Wordy Language
“Words, words, words,”—Prince Hamlet from “Hamlet” by William Shakespeare
This is my favorite topic. Imagine you are a student trying to write a 2,000-word essay on the topic of William Shakespeare for class. You’ve run out of things to say so you are determined to fill the word count as much as possible, as if that can replace the research you have not done.
Desperate Student Example:
The great William Shakespeare was an orator, poet, playwright, and actor during the 1600s in the capital city of London, England. He wrote many works that are hugely loved by all people and have been recreated again and again over the years. Works such as “Hamlet,” “Henry IV pt. 2,” “Macbeth,” “Romeo and Juliet” are some of the most well-known works he had ever expertly created and written.
When writing, it’s important to keep your language concise and clear. “Concise” means to write directly, without any unnecessary words. This desperate example is full of words and phrases we don’t need. What if you wrote it simply?
Concise Student Example:
William Shakespeare was a playwright in London, England during the 1600s. He is well known for his many works such as “Romeo and Juliet” that have been recreated over the years.
We get the same idea from that second one, correct? We don’t need all the frills, long-winded examples, and fluff words. Here is the same section with all the excess cut out to show you what was removed.
Desperate Student Example (Edited):
The great William Shakespeare was an orator, poet, playwright, and actor during the 1600s in the capital city of London, England during the 1600s. He is well known for his many works wrote many works that are hugely loved by all people and have been recreated again and again over the years. Works such as “Hamlet,” “Henry IV pt. 4,” “Macbeth,” “Romeo and Juliet” are some of the most well-known works he had ever expertly created and written. That have been recreated over the years.
Can you see how much information we didn’t need?
It is key to write with clear and concise language. I will share a few ways to do this.
Adjectives (pick one!)
Adjectives are words we use to explain a noun (person, place, or thing.) Adjectives can be derived from descriptions of sight, smell, taste, sound, feel, and more. Great writing gives us images we can picture in our heads. While adjectives are fun to use, be careful to not go overboard and write out entire lists of adjectives.
Adjectives and Repetition:
To be concise, you don’t want to use the same word over again. The more you repeat yourself, the less effective your writing is. Repeated words lose their power and stick out to the reader. Varying your word usage is a good way to break up repetition. There is always another word you can use instead of saying the same thing again.
As a common rule, I always try to pick only one adjective to describe something. One word can be powerful, two can be fine, three or more are too many. This will make you think about which word is more effective than the other. What word tells your reader the most about the noun you are describing?
We don’t need big, wordy, long, boring, heavy, detailed, and crazy descriptions. See what I did there? Too many descriptors. We don’t need wordy descriptions. Done. One descriptor.
As discussed in my “Writing Wednesday #6 Characters” (see link in description) we don’t need to know every single detail about a noun. Only tell us what is important to the story. Do we really need to know that your character’s pants are red with an artificial fringe and only one and a half pockets? No, we don’t. If they are red pants sewn by their grandmother and have been repatched over the years because the character never wants to stop wearing them and is on a journey to find the best thread to repair them. That is important and has reason to be told.
Adverbs
If you have worked with me in editing before, you will know that I have a vendetta against adverbs. (Apologies for any frustrations that causes!) Adverbs are just everywhere. It’s insane!
Adverbs are commonly (but not all) words that end in -ly. They are used to modify a verb, adjective, or another adverb. You can write that someone ran slowly, ran quickly, or ran crazily to explain the style in which something happens. These words help you describe things in your stories, but sometimes you miss the opportunity to use a better word. For example, you can say a character “quickly ran” but what if you say they “sprinted” instead?
Adverbs Example:
Suzie was the best student in school. She ran quickly, whispered quietly, sang loudly, laughed heartily, and happily completed her studies.
There is nothing inherently wrong with this sentence. The many adverbs slow it down, add to the word count, and sound repetitious. Try using other words to see how your sentence can sounds.
Less Adverbs Example:
Suzie was the best student in school. She sprinted, whispered, belted, guffawed, and happily studied.
While the word choice isn’t ideal here (unless you go to a school where guffawing is cool), you can see the sentence is slimmed down and easier to read.
Cons of Adverbs:
Because adverbs have a huge variety, they are nice to use. If you use too many, that -ly ending will start to stand out to your reader because of the repetition. Each time I use an adverb, I stop and ask myself if there is a better word. If not, I stick with the adverb.
Sometimes an adverb is too wordy because it is another word on top of the existing verb. Look at these examples of concise choices:
Ran quickly < sprint
Talk quickly < chatter
Say loudly < yell
Read quickly< skim
Sing loudly< belt
Sigh sleepily < yawn
Laugh loudly < guffaw
Laugh quietly < snicker
Sometimes an adverb creates an absurd statement. Like my example above, I used the phrase “whisper quietly.” “To whisper” is already a quiet action, so this is something you would never have to say or use. If you write that a character is whispering, your reader knows they are being quiet without you spelling it out for them.
The word “very” can be both an adverb and adjective. The same thought process about concise and clear writing applies to using the word “very” to heighten an expression. Try using one word to create a stronger meaning:
Very hungry < starving
Very tired < exhausted
Very happy < overjoyed
Very sad < upset, depressed
Very mad < angry
Very small < tiny
Very big < large, gigantic
Very good < great
Very bad < terrible
Very cold < freezing
(When using some of these words, try to avoid over exaggeration. You might not want to say your character is “starving” if they are not starving. “Very hungry” may be more appropriate.)
Pros of Adverbs:
In comparison to other options, adverbs may be the best choice! They help compound words such as these:
Sue was happy to help < Sue helped happily. (This wording is more concise and active!)
In the end, adverbs are OK to use. Always check yourself to see if there is a better alternative to it. If not, go ahead and use the adverb.
“Cool” Characters and Explosive Dialogue
I’ve seen draft pieces where the “cool” or “bad” character swears a lot. Every sentence is written with a swear word and they are often strung together in a long line of repetition. When this happens, it is overdone. The more a phrase is repeated, the weaker it becomes. If you say “d*mn” 15 times in one paragraph, it’s going to become just as boring as saying “wow” over and over.
Not only does this make your character’s dialogue boring and repetitive, but your reader will not think they are cool, rebellious, or bad. It will sound like one of those kids in elementary school who sat on the bus swearing at the driver because they thought they were a big deal. Not interesting.
In short? Too much repetition of any kind often hurts the point you are trying to strengthen.
Deleting Words
A professor once told me to write out a sentence then delete a word. If that word is removed and the meaning of the sentence remains unchanged, did we really need that word in the first place?
This is a great tip when you are not sure what words are considered “wordy” or unnecessary.
Pick words with impact and get rid of words you don’t need to create clear and concise sentences. Commonly overused words you can weed out are as follows:
That
Which
As
So
Like
Suddenly
Take a moment to search for these words in your own writing. (Use CTRL + F on PC in Word to search for specific words and phrases.)
Example of Wordy Phrases:
In this example, I will write a sentence first, then remove words we don’t need in the following lines:
John wore blue and white Velcro racer shoes that were really cool.
John wore blue and white Velcro racer shoes that were cool.
John wore cool blue-and-white Velcro racer shoes.
John wore cool Velcro racer shoes.
John wore cool racer shoes.
Grace, my sister who is very tall and has long blonde hair, likes to run in the woods that are dense and dark in the morning.
My sister Grace likes to run in the woods every morning.
(In this sentence, we don’t need the details on how dark the woods are or how tall Grace is. What matters is what action she is taking here.)
Overly Detailed Actions
In Terry Goodkind’s series, The Sword of Truth, (Mr. Goodkind, I love your work!) a reoccurring phrase was the overly drawn-out details of characters reaching or pointing at things. The main character, Kailyn, often lifted her arm, extended her wrist, and pointed a finger. While once or twice it drew attention to her elegance, it was more than we needed. Breaking down actions with many unnecessary steps is complicated and hard to read. Say Kailyn pointed or Kailyn lifted her arm and pointed to be concise.
Here is an example where a character is simply sitting at a table.
Wordy: Dylan rolls her shoulder and lifts her arm, her fingers flicking towards the tabletop, to reach and wrap around her drinking glass.
Concise: Dylan picked her glass up off the table.
If this is a totally normal scene where that glass is not more special than the cups in your own cupboard at home. There is no reason for the writer to zoom in to the action that close if there is nothing important about it.
On the flipside, this is a fantastic trick. If you have a tense situation and you are trying to build tension or the sense of concern in your reader, zooming in and drawing out an action is a great way to do so. When you have a suspenseful moment, draw it out—don’t rush! See an example here:
Dylan is pinned on the floor underneath her fallen file cabinet as the laboratory’s reactor melts down. She struggles to reach the shutdown button that will save them all. Can she reach it? She rolls her shoulder as the floor heaves. She lifts her arm, her fingers shaking as the button glows in her sight, a mere unreachable inches away.
… see? Drawing it out creates more suspense. 😊
Passive Voice and Active Voice
Every time I mention PASSIVE VOICE, I am going to say it AGGRESSIVELY.
We want action! Active voice!!
PASSIVE VOICE is a way of writing that overuses the “to be” verb instead of regular verbs by themselves that are conjugated to show an action. This can create an unnecessary and overly wordy sentence structure as well as a feeling of distance from the text.
PASSIVE VOICE can also sound awkward when it comes to tense if not used properly. I see PASSIVE VOICE most commonly in past tense because I think writers are trying to establish the tense, even though the past tense forms of their verbs are already doing the work for them. (That’s a topic for another day in terms of “had” establishing a time or instance before the current past your story is set in.)
Words such as “was” and “had” are common indicators of the PASSIVE VOICE usage.
Examples:
PASSIVE VOICE VS Active Voice
“The book was picked up by Amy.” VS “Amy picked up the book.”
“Michelle had run to the train station to look for Peter.” VS “Michelle ran to the train station to look for Peter.”
“Laci was kissed by Eloni.” VS “Eloni kissed Laci.”
“Lucy is writing the story.” VS" “Lucy writes the story.”
“The letter was written by Joe.” VS “Joe wrote the letter.”
“The kitchen had been cleaned by Eliza.” VS “Eliza cleaned the kitchen.”
Some of these samples can be used as is in the left. Everything is up to interpretation. Make sure you recognize your choices and actively ask yourself why you are writing something the way it is. For example, “Lucy is writing the story” is correct. I can see this in dialogue or as an answer to a question. If you want to use the phrase a different way to match your wording, use the right column. Whatever works the best for you.
Once again, using PASSIVE VOICE is beneficial in certain types of writing. It’s never wrong or incorrect to use but learning how to recognize it and turn it into active voice is a technique to make your writing engaging and active.
Unique Words
When you use a word that stands out… I only want to see it once in the entire book.
If someone says the crepuscular landscape in chapter one… I’m going to throw a fit is they say the crepuscular evening on page 82. Nothing bothers me more than this! I’m looking at you, Jane Austen, with the appearance of the word “monstrous” 11 times throughout the 560-some pages of Sense and Sensibility!
Conclusion
I get so worked up whenever I write these pieces; you can say it’s my passion. 😊
Anyways, all these notes are suggestions to help you take a closer look at trimming down your writing while polishing it up. None of these suggestions are hard rules that you have to follow at any point, they are here for your consideration and to become aware of. This is all food for thought, take from it what you will. These ideas are here for you to use and become a more deliberate writer.
Best,
Danni Lynn, Evangeline40003