commotion.

“Where is she?” Julie mumbles. “Is she okay?”

“You did great, Miss Emrick,” a nurse says. “You gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Healthy too!” Julie squeezes my numb fingers, her eyes searching, following the small body between the doctors.

The medical team flurries back and forth to check on the screaming newborn and to complete a rush of tests. I try to keep track of our little one but she is lost in the rush of blue and white uniforms. Soon, a nurse approaches with or little girl bundled up in a pink blanket. The nurse presses the baby to Julie’s chest. 

“Oh, my gosh,” Julie whispers. She holds the baby delicately, glued to the twin hazel eyes staring right back up at her. “She’s really here.”

“I can't believe it...” my voice catches, dry from staring opened mouth in the moment. I pull my chair up against the bed and wrap my arms around both my girls. Julie's eyes do not leave the baby for a second, but she leans her head against mine and we watch as the baby's eyes open and close in the silence of our little piece of heaven.

After what feels like a blissful eternity, the doctors take the baby back to perform a few more checks. The nurses return to help Julie through her afterbirth and help her clean up, teach her how to feed, and then help her get comfortable in bed. After the room falls silent again, Julie’s eyes grow heavy, and she begins to relax back against her bed.

“I'll be right here. I'll keep an eye on her if you want to get some sleep. You did the hardest part,” I say. I kiss her on the cheek and brush her hair out of her face. “I won't let her out of my sight. Get some rest.” Julie closes her eyes and almost immediately falls asleep. A nurse comes back over with the baby and hands her to me. I reach out awkwardly and accept the bundle in my arms. My elbows and shoulders all stick out as if I am an unwieldy wooden marionette, unsure of how to hold her. I am scared of holding her too tight, accidentally dropping her, or not giving her the support she needs. The nurse helps to guide the baby onto my chest and then steps away to let us have a quiet moment.

The baby is a soft weight on my chest, her little breath warming my skin. I tuck her close and lose myself in her peace.

Last spring, I never would have imagined this moment. To go through losing Julie and thinking I would never be with her nor ever be in her presence again after how we ended things but now I have not only gained her back, but we have gained much more than what I had before. It is no longer just Julie and I, as much as that was unfathomable at one point. Now, it is our little family. Maybe one day in the future we will take her to that special beach house and show her how the morning sun reflects on the sand and view the depths of that swirling midnight ocean.

I can’t wait to bring her home and introduce her into our lives. To have this little cherub there to greet me each day at home… I kiss her little head and rub my hand on her back as a twinge pulls at my heart. How could I ever leave her alone? Even if she is at home with Julie? The idea of separation, even going to a single shift at work despite the hours I’ve been overloading is painful. I can’t imagine myself anywhere or doing anything ever again without this little one right here.

The baby’s face is a splotchy red with a whisp of brown hair on the crown of her head. The skin around her eyes is wrinkled as if she has sustained a week-long all-nighter and her little lips open up to reveal pink fleshy gums. But the softness of her skin, her little button nose, and warmth pull in all my love and adoration. I tickle her nose and she wrinkles it, the wrinkle spreading to darken her entire face as she lets out a hiccupping cry.

“Ah—I’m sorry—” I brush her cheek with my knuckle and readjust, holding onto her gently. “Come on, I didn’t mean too—”

A nurse comes back into the room with two cups of water in her hand. She puts the water down and comes over to see the baby.

“Is this your first one?”

“Y-yes. How can you tell?” I ask. She laughs.

“How can I not? This little one is just testing out her lungs, don’t worry. You can’t hurt her with a gentle touch,” she explains. She has kind eyes and looks old enough to have a family of her own. I take a deep breath and begin rocking as my baby continues to whimper.

“Let us know if you need anything else. We’ll be back to check in on Miss Emrick periodically. If she wants to take a shower, there is one in the bathroom as well as several items and hygiene products she is welcome to use.”

“Thank you,” I say. The nurse leaves. I start to shush the little one and kiss the top of her head. Julie stirs in her sleep and peeks at us with a sleepy smile.

“My little Freya Rose...”

“I thought you were asleep,” I whisper.

“You both look too cute,” Julie whispers.

I get up as Julie scoots over in her bed so I can join her. I carefully pass the baby to her and lie down. I tuck my head against Julie’s shoulder and memorize our daughter’s pudgy cheeks and puckered mouth.

“Did you decide on a name? Are we going with ‘Freya Rose?’” I ask. Julie nods.

“I want her to be unique, poetic.”

“It’s a beautiful name.”

“—special.”

Julie smiles, her whole face glowing with warmth. Freya Rose coos and opens and closes her mouth, as if trying out this new world around her.

“I think it’s perfect.”

Julie:

The first clear moment I had was when Freya Rose was returned to my arms. The day had been full of worry, fear, pain, and the massive task of trying to hold myself together while following the many directions flying my way at once. Orders to breathe, sit up, lie down, count, and so on. I was so overwhelmed but once Freya Rose was in my arms, everything came into one beautiful crystalline view.

Freya is tucked away in her blanket but the warmth of her body and her teeny tiny heart beating away thrums against my chest. Her big eyes are open, but I am not sure if she can see me. I’m not actually sure what babies are supposed to and can do at this age... but I know she knows I am here because she stopped crying as soon as she was in my arms.

“What am I going to do with you?” I ask her. I kiss her forehead and stroke the lines in her cheek smooth. “Are you going to come to class with me, little one? Shall I teach you how to write and sing? I know I’ll be singing to you every night...”

Ben rests against my shoulder and his hair tickles my cheek. He pats Freya’s head, gently stroking her.

“Just wait until we can bring her home to the nursey,” he whispers. “You can meet everyone too and be the star of every conversation.”

“She’ll get all our attention. I’ll spend every moment with you,” I whisper. I kiss her again and again before relaxing back with Ben’s arms around the both of us. My mind is swimming now that everything is okay. What will I do and how I will handle having a child while in school, during my work shifts, in between my gigs?

My worries are interrupted as I am again drawn into her adorable wide eyes and soft mewling noises. Freya Rose, you are my everything, my sweetest, the gentlest...

Ben kisses my cheek.

“How are you doing? How are you feeling?” Ben asks. “Do you need me to get you anything?”

“I’m fine,” I say. “Don’t go anywhere, I want to stay like this for a little while.”

“Of course. I’ll stay as long as you want me too.”

“I always want you with me. With us...”

Ben chuckles. He pats Freya’s nose, this time without her crying, and wipes his thumb across her eyebrows with his thumb, taking in every detail he can. “I couldn’t be happier, or prouder of you,” he says. “I’m glad you are okay.”

“You’ll have to tell me how this all went later when I’m more coherent. I’m not sure if I’ll remember much in all the excitement!” I exclaim. Honestly, I’m trying to piece together how I’ve been blessed with so much love and warmth in one moment. How we have a beautiful daughter. How we are now a family and more importantly… I am a mother who will keep and raise her daughter, a daughter who will never have to wonder about who her family really is. A daughter who will always know her mother and can guarantee that her mother will always be there for her.

Tears trickle out of the corner of my eye and soak into the pillow.

“What’s wrong?” Ben asks. I try to shake my head without disturbing Freya.

“It’s nothing, I just—I am so amazed at what we have. I think I’ll keep saying that over and over again for months to come.”

Ben smiles. “Me too. She will be so loved.” More tears leak down, streaking down my rapidly reddening cheeks.

“Yes, she will be. It’s just hard to imagine how to be a mother. Especially when...”

“You will be excellent. I think your love will come from an even deeper place because you have always wanted that kind of love from your own mother. Your care and compassion will come naturally to you and even better, it will be stronger because you value that.”

“You sound so sure,” I say.

“I know you love me. And I can feel how instant my love is for Freya Rose. I can only begin to... fathom what you are feeling toward her.” Little Freya opens her mouth to a pink-gummed yawn, before wriggling, scrunching her cheeks up against my sternum.

“It is hard to imagine...”

“But you are already doing it and if it helps—you are already doing more than Carol ever did. I don’t think you need to worry and don’t be hard on yourself if you do make some mistakes. That’s what parenting is.”

“Ben… thank you. But you know, the same goes for you. I know you are bad at taking your own advice,” I tease. Ben kisses my nose and then presses a warm kiss to my lips as he tries not to wake up the baby.

“I’ll try my best. I don’t exactly have loving role models either.”

“We have a rough guide on what not to do,” I add.

Ben tucks himself in closer and little Freya’s eyes begin to close. Even though she just got here, she has had a very big day. Exhaustion begins to pull on me again and I let myself relax in Ben’s arms.

 Chapter 38

The hospital hallways are brightly lit by a track of fluorescent lights. Nurses and doctors go back and forth between rooms as they complete their rounds and check in on various patients. Down the hall and around a corner, an old blue carpet stretches across a wide-open expanse where dozens of chairs and old bench seats populate the floor’s waiting room. Sitting across the room and looking out a window, is Noel.

Noel has a crumpled-up bag of pretzels and several flavors of Lays sitting on the table next to him. He is crunching an empty water bottle in his hand as the anxiety that is written plainly across his face flushes his skin a deep scarlet. I walk over to him and clear my throat.

            “Hey, Noel?”

Noel launches upright, his water bottle plops to the ground and his various wrappers roll off the table with his sudden movement. Noel looks up at me with wide eyes before jumping up out of this chair. Noel grasps my shoulders and begins to shake me as he stutters and shouts.

“Ben! Ben, oh Ben! How is she? Is Julie okay? How's the baby?!”

I wriggle out of his grip and firmly grasp his arms to keep him still. “She's okay. They are both alright!”

Noel deflates and lets out a huge breath of air. He closes his eyes for a moment and rubs his face.

“Oh, thank God,” Noel says. “I am so glad they are alright.” Noel puts his hands in his hair and looks back out the window. “I didn't know how much longer I could wait here. I swear I hassled every nurse and doctor that walked through this room. They must have my name on a list at this point!”

 “Well, the wait is over. Julie’s ready for a few visitors if you would like to come meet the baby?” I ask.

“Absolutely,” Noel exclaims. Noel bends down to hurriedly pick up his wrappers which he piles in his arms. He gives me a sheepish look. “I like to snack when I'm nervous...”

 “Come on, let's go.” Noel runs over to a garbage can, hunching over like a little gremlin with his expired bounty in his arms. He tosses the wrappers away and jogs back over to my side. I lead him down the hall and show him the way to Julie’s room. Noel bounces with excitement and keeps wiping his hands on his pants. His nerves are making me nervous as if I haven't even seen the baby yet myself!

When Noel and I reach the door of Julie’s room, Noel hangs back and looks at me as if he is unsure whether he can enter or not. I wave him in on ahead and follow him inside.

Julie is sitting up in her bed with baby Freya Rose in her arms. Noel enters quietly at first but then his hands fly to his face as he gasps. His brow crinkles to cover his eyes with worried concern but happy tears spring up at the corners of his eyes. Noel carefully walks over to the bed, as if any sudden movement would scare the baby or distress the new mother. He kneels down at the bedside and takes Julie’s arm into his hands.

“I can’t—I can’t believe it. She is so beautiful. So precious!” Noel whimpers. Julie frees her hand and takes Noel’s hands. Noel grasps her hand tight with his eyes on the baby. He looks like a golden retriever sitting still with its favorite toy sitting right in front of it, not allowed to go and get it yet but is enamored all the same. Julie chuckles.

“You can touch her if you want,” Julie says. “Would you like to hold her?”

Noel shakes his head, not in denial but to take in the moment. He reaches out and gently strokes Freya’s face, flinching as she yawns and settles against Julie’s chest.

“She really is here… You guys are really parents…” Noel’s already misty eyes overflow and one big tear slips down his cheek. Julie frowns but her eyes shimmer into a watery smile too as her lips quiver in an attempt to not cry. She bursts into tears and covers her face.

“What? What did you do?!” I rush over to the side of the bed as Julie begins to laugh.

“I’m just so emotional! Noel, you can’t come in here and be a big crybaby! You’re going to make me cry!” Julie explains.

“Well, I just don’t know what to do! I was so scared but now I’m so happy?! You need to distract me with something. Tell me—did you name her yet?”

Julie extracts her arm away from Noel and wipes her eyes. She lifts Freya to present to him and gently guides his hands so she can place the baby in his arms.

“Freya Rose, this is your uncle, Noel—”

I groan. “Noel is alright, but I don’t want him related to our baby,” I mutter, twisting my lips into a smile.

“Oh, don’t you take this away from me!” Noel exclaims. “Freya Rose, I am here for you if you ever need anything! I will be the best uncle ever and I swear to you I’ll make sure you are all smiles every day all day!” 

Little Freya looks up, just a face in a mass of blankets, at this new person talking to her. I smile, trying not to laugh at the juxtaposition of Noel’s earnestness and Freya’s blank, not-understanding, stare.

There is a knock at the door. A nurse appears and waves at Julie.

“Miss Emrick, are you ready for more visitors? I believe two of your friends have arrived.”

Before any of us can answer, the door opens wider and both Sean and Megan come in with their arms full of bags and boxes.

“Julie!!” Sean shouts. The packages he was carrying are haphazardly thrown toward Megan and those that do not make it, fall to the ground with a crash. Freya startles, her eyes going wide and her little hands flexing, but she doesn’t react any further to the commotion. Maybe she will be a good fit for our lifestyle and all the crazy uncles and aunts she is going to have.

“Sean! How did you get here? How did you even know to be here?” Julie asks.

“Elena called me and let me know it was happening. She and Tracy should be here once they get out of class,” Sean answers as he rushes over to the side of the bed.

Megan drops the boxes and bags she is carrying and rolls her eyes. “But she also said we should give you some space and let you get accustomed to the new baby,” Megan says. “But you know this one.”

“Oh, no worries at all I’m glad to see you!” Julie says. Megan softens into a smile and comes over to the bed. Megan reaches out for Freya and Julie carefully hands her over. I lean over and lend my hand to Freya’s head, keeping her supported during the transfer.

“I’m still amazed you know what to do with children,” I joke. Megan shoots me a withering look, but it does not effect her smile as she returns to look down at Freya. “You get a big family with lots of kids when you come for a family like mine.” Megan carefully passes Freya Rose over to Sean and guides his hands to carefully hold her head and tucks her safely against his chest. Sean’s eyes go watery as his large hands dwarf Freya’s little body.

“Why did you bring so many things again? You already stocked up our apartment with baby supplies,” I ask. Both Sean’s kindness and enthusiasm know no bounds. “How are we going to get Julie home with all this stuff? It’s already going to be hard to get her to the taxi, let alone carry everything.”

Megan, who is now setting up a few takeout boxes on Julie’s bedside stand, shrugs and hands a box of rice to me. “Do you think Sean will let us leave your side until you all are safely home? We’ll follow you home and carry all this up for you. He didn’t want to spend all his time waiting in the hospital, so he anxiously shopped until we could come visit…”

Megan begins setting up the boxes along the windowsill and opening up a few. “We brought you guys some lunch from Chinatown and then stopped to grab some diapers and a change of clothes for mom and anything else you might need or have forgotten at the apartment.”

“That’s amazing, thank you.”  It didn’t look like Sean had any inventions with them, but they definitely thought about a lot on their way here. “Thank you. You guys really didn’t have to.” Megan shrugs. She opens a few more containers of takeout. The mouthwatering smell washes over me, reminding me that we hadn’t eaten for hours. I go over to Julie as Sean handles the baby and help her sit up.

As the food is passed out and nurses come in to check to start the checkout process, laughter fills the small bright room. My daughter passes through the hands of many, many loved ones. After today, no matter what comes next, I feel better now than I ever had before.

***

Julie:

Taxis rush by on the main road outside of the hospital and a large que of cars line up on the sidewalk. The world outside goes by as normal. The air is still chilly, snow piles along the street in heavy streaks of black slush, and the endless blare of car horns and the occasional shouts of pedestrians all continue on no matter how much my own life has changed. Everything is the same yet is completely different.

I am sitting in a hospital-provided wheelchair on the sidewalk as Ben, Noel, Megan, and Sean load up a taxi with my belongings. Freya is tucked away in a baby carrier that Sean and Megan had picked up from our apartment before their shopping spree and it now sits on my lap with my arms wrapped tightly around it.

The taxi’s door is slammed shut. I look up as Ben comes over to crouch down before me. His brown eyes look light despite the dim winter light outside and his brown hair is swept away from his forehead, exposing a red nose and cheeks to the cold. The love in his gaze fills me with warmth.

“Are you ready to go?” Ben asks. My heart flutters. Once I leave this hospital and go back to normal life, we will always be parents. It will all be on us to figure out what to do next.

“Julie? Do you need anything else? Do you have everything?” Noel asks from the road. He has his gloved hands cupped to his mouth as he yells. Both Sean and Megan, warm in a matching pair of leather jackets, look over, ready to help at a moment’s notice.

I smile. I twist my fingers together around the baby carrier and look down at little Freya Rose who is sound asleep. I lean down and kiss her warm little cheek.

“Yes, I’m ready to go home.”